Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvn7WmtEwK
I, regrettably, did not.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaHCqYqNFI
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6MPdbXlDp
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIivteYQI0
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69V6AX1pgz
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU0Ia6JRTw
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DcWPrx12V
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjmQXJoN1J
"Bathed," I growled.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijWYYQj10G
"With what?"54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwtTCFvdx4
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PVCZSrSIc
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW7esoSb8n
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUI6KEzDZyH
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXibLBdERN4
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMINQHmNmX5
And bowed... inwardly.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLVEuTEE5j
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyatuGl6gl
54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NsKCgJLSk
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjWJZlfpKx
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ItikaSxQR
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcrQRSMKeg
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAmJPXwtwh
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIgOGV0udY
No fear. No confusion.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HmwKSigZp
It was pure recognition.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtSQH8wVYp
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVM4gMHKUH
But... babies?54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtVIKgxxHq
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJjnMKn7kq
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz11bWHEqjE
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjScLJhVxRV
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01yrC7MTal
Screaming intensifies.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7GYJZGXS7
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebicVxTHwG
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZ3IHPtINs
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAoBNrwiaR
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR84dkxEWwb
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlRlxYJyIr
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxisPgfdP3t
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zr5moHFb4
Your rhythm became mine.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEfxkxai4y
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsK9qzIyh7O
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjqSdvNh9g
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlA4oCNARd
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGikAmkgRBx
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQInL6UFTw
No. Babies demand engagement.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IO5M1l8Kl
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUTryQJQdC
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFz55UbOnC
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpUjvI25VU
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjbi8SaFZ4
And perhaps I had.
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