The day I officially dreaded was here.
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Friday.
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The introduction to the weekend.
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The night everyone is out celebrating their freedom.
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I'm inside, hating every single one of those people.
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Can I pray on the downfall of people I don't even know?
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Im trying.
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The strongest thing in my hand tonight is a crisp McDonald's Sprite.
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It's watered down now, so never mind.
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I had made an executive decision to put my phone away and not look at any Instagram stories.
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I would bother Zion and Sid but it's date night for them.
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They tried to invite me, but even I know three is company.
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It's not even ten yet and I think I'm starting to lose my mind.
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Maybe I do have an issue.
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That's what I've been thinking about during this past hour when I contemplated risking everything and drinking tonight.
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I shouldn't.
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It's only two more days until she tests me on Monday.
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Tuesday will be an official week.
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Easy.
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Almost too easy really.
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I glanced at the door when I heard a few impatient knocks, causing me to pause the movie I was watching with furrowed brows.
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I stood from the couch, walking over toward the door.
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I didn't answer it immediately, first I looked through the peephole—And noticed Kai on the other side?
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She wore a short skirt with a graphic tee and a leather jacket that matched her boots.
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I pulled away from the peephole when she knocked a few more times, unlocking the door and opening it for her.
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"Finally," Kai smiled as we came face to face, throwing her arms around me for a hug.
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I furrowed my brows as I hugged her back, "I thought you were going out?" I asked her, entirely confused about why she was here.
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Maybe she wants to stay in with me?
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"I am," Kai said as we pulled back from the hug, walking past me into my apartment, "But first I have an idea."
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I raised a skeptical brow, "An idea?" I asked her, my eyes trailing her face.
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"Yes, so hear me out," Kai said, walking over to my bedroom, "You still go out, but you don't drink."
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I pursed my lips as I followed her, "I don't know, Kai," I said, knowing I should probably stay home.
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It sounds better.
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"Oh come on," Kai said, veering over to my closet and flicking the light on, "You can have fun sober. Doctor uptight will be fine," she added, looking through my dresses.
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Until I firmly halted her hand on one of the hangers, "First of all, don't call her that," I said, plucking her hand from the hanger, "And second of all, this is a terrible fucking idea."
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Kai rolled her eyes, "Whatever, I thought you didn't like her," she said in defense, tugging her hand out of mine, "And I thought you could hang without drinking. It's better than staying home and being bored out of your mind."
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I shrugged, "I'm doing fine," I said, even if it was a partial lie.
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Or a full lie.
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"But you could be doing better," Kai said with a raised brow, "Imagine us on the dance floor," she whispered, grabbing my hands and lifting our arms, "We can have fun and let loose, Rivvy."
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I shook my head as we lowered our arms, "I really shouldn't go out," I said, unsure how fun a club would be sober.
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"But do you want to?" Kai emphasized, a smile growing on her lips as she wrapped her arms around my waist.
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I sighed, "Of course I want to—"
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"So then do it. What happened to the Rivvy who does what she wants?" Kai asked me, her words challenging my ego.
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I knew not to fall for it.
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But a part of me wondered what the harm would be to go out and not drink.
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Kai's right, it's better than being at home going insane.
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I just won't drink.
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It might be weird, but I can still dance with Kai and enjoy my night.
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"Come onnn, no alcohol just fun," Kai said, dramatically dragging her words out.
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I remained silent for a moment, feeling so many thoughts running through my head.
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The majority of them screamed at me to say no.
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But it felt so hard with Kai giving me her puppy dog eyes.
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"Fine," I suddenly sighed, knowing it wasn't the worst idea.
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It'll also make my best friend happy.
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And I won't be bored at home, hiding from my phone.
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That's three wins.
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Kai's lips spread into a grin, "Yes—oh my god we're going to have so much fun," she said, pulling away from me and continuing to look through my closet,
"You go start on your hair and makeup, I'll handle your outfit."
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I nodded a few times, even if I felt knots tie in my stomach at this idea.
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Dr. Luccino flashed in my head.
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But I tried to shake it off since I already agreed to Kai's plans.
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I'm not even drinking so she won't know.
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I shook my head, grabbing my Dyson from the top drawer.
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It used to take me hours to blow out my hair, but now that I've done it thousands of times and have this hair tool, it takes me like thirty minutes.
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First, I took a quick shower, wetting my curls in preparation for my blowout.
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After I was out, I quickly dried off, applying my African shea butter and vanilla body oil before focusing on my hair.
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Kai waited patiently for thirty-seven minutes as I did my hair—although, it took her half that time to prepare me an outfit.
