The coldness nipped at my exposed skin, the wind gust making it even more unbearable.
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I could still feel the lingering effects of alcohol.
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Like how dizzy my head felt, almost weighed down like bricks sinking in water.
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The cold air was bad, but I knew it would be worse if I was sober.
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I glanced over, noticing the car coming down the street.
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There hadn't been too many that passed, so I wasn't sure it was her.
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The call between us that suddenly ended proved that it was her.
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I leaned away from the brick wall, watching the sleek black Bentley come to a slow halt.
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The windows were so tinted that I couldn't begin to see inside.
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I took a few steps closer when the driver's door smoothly opened—Dr. Luccino sliding out of the car and standing to her tall height.
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She wore a long black coat and black silk pants spilling from underneath as if she had truly rushed out of her house.
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Her brown hair was down, her bangs framing her face.
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The only difference was her hair looked less put together for once, almost a subtle frizziness as if she had run her hands through it a few times.
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It wasn't even that obvious, but I preferred this laidback look over her polished one.
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I glanced down, noticing the furry grey throw blanket in her hand that she was currently unfolding as she approached me.
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"Here," was the first thing she said, lifting her arms to drape the blanket over my shoulders.
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I immediately grabbed the edges of the blanket, tugging it closer against my body as I shivered again.
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The blanket smelled sweet, freshly of detergent, and another floral smell I couldn't put my finger on.
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I almost wondered if her house smelled like this.
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"Thank you," I said as we walked over to the passenger side of her running car.
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Dr. Luccino nodded at my words, reaching for the door before I could expose my hands from under the blanket and open it myself.
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I slid down into the car—a soft heat enveloping me immediately.
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It made goosebumps prickle across my body, especially as I got comfortable in the heated seat.
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It seemed like she already prepared the car for me.
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Or maybe I was looking too deeply into it.
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Dr. Luccino gently closed my door once I was settled and buckled in, rounding the car as I inhaled the clean leather scent around me.
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Nothing was out of place—her car was almost concerningly clean.
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I glanced over when the driver's door opened, noticing Dr. Luccino sliding into the seat beside me.
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Tingles rushed through my body, suddenly processing this current moment.
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It feels like Im dreaming this.
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"How do you feel?" was the first thing she asked me, her brown eyes locked with mine.
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"Better," I admitted, suddenly remembering everything all over again, "I'm really sorry again," I whispered, trying to push the heavy feeling away.
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I didn't want to cry directly in front of her.
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My makeup was probably a mess from crying just a few minutes ago, so I feel like that's equivalent.
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"It's okay, River," she assured me, her stare not wavering from mine as the large touchscreen radio illuminated her face perfectly, "Progress isn't linear. We'll try again."
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I nodded, unable to string any words together as I let out a deep sigh to help steady myself.
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"Can you just be honest and say I disappointed you?" I asked her, my words stuck together as tears burned in my eyes.
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I couldn't help but glance away from her, unable to look her in the eye right now.
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I don't know why her approval suddenly matters to me.
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I probably would never admit it does if I was sober sitting in that office with her.
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But right now, sitting beside her in this car at almost three in the morning with alcohol buzzing through my system, and my guard at an all-time low, all I could say was that— I do care.
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I fucking care what she thinks of me.
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"I'm not disappointed in you, River" Dr. Luccino shut my previous words down, "I'm confident that you can do this, but realistically, it's going to have its challenges."
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I quickly wiped under my eyes before any tears could fall, staring forward at the empty road.
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"I just wish I would've tried harder," I admitted in a low whisper, realizing I could've fought more to say no.
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"Give yourself grace. The circumstances were different in the moment," she briefly explained, her voice soft between us, "Naturally, you think of other ways you could've handled it because you're not in that situation anymore. You've experienced it and had a moment to reflect."
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I remained silent, squeezing the blanket tighter to my body as more tears blurred my vision.
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"Your past self didn't have the luxuries you have now. Go easier on her," Dr. Luccino added when I remained silent beside her.
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That's when I felt her hand on my shoulder, her touch gentle but present.
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It made me let out a deep breath, relaxing under her touch as I leaned back against the soft leather seat.
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"We'll try again," she softly whispered to me, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze before pulling her hand away entirely.
