T.W: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide.
3 MONTHS AGO, DAYS AFTER GROUND 0
DAY 1
I didn't want to write in this notebook. However, this is the last thing Zeph gave me before locking himself in his room. I left it on the desk because I thought I wouldn't write inside it. However, I have nothing else to do, so I'll give it a chance.
I set ground rules with myself. One, I will make an effort to write in this book every day. Two, I will keep the grammar to a high regard. Three, I will read out what I've written to make sure it all makes sense. Lastly, actually, try.
With those ground rules in set, I wrote my name and looked at the first page... I can't believe I'm doing this. I saw my name in all red.
"Apollo." I don't know why I said my name. I think it was to boost my confidence but I don't know. I don't know much nowadays.
"Do it! You can do this!" Took a deep breath and started to write.
"I'm a little messed up right now. Frankly, I can't stop crying sometimes, but I'm doing pretty well.
I just heard the news, and Alfred and Z are not taking it so well. I guess that's why they were not telling me for that while but I knew something was wrong. I was going to ask about the two anyways so keeping it secret didn't do much."
Breathe.
"However, to say it doesn't hurt would be an understatement. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm sleeping in Alfred's room instead of my own I would have torn everything apart.
It sucks, I hate being in this situation. I miss Dion. I try not to think of it but, every day. Everyday. I can't. Every time I close my eyes I can see myself there... Holding his dead corpse.
Sometimes I'll look at my hand and see the blood there. Other times I can feel the heat and it gets hard to breathe."
Writing this feels like hell.
"Yet, here I am, still sane. I think."
DAY 10
"It's funny. I feel so lonely it's honestly funny. I'm only missing three people in my life yet, it feels like I'm waking up with everyone around me dead."
Tears started, but I sucked them up.
"I want to spend more time with the ones around me. They're all hurt just like me. But what can I do to help them if I can't even help myself?"
DAY 50
"Every day feels the same. Wake up, lay down, bar, go to sleep, repeat. I don't think it's bad, I know it's not great, however. I tried to eat steak and I just couldn't. Is there something wrong?
DAY 75
"Another cigarette. I know Dion is yelling at me but I need this. I need something. Something! Everything feels the same! People I care for are either dead, locked in their rooms, sad like me, or bedridden and not waking up!"
"I just can't anymore! I can't. I can't! I should have been the one who died, shouldn't I!? I should have been the one bedridden, right!? Right!?"
"I should be dead. That's right. I should be dead."
DAY 85
It's raining. I can hear every drop hit the pane. For once today I didn't smoke, I didn't cry, I didn't eat, nothing. I've done nothing but stay in bed today. Enjoying myself for this will be my last. I've got everything ready. I should be the one who died. I know that now."
I slammed my fist down. I don't even know why. This is what I wanted.
"If you're reading this I'm already dead. I'm sorry... I just couldn't. I can't. Don't blame anyone but me, don't get sadder over me either. Please don't, I want all this suffering we've all been through to the end. I want to end it, for my own sake."
Keep writing. Keep going.
"So please, don't blame anyone but me. I love you all but it's my time. Love, Apollo."
With that, I started the process. Tied the rope to fit around my neck. The way Alfred's room is designed it has a spot in the room where the roof is elevated in. That's where I'll do it.
I started to fly up there with Zoe and secured the rope at the very top of the roof and from there I started to put the rope around my neck.
"Sorry, Everyone."
I felt the rope starting to go down my head. Then snap.
"Am I alive?"
I don't know how. I don't know why but I was put into my bed. I had tea on my side and a book cut down the middle perfectly spelling out who sees all. Why can't I remember anything?
I then saw the rope on the floor on fire. Then it finally dawned on me. I was going to kill myself. I was going to really kill myself. Alfred is going to be mad when he hears this one.
That's right. Everyone wouldn't want me gone. I would only leave them sad. I would only leave them angry with themselves. How would Z and Alfred feel for not being there for me and waking up to here I committed suicide?
"Death doesn't concern me anymore, it's the fact of when I die you guys won't be safe."
That's right. Dion would kill me again if I ever killed myself. Not only him, D1 as well... To think I was going to actually do it.