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I was quick with my makeup, only putting on some concealer, blush, highlighter, and gelling down my brows.
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Last was my lip combo, which I quickly applied before getting dressed in the red dress Kai picked out.
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It barely came down to my mid-thigh, the end of it ruffled with an arched slit that cut up my thigh.
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The middle of the dress was partially cut out, exposing my toned stomach and belly button piercing.
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The top part tied around my neck, the red string holding together the material covering my chest.
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The red looked perfect against my tanned skin, making my dark hair and eyes pop.
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I slid on gold heels and a tennis bracelet, spraying myself with perfume before we rushed out of my bedroom.
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Kai already had a Lyft waiting in front of my apartment, mapping us to the nearby club, Ivy.
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There was the usual line at the front of the club when we arrived, but it always went by fast, especially since Kai and I find people to talk to and meet.
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By the time we were inside, we had made over ten new friends whose names I didn't bother trying to remember.
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The music was as loud as I expected being sober.
Kai ordered two shots as soon as we entered the packed club, throwing the burning liquid back as I tried my best to have a good time.
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But I was right, this is weird sober.
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It's just hard when the music is bassing and no one has the decency not to invade your space.
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When I'm drunk I don't care, but right now it's irritating me.
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The only thing somewhat distracting me were the two other women Kai had subtly introduced us to.
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They were dressed more masculine, both of them blonde.
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Only one of them had their hair pulled back in a low bun while the other wore her long wavy hair down.
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They were both really attractive, which was clear by the women around us who eyed them.
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However, neither of them was fully my type.
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But I guess a distraction is a distraction.
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I danced with the blonde who had her hair down while Kai danced with the other.
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I didn't know their names and I didn't plan to know their names.
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I just focused on dancing, moving my hips against to the beat of the music.
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After a few songs, we all decided to get off the dance floor—or they did since they wanted shots.
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I just followed along since I'm here with Kai.
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"Oh I'm good," I called out over the music when one of them passed me a shot.
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"She's taking a break from alcohol!" Kai told them for me.
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The blonde woman I was dancing with playfully frowned, sliding her arm around my waist, "One shot with us?" she asked me over the music.
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"Her therapist won't approve!" My best friend added, making me roll my eyes.
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Especially when both of the women glanced back over to me.
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"It's not about her," I said, raising my voice over the music so they could hear me, "It's for myself."
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The blonde I danced with nodded, "Hey, I respect that," she said, motioning everyone to grab their shots, "I'll take yours for you."
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I nodded in response even if Kai frowned dramatically, "Come on Rivvy, one won't hurt," she said, trying to convince me even if we specifically agreed I wouldn't drink tonight.
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"It'll show up on the test," I pointed out blankly, my voice carrying over the music.
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"Just drink water!" Kai said, sliding the shot on the bar top closer to me.
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"If you drink over a gallon tomorrow you'll be good," the blonde wearing her hair tied back told me as if I fucking asked.
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Meanwhile, the one I danced with didn't say anything, which helped given the pressure on me.
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"Rivvy," Kai said in a whine, "Just one shot and we'll drink so much fucking water tomorrow. I swear."
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I shook my head, glancing between her and the two other women looking at me.
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They clearly wanted to take their shots-but didn't necessarily care if I took mine with them.
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I glanced down at the shot in front of me, my stomach twisting in knots as I internally contemplated it.
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"You'll be good if you do choose to drink," the blonde I had danced with assured me, clearly wanting me to decide.
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"Our friend does it all the time. I'm telling you, you'll be good," her friend added as Kai nodded, tapping the bar top impatiently.
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"Just tonight—tomorrow night we'll stay in!" Kai yelled over the music, "You're already out now, Rivvy."
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I shook my head, annoyed by the different voices convincing me that I unconsciously picked up the shot—wanting to shut them all up.
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"Ay! There's the party girl" Kai called out, picking up her shot to clink with ours.
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I drew a deep breath in, tapping the small glass against the bar top before throwing the burning liquid back.
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I'm sure if I drink a lot of water tomorrow then it'll be fine.
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I chose to focus on my less realistic thoughts and instead focused on just having a good time.
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At this point, the alcohol is already in my system so I might as well enjoy the effects of it.
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Which included dancing more with the random blonde woman I just met.
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We also ended up taking more shots.
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I've already broken my streak so I might as well have a few more shots while I'm at it.
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I just really need to cleanse tomorrow.
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"Girl she wants you bad," I leaned into Kai's ear to say.
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She giggled loosely in response, "I know—she already invited me back to her place," she told me, leaning deeper into me for stability which made us both stumble slightly.