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I let out another deep sigh, nodding a few times,
"Okay," I forced out, deciding to focus on trying again rather than how badly I fucked up.
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"You need to make peace with this in order to move forward," Dr. Luccino said, reaching for the gearshift that she firmly wrapped her hand around, shifting the car into drive, "Try to be comfortable with making mistakes here and there."
I forced a hum, "I just had higher hopes for myself," I admitted, my words broken and honest as she smoothly drove forward.
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I thought this was all about winning.
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That it was just a stupid game to me with a reward at the end.
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But it meant so much more.
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"You still did good, River" Dr. Luccino pointed out, her words filled with praise that it didn't feel like I deserved, "You didn't drink from Tuesday, up until this point. Even if it was a drink with dinner, you consciously said no and that's a big step."
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I nodded at her last words, finding comfort in the perspective she focused on.
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I guess lasting a few days is still good.
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"Small wins are big wins too," Dr. Luccino assured me, her stare focused on the road rather than me for once, "Now can you put your address in for me?"
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I nodded silently, reaching past the blanket wrapped around me to carefully type my address in on the large touchscreen.
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We were a little under fifteen minutes away, which I wasn't even close to unhappy about.
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I wanted the time with Dr. Luccino.
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Her presence feels so soothing right now.
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Even as we sit in a calm silence, her focusing on the road as I subtly snuck glances of her sharp side profile.
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Maybe I was just drunk but I genuinely couldn't stop looking at her.
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I tried my best not to make it obvious, but I'm sure she already picked up on me staring.
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She picks up on everything.
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Tonight, she probably chose not to say anything, letting me sit comfortably in silence as I relaxed in her passenger seat.
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The drive was smooth, almost lulling me to sleep when I briefly closed my eyes.
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I only allowed myself a few seconds to keep my eyes closed since I didn't want to fall asleep in her car.
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I physically had to blink faster, especially with how heavy my eyes suddenly felt.
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I was almost relieved when we made it past the gates of the familiar parking garage of my building, feeling beyond ready to hit the bed.
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"Are you okay to walk up on your own?" Dr. Luccino asked, watching as I carefully opened my door.
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I nodded as I slid out of the seat, "Yes," I murmured, not wanting to inconvenience her even more.
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I gripped the edges of the car door when I stumbled on my feet slightly, almost forgetting I was wearing heels.
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"No," I heard her say, turning the car off and opening her door, "I'm walking you."
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I gently closed the car door, "I'm good," I said, adjusting to my painful heels again, "You really don't have to," I told her, rubbing under my eyes before taking a few steps past the parked car.
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"Lead the way," was all she said, motioning her head forward as she stopped beside me.
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I pursed my lips, already feeling bad that she picked me up and now felt obligated to walk me upstairs.
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But I also knew better than to debate this with her right now, so I started walking toward the elevators as she calmly followed behind me.
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Dr. Luccino pressed the elevator button before I had a chance, causing one of them to instantly ding open.
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I stepped on first as she followed behind me, waiting for me to scan my key fob and click my floor.
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It was silent as the elevator rose to my floor, each level we passed beeping softly.
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Seconds later, the silver doors dinged open upon making it to my floor, causing me to lean away from the wall.
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I clutched the soft blanket tighter around me as I walked off first.
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Dr. Luccino followed behind me, keeping her hands in her pockets as we approached my door.
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I pressed the key fob against the door knob immediately, causing it to unlock with a soft click.
"See, all good," I said, twisting the black doorknob and pushing the door open.
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"Good," was all she said, her voice lowered as I walked inside.
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At least until I realized the blanket was still wrapped around me.
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I slid it off, realizing I should give it— "Keep it," Dr. Luccino said before I could hand the blanket back to her, backing away from my door, "And text me in the morning as a well-being check."
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I nodded almost slowly, trying not to take any of this personally.
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But a part of me was weirdly excited to keep this blanket.
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It smells really good.
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"Another thing, River" Dr. Luccino suddenly said before fully walking away from the open doorway, "I strongly suggest taking a step back from Kai."
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I furrowed my brows almost immediately, "Really?"
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I asked her, feeling my stomach twist at her words, "I don't think she meant to cause me any damage. She just wants me to have fun with her."
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Dr. Luccino hummed, "She didn't consider you or your wellbeing, River. Regardless of her intentions you still got hurt tonight," she calmly told me, her brown eyes holding mine.
