Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqUf1TMff1
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSaYgdQBvH
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Xim2pyAFk
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjGJyXK0Xm
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeafNLdUzXb
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjgJFNGRBK
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmBnkapZja
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KOGM2JqCJ
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtfZdxRAOl
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVchWHU1GTf
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcjdNearup
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJiwPLF3zC
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSaRvs92HK
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvDLTq1XJc
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjrDf8fAqx
124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8EQLY9WIj
"Everything is growth"124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TnQmWMxAD
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAKInUCmoJ
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5JIadLIfD
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMixSPsN1q6
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsoROK5j6l
I wonder what part of that is alive.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKn4KXQmNC
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcNYYaWvEe
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrcI1vgimE
There is no other point in this community.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE33VGh1bQ7
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJI5pZaMgH
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6zeE4P32Y
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4gXzd3HNX
Whatever that's supposed to mean.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GyioCq03Q
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuLjggulaE
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcpNSTi3Jy
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPS0qtb2c4
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xNjY94QHu
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOr9quADRzN
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAHPQRM0Cp
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpulYlr7SXQ
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNP9B9Mbytp
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofjETK3Taq
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffAWcI9vAI
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJorSFfHS7
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM0B0TSO3h
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrAaEKuQq5
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtptmQe6G68
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKuOPOpYvb
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqOjpRI38Q
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSQjsrLYYe