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I felt a hand on my waist from behind, the random blonde woman steadying me.
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"You better go back to her place Kai!" I said loudly in her ear, earning more loose laughs from my best friend.
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"I don't want to leave you," Kai said, leaning her head on my shoulder.
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"You say this... every time," I laughed, my words slurred as I shook my heavy head, "And every time I tell you to go—so go!"
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Kai laughed again, her head heavy on my shoulder, "Fine, River," she said, leaning away from me, "Are you going home with her?" she asked, referring to the woman behind me.
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I shrugged, "Probably," I said, earning a smile from my best friend.
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"We gotta debrief in the... morning," she hiccuped, leaning over to grab the other blonde's hand and guide her away from the one behind me.
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I nodded a few times, blowing her an air kiss, "Text me when you make it safe!" I called over the music as they lazily waved to us, heading out of the club.
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That's when I focused on the woman in front of me, pulling her closer to continue dancing.
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The music was no longer too loud.
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No.
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It was perfect, especially as I followed the beat with my hips.
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She guided me to turn around, holding me closer by my waist as I fell into the music.
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A loose smile was prominent on my lips, tilting my head back with heavy eyes as I zoned deeper in on the pounding music.
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Everything feels so good.
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I feel so good.
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I hummed when I felt her lips graze mine, tilting my head back for her.
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She immediately closed the space between us at my open body language, kissing me deeply as I kissed her back.
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I felt breathless, pressed to her as we fell into a sloppy kiss.
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It made my head spin, my lips spreading into a lazy smile.
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Until she flashed in my head.
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My smile was gone, the pit in my stomach prominent again.
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What am I doing?
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Why am I doing this?
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Why am I drinking?
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I said I wouldn't drink.
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I thought I wouldn't drink...
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I told her I wouldn't and she believed in me.
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Zion and Sid believed in me.
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Now all I am is someone who makes broken promises.
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This is a huge step back.
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She's going to be so disappointed in me.
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What did I do? What did I do?
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I shouldn't have come out.
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Why did I come out?
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"I'm sorry was that too much?" I heard her voice over the music as she pulled back from me, probably noticing the look on my face.
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I can feel it.
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The tears brimming my eyes as my lips remained parted, desperately trying to inhale my lungs with air.
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I shook my head, "No," I said, the word weak and slurred, "I need to leave."
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Before she could answer, I walked past her, ignoring her confusion mixed with concern as I rushed through the crowd.
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My vision grew blurrier with tears, sobs burning my throat as I pushed through the crowd.
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Every unfamiliar face that I passed looked concerned, probably noticing the embarrassing fucking breakdown that I'm currently having.
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But I've never felt so low in my life.
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I really fucked up.
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I'm so mad at myself.
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Why did I do it?
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Why did I let Kai convince me to come out?
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I let her in my head and now I'm back at rock bottom.
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I sniffled, roughly wiping my tears away as I walked down the sidewalk lingering with different people.
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The cold air stung my bare skin and I didn't even know where I was walking.
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I just needed to get away.
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I can't be near that club.
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I can't believe I drank alcohol—I wasn't supposed to.
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She really believed I could do it, but I'm not strong.
I'm not anything.
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I drew in rapid breaths, letting them out as I reached for my purse.
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I knew it was wrong.
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The idea that popped into my head was probably worse than wrong actually.
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But I would rather rip this band-aid off now.
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God, I'm going to hate myself in the morning.
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I sniffled, my tears falling onto my phone as my shaky fingers tapped the screen.
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I hate myself now.
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I forced out a deep breath, halting my steps on the sidewalk as I pressed her contact.
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There was no excitement.
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Only dread burned around me as I pressed the call button.
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I don't know the exact time, but I knew it was late.
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The odds of her answering felt slim.
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I listened to the call ring once, contemplating leaving a voicemail.
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It rang twice.
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I can't leave a voicemail.
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It rang a third time.
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That would probably be worse.
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"River?"
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I sniffled a few times, immediately breaking down at the sound of her voice.
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I didn't expect her to answer.
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Now I really have to tell her.
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"What happened?" I heard her soft voice echo from the speaker against my ear, "Are you okay?"
I pressed my hand to my lips, desperately trying to stop crying.
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"I'm—" I forced out, the word shaky and weak, but I swear it's all I could get out.
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"I'm right here. Take your time" Dr. Luccino assured me, her calm voice contrasting my current state.
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I leaned back against the cold brick wall, my vision blurry and my body trembling from the cold.
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"Focus on my voice" I heard her speak again, earning silent nods from me as I sniffled again, "I'm right here with you, River."