"I can't say things are going to get better, I know damn well It's going to get worse however, I swear on my life. I will never try to kill myself!"
That felt good. All my issues aren't going to fix themselves and they sure aren't about to go away but, I think I'll be fine.
...
"Holy- Holy shit!"
"Dion, he's hurting so bad! I wish we could be there for him. I'd be the same if I lost you two."
"It's sad isn't it?"
"Huh? Dion?"
"It's sad watching over people you want to help but you know you can't. It's sad, isn't it?"
"It is. Watching you both struggle through pain and emotions makes me scared to the point of biting my fingernails!"
"Then how did you get over it?"
"Well, you didn't bite them. You were scared but managed to stay calm. How do you do it, D1?"
"Well, I trust that no matter what, Apollo will do the right things or make great decisions for those around him. Killing himself would hurt those around him."
"What about when I was a wreck, D1?"
"Same thing. I know you'll do everything you can to protect those around you, just like Apollo chose right now."
"Is that so?"
"It is. We grew up loving our family. So it only makes sense we keep spreading that love for our little family of three. To a big family of nine."
"You're right. Sorry for asking stupid things."
"It's not. I used to think the same thing when I was watching you. The difference is I had more time to think about it than you do."
"I see. I think I'm ready to go then."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, he'll be alright."
"I think the same thing, Dion. However, I want to hug him goodbye."
"I do too."
...
I almost killed myself. It feels sort of unrealistic but it definitely happened. It feels like a dream I was caught in for years and now I finally woke up. I feel better. At least not to the level of killing myself.
I- What's this warm feeling? It feels so familiar. It feels like...
That's when Apollo started to cry as he could feel the warmth of something that isn't there. However, it felt like it was hugging him. He could only think of two people who would be hugging him but he couldn't see them.
"D1. Dion. I'm sorry I let you both die!"
"Don't be, Brother." They know he couldn't hear them but they know he got the message.
"I'll miss you guys. However, don't spend your time with me, have fun. You two deserve it. When I get up there, let's have fun again."
"Yeah, fun again," D1 said, wiping his eyes off a tear.
"Like childhood fun."
"Yeah. For sure." Dion said
"I miss you guys."
"Don't worry, you'll be fine, don't forget the family you have right now."
"You can rest now. I won't do any more crazy stunts, I promise."
"That's good to hear. We can leave now, D1."
"Wait, he's falling asleep. Let's leave him with peace."
"Okay." With that Apollo started to close his eyes and finally get a good night's rest. This time with a tear in his eye, but a smile on his face.
"Now we can leave," D1 said smiling as they started their walk.
"We can keep watching him, right?"
"Yup! We just won't be watching him every single second of his life and since we can't move anything or guide him towards anything anymore we're practically ghosts for real this time."
"I see."
"It's for the better. He's not a ladyman so it's embarrassing to see him try and score a lady. He's also a secretive man, but a chatterbox at the same time."
"It's crazy how he works huh!?"
"Yup...Well actually, Dion!"
"Yes?"
"Speaking of secretiveness, what was that conversation you and Apollo had on the roof of Ground 0."
"On the roof?"
"When that Z kid was digging that hole. I was invested in the whole digging and when I saw you guys again Apollo had a tear go down his eye."
"Oh, that?"
"Yes! Oh, that!"
"It's almost comical you ask that after saying your previous message."
"What?"
"Well... You'll see."
"Dion! Stop doing this to me!"
"HAHA! No way! I'm stuck with you forever! You're forced into my little torture ideas!"
"Can you give me a hint then!"
"Mmm. Alright, fine."
"Really!?"
"Yeah, actually."
"Alright, what's my hint!?"
"You weren't wrong. Your timing was just off."
"What."
"If you know, you know."
"Dion!!!"
"Ha!"
"I hate you sometimes."
"We wouldn't be brothers if you didn't"
"Fair, fair. Alright, to leave Apollo to start his new chapter?"
"To leave Apollo to start his new chapter."
50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDjehdlFiW
CHAPTER 46: Death doesn't concern me anymore, it's the fact of when I die you guys won't be safe."
50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SvxcN54VD
