穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ctSlDId1C
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcZoBq7XFK
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZTnF1gXNt
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkfWEsF8yn
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3CjJwTXbR
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghhKla1E5J
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZoUKFifTU
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnrq9B9P2x
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEKRR2SAQT
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLPBycXVUO
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cSGkZmgI0
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVYkQCjDRF
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgACdcDK1Z
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65EC4uwmgI
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQj15coNFIU
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLfW4d61Hs
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzHwpmD0yT
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bwrHEdqQs
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKjIkYWrRP
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynvwe4B949
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFqrJjUGbB
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JPy99AMBh
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0S0iDvKAt
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJ57Bbd4fV
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaji0hM8Drn
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXnhE81mAX
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5GImjAYpi
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdrCWhb6Vr
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp69ck4acUd
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaXIW8aTLD
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5vVUfbxDp
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKzCErLJ5L
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dyL7KM0KA
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCRDZVmFjq
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1U8EdVPxB
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAdlvfRSgn
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztVlQhrbaY
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfu3VByt5dx
「鍾意你。」他說。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡretq85C1vz
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLl9e5HPTN
「我都係。」她應。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrk1WtnAiMi
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvcQCJpzRM
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODOdDHhWFP
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIaAnPCVUnM
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGM00djRnS
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eknRfkodk
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAbvTWcyXr
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgngBBqITxj
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMVvFnHX9C
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDJBcajtc9
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ662g5GWww5
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6rt7Cdhcu
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJA8gs31ogA
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWBp6BCiT8
二人過後做愛、入睡。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMnWV17Pjs
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvXnNinSdI
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtRnbIf2y5
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3qHXeVe2s
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeQh6ZQFAL
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3WxpKsRrk
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡns8veAJ3l3
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwOlNJRA3s
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIO4No80sLC
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBqrqvRqAO
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXXx1Yba4Z
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcZCsuXYf9
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡimXm7JIcBX
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwjrFPT1tW
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38Y7vkbPmd
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmkLf7P9sm
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMBHgilX3D
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTrQCxywig
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx6t8jQaJR
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrRasdwE4e
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL8CDvlXYM
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjc5fpilsWZ
她糊糊塗塗。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvkeHrmGvT
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡga144fd30K
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDP3fNrCecb
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaiQuMZ714
最怕空虛。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6FEIhnDGv
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtuFec64h3
/460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFYKXfacQd
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv90TVCNEJ
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2LpSdvNx8
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrVOq4oIhA
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezI1s1QIIQ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlN5FW1iSqa
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVWDkOvHRL
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDndD6TAdjE
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeSCySJELK
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSX5og5onr8
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MMrkVj5Yz
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOil1b5UKJB
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZJqd5iCRu
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5V1Z5MehTb
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVnTLuRB8g
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJAtyMtuHl
她不過在日常之中夢遊。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoziNRd7cHt
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhZdo0FsLK
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldXFJA6OMB
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr3IfgU8Xe
「上年12月開始。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2rXQxBy2Me
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVGAdggeqr
「頻率係？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTWHDD7fpr
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfusXMRJHb
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFejOgemE1i
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSBpGs2nea
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0Y8SlLKCJ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WjeQuSmOG
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1lnXsV00I
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kdx3NU5Qs
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYJ34Iqq8m
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiN3pAyxZT
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqinVTtY8QZ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEu6hDVVxcP
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xtfP8snJc
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNe9SwNPUuK
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTdGAjC7ls
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKSO5LiaKc
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBTE5vO9Uv
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcl6ylbjOfv
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2j3Vanfih
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpt4RjiYf2n
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7M3LcAGvE
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vrqmY49RM
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfDUaM7B1i
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdKvnaAkQF
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfkUAiFztJ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl90YIGAjnP
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQv5ibwrni
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMHqyVYtdx
連傾訴都不真誠。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBmoPwpiyp
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCprf66KzJ
不開心又不去死。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE22uVNVoAD
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BtYwtUIR3
不去死又不改變。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYSUGDNodG
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgXh1WCaux
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPkd0WOKea
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUM2tLnVG0
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNbtWWM86B
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXdRb1aCQZ
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7jgEW5xkr
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhM6IppZh3P