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I cried harder at her comforting words, sucking in a series of deep breaths.
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I don't even deserve her as my therapist.
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"Squeeze your hand into a fist," she instructed, her voice echoing in my head as I quickly balled my hand up into a fist, "Squeeze as hard as you can."
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I tightened my fist even more, feeling my short nails dig into my skin.
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"Do you feel the tightness in your hand?" I heard her ask, causing me to nod rapidly even if she couldn't hear me, "Or your nails against your skin?" I let out a few deep breaths, focusing on digging my nails deeper into my skin.
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How tingly my hand now felt.
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It was like pins and needles.
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I sniffled softly, realizing I wasn't crying anymore.
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I also wasn't as out of breath.
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"I'm really sorry," I suddenly forced the three words out, my voice weak enough to sound unrecognizable.
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It took everything in me not to spiral again.
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I had to focus on breathing deeply, especially when more tears burned in my eyes.
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"It's okay. Whatever happened, it's okay, River." Dr. Luccino assured me, but I could only shake my head in disagreement.
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"It's not. None of this is okay. I-I knew I shouldn't have gone out. I... knew I would end up drinking and—I've messed everything up," I whispered the last part, tears stinging my eyes.
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"But you can fix it, River. You can always try again" I heard her say, her tone growing softer with me.
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I shivered from the wind that blew past me, "I messed everything up" I forced out, shaking my head even more to myself as I tried to stay calm.
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"You remember what I told you?" Dr. Luccino said, her voice keeping me somewhat grounded, "How I focus on problem-solving rather than the problem itself?"
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"Yeah" I whispered, my arm tight against my stomach as I shivered even more.
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The streets were fairly empty, anyone who walked by seemed to be heading home from the club I just ran over five blocks away from.
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"We'll solve this together, River. I assure you it's okay," Dr. Luccino said as more tears burned in my eyes.
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"I-I shouldn't have let her get in my head—I knew I wouldn't be able to go out and not drink," I whispered in disappointment, shivering even more.
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"Who's she, River?" I heard her ask me.
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"Kai—she came to my apartment and convinced me... to go out. I'm so stupid," I said, my words shaky and filled with my current self-hatred.
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"You're not stupid. You make mistakes" Dr. Luccino quickly countered my words, twisting them in a more positive manner, "It's okay to make mistakes, River."
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I quickly wiped my tears away, my teeth chattering together as I leaned more of my weight against the brick building.
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"Is Kai with you?" I suddenly heard her ask me.
I shook my head, "She left—I told her to leave and have... her hookup," I said, stumbling over my words as I shivered again.
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"Where are you?"
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I glanced around at the street dimly lit by the street lights, unsure exactly where I was at.
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All I see is a cafe named Indica in front of me, the brick building tall and looming over me like all of tonight's decisions.
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"River" Dr. Luccino spoke again, her voice firmer in my ear.
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"I'm... I left the club" I told her, glancing around so quickly that it made my already dizzy head spin more, "I'm outside," I said, letting out a deep breath that fogged the air.
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"Outside," I heard her repeat the word with emphasis, "It's barely twenty degrees."
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I shivered again, not realizing that's how cold it was tonight.
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"What are you wearing, River?" I heard her ask, hearing the seriousness her tone had taken.
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"A dress" I said, clenching my jaw to prevent my teeth from chattering.
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"My god," I heard Dr. Luccino sigh almost stressfully, suddenly hearing shuffling on her end.
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I shook my head, "I'm about to order a Lyft so I'll be—"
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"What's around you?" I heard her ask, making my brows furrow.
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"Uh... cafe named Indica," I said, my words slurred together as I glanced over to the restaurant on the street corner, "And a place named Kallie's," I added, wondering if she was about to order me a Lyft herself.
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I guess that works too.
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"You're not taking a Lyft alone at nearly three in the morning," Dr. Luccino said, leaving no room for disagreement, "I'm on the way. Just stay there."
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I felt something physically surge through my stomach at her words, processing what she said.
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She's coming to get me herself.
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"I'm four minutes away," she told me, probably mapping to one of the places I named.
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That's when I realized she must live downtown if she's that close.
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Probably in this neighborhood—I think I'm in Pioneer Square because it looks a little more historic.
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"We're staying on the phone until I'm there," Dr. Luccino said, once again leaving no room for disagreement, "Okay, River?" she asked when I remained silent yet again.
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"Okay," I said, my voice rough from how much I just cried.
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I could still feel the dampness under my eyes, just wanting this night to be over.
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I couldn't even be excited that Dr. Luccino was taking the time to pick me up.
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Not after what I did.
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I don't know if I can come back from this.
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