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It was true.
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I hated that it was true.
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Even if Kai's intentions were good or bad, I still ended up getting burned.
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I pursed my lips together, "Yeah... okay," I whispered, unsure if I could truly take space away from Kai.
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She felt like my other half.
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She's also always there for me, and it feels like we both understand each other so deeply.
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"I'm not suggesting that it has to be permanent, but you're in a vulnerable state right now, especially with committing to different life changes," she explained, probably noticing how unsure I was about this, "You need people who keep you accountable."
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I nodded a few times, "I know-I know, it's just that Kai said she supports me." I tried to explain to her.
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"Her support wasn't shown tonight," Dr. Luccino said without hesitation, her stare precisely locked on me, "Distance creates boundaries. Kai will respect you more when she realizes she can lose you."
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I blinked a few times at her words, especially as I processed how much sense they made.
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I'm not sure if Kai does think she can lose me.
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I mean, I never planned to cut her off and maybe she knows that.
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I suddenly sighed, "You're right" I whispered, even if I knew taking space from Kai would be hard.
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But she completely disregarded my words tonight.
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I deserve better.
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"We'll touch base tomorrow," Dr. Luccino suddenly said, her eyes trailing my face, "Have a good night, River."
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"You too," I murmured, still engrossed in my thoughts involving Kai.
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Until I noticed Dr. Luccino pause, her brown eyes trailing my face.
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Her expression was unreadable, but she was obviously thinking about something.
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It made me wonder what else she had to say about Kai.
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I furrowed my brows when she looked away from me, glancing left and right.
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Almost as if she was making sure no one was around.
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I barely had time to process it before she took a step toward me.
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It made me hold my breath, processing the closed space between us as I anticipated her next actions.
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Dr. Luccino reached up first, wrapping her arms around my upper body.
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She didn't pull me in closer herself.
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Instead, she let me decide to lean in.
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She smelled sweet, just as I recalled, without her usual cologne that followed.
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Her body was warm against mine, leaning into her as I hesitantly rested my cheek against her shoulder.
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I didn't want to do too much and she pull away.
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Or decides never to hug me again.
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I'm not sure she would anyway—it seems like hugging is against her ethics.
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I let out a deep breath as her hands pressed against my upper back, maintaining a respectable hug with me.
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My arms remained under the blanket around me, unsure if I should lift them around her.
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I decided against it, not wanting her to reject my actions.
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I don't think my ego could handle that one tonight.
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I counted the seconds between us in my head, not wanting to pull away.
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Once we did, we would revert to the same old restrictive dynamic.
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Disappointment struck through me when Dr. Luccino slowly pulled away, lowering her hands from my body and taking a respectable step back.
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It all felt so clinical with her.
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It made me wonder how she is beyond her role as a therapist.
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Maybe with her friends or family.
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"Get some rest, River" was all she said, her brown eyes briefly holding mine before she glanced away, walking down the hallway toward the elevators.
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I stood there for a moment, door wide open, a heavy silence burning around me.
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I could still feel the warmth of her against me.
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Or maybe I'm just hallucinating it.
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I blinked a few times, snapping out of my thoughts as I gently closed the door.
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I walked over to my bedroom, carefully sliding the furry blanket off my shoulders to lay on my bed.
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Suddenly, I had the urge to brush my teeth and do my nightly skincare, feeling almost electrified with energy.
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I changed out of my dress after, pulling on an oversized t-shirt that fell to my knees with nothing underneath.
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My apartment was quiet as usual, leaving my thoughts focused on the hug we just shared as I approached my bed.
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I halted my steps, my eyes roaming the blanket for a moment.
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I ran my fingertips across the soft furry material, recalling every detail of tonight.
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Somehow, I felt oddly content with how it all went.
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At least after the drinking part.
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I reached over to my lamp—flicking it off before climbing under my thick covers.
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I unconsciously grabbed the furry blanket and pulled it over my shoulders, nestling my face in it as I inhaled the familiar detergent and floral scent.
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It's all I focused on as I drifted to sleep, my thoughts centered around everything that happened tonight.
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I need to cut Kai off—it was a thought that made me anxious, but I knew Dr. Luccino was right.
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I should probably tell Zion and Sid what happened.
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I think being around them right now would be good for me.
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