I looked at the letter in my hand while Grellborn was still standing there, wet, dripping, reeking as always, but quieter than usual. He didn't wipe his brow. Didn't act like he needed to sit. He would never ask, the old Methuselah.
Neither would I.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWK0xLYZ10
The rain outside hadn't let up. On the contrary. It now sounded as if some arbitrary god of some arbitrary pantheon had decided to redistribute the mud.
I glanced at the window, its panes so smeared with rain that even the night behind it looked blurred. Then a look toward Grellborn.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenpZigu7ux
"If you die today because a roof tile hits you, I won't bring you back. Your blood is rancid. You know that, don't you?"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrYz4ZN908
Grellborn replied almost cheerfully, "Godbless, what a way to go."
I turned around slowly, walked to the hearth. Threw in a few dry logs, out of habit, and lit them.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljOjdXHfdJ
Without turning around, I said, "There's a cloak hanging in the guest room. Poorly made. But dry."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hhCwvHF1q
I heard the old man clear his throat.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yIZbDxT6I
"Hm. Pure information, yes? Not an offer?"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdEZPu9KVZ
"Naturally." He understood. A moment of silence. Then his footsteps shuffling through the hallway. As if he had accidentally decided to stay after all. I said nothing. Neither did he.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDdIxk7Mro
He needed no further invitation.
The letter remained in sight on the table by the fire. Heavy like guilt. Or trivial like comfort.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkV8bFsXqph
I wasn't sure yet.
I stared at it as if it contained poison in every line. No word was spoken. Just the ticking of water dripping from Grell's wet cloak on the coat rack.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEiv2kbiFI
For his sake I lit a few candelabras in the room, his eyesight had faded over the years.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSVf3dErRH
The years had taken it, like so much else from him. Except his stubbornness.
Grellborn groaned as he sat on the edge of a finely upholstered seat, pulling the new, dry cloak tighter around himself.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4eMrwgj8XH
"She always wrote when she couldn't speak anymore," he murmured. "Did it with me too. Back then, when she stayed with me." His expression turned pensive.
"How long ago was that?" I asked more sharply than necessary. Not to get an answer, but to pull him from those sentimental depths I knew too well. I didn't really remember.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEJibmCvVR
"Oh. I still had my mentor." His face lit up. "We lived in a remote valley, closer to nature, far from the city to be nearer to the nature gods..."
A cold shiver crawled down my spine.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaU7BI8ImW
Ah, Grell. He wears the decades like his mephitic cloak: heavy, but with dignity.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzhNYdUwux
I was reminded once again how fragile human life truly is.
There were sometimes years I didn't see Grellborn at all. And yet every time we met again, he seemed slightly changed. The crow's feet forming around his eyes, the once fiery red hair bringing forth a new grey strand each time.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMzfkE5WkG
Time does what it does, quietly but steadily.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGOY54qnfc
Then I thought briefly of you. How you sleep upstairs in your little bed, still completely unaware of the concept of time and mortality.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviM4eFOEZ8
For Grell, it's nearing the end. And for you, it's only just beginning. 22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRKO8b1OgI
A cycle I was denied.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fv8odC2zn
Before my thoughts could drift further, he continued:
"...a creature snuck around our hut one night. I saw her through the window, she seemed to limp. Eventually I realized it was a woman. Barefoot, bloodied, half bent in rags. I thought she was some kind of demon or spirit. Godbless"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSNgaDM1QV
He slowly and deliberately packed his beloved herbal pipe, crumbling in dried leaves I didn't even recognize by scent or name.
"But then I saw her eyes. So empty. And yet alert. I called Oswald, my mentor, and we ran outside. She didn't speak. As if she'd lost all her words somewhere in the forest. Not while we cleaned her wounds, not while mixing the herbal paste. Just... that silence. As if she had given up on words entirely. To us, she was a woman in need. We druids do not distinguish between good and evil. We see only the pain. That was my most important lesson that night."
His voice had become strangely calm. Not soft. Just... more honest than I was used to. I stayed silent. A moment too long to pass as indifference.
Then, "Really? Your most important lesson? Not which mushrooms let you see the Almighty?"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MC344DYMS
I exhaled through my nose with disdain. A little too loud.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYde8mllMmq
Grellborn said nothing. Of course not. He puffed his pipe with composed calm, as if my provocation were just another weather pattern. He was truly never to be rattled. I suppose it's the herbs he smokes.
I lowered my gaze. To the letter. To the seal, still unbroken, like a bone I dared not touch.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCLU9BlFjD
"You should've given it to me sooner," I said finally, dryly. Not quite an accusation. A little, perhaps. But mostly just a statement.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8N8OePBgZs
"But you've always been forgetful," I said with a touch of skepticism and scorn, staring at him directly. "What have you kept from me all these years, Grellborn?"
He drew slowly on his pipe. The smoke curled above his head like a fleeting thought before he spoke.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfC2YM91Ul
"What I kept from you?" He took his time. As if feeling each word before choosing it.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPFEqJ7xfc
"I wasn't... the right one to tell you. Not then. Not when she left. At least that's what I thought. She was... quiet. But clear. Came in the middle of the night, wrote until her fingers bled by the light of a single candle, then handed me the letter, and said: 'He should read it when he's ready. And if not... then never.'"22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYL3NWkmZDI
He lowered his gaze. "She didn't say where she was going. Only that she was leaving."
Pause. Only the crackling of the fire.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmYmPigYuT
"And I... thought you'd tear it up. Or me. So... I delayed. Once. Twice. Decades later it was still with me. In the drawer with the herbs I rarely use. And at some point... it was too late for the truth. And I was too much of a coward."
As he spoke, my eyes stayed fixed on him like a spider silently watching.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2SXmbX4Cu
Then I got up and went to the kitchen without a word. I returned with two wine glasses and a bottle of red.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uyYH0prUe
"We're going to need this," I sighed, and Grell gave me a sly look. "Speak for yourself, Szandor. But I'll gladly drink a glass with you, Godbless."
Then, with an elegant motion, I picked up the letter. It felt so heavy, though it was only a piece of parchment.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sTxVuKc1g
I broke the seal in one swift motion. And what struck me was not the words she had written, but her handwriting. Even, unadorned. But with a quiet aesthetic. Like her:
Szandor
As you know, talking was never easy between us. Sometimes I want to say so much, but the words get stuck in my throat. It's just hard for me. As you know, I wasn't allowed to speak for decades, not in the way it is healthy for reasoning beings like us.
After our last argument, you noticed how I withdrew. I didn't do it to hurt you, but to protect myself from further pinpricks. They're wounds you're not aware of, but even your mere presence pains me. And if one isn't careful, one falls in love with one's own pain.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Bbbg7AsAx
It gave me the excuse to do nothing for years.
I know by now that beings like us rarely find true happiness together.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6ZYMtFEKi
We carry too much within us, enough to bury whatever good or innocent might have been left under the weight of eternity. Eternity is the worst possible foundation for closeness or tenderness. It breeds mistrust. Power games. Old wounds that never truly heal. We've simply seen too much.
With you, for the first time after decades of torment and cruelty, I felt something like hope.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUWfoD42Gx
I thought, maybe with you I could finally begin to heal. Maybe together, we could shine in the darkness of the curse placed upon us. But when both lack light, we're just hollow ruins, propping each other up. Poorly, at best. But in the end both collapse.
I know I was hard to love. Not because I wanted to keep you at a distance. I simply never learned how to stay without constantly fleeing inside. I divided the world into good and evil, black and white, long before I ever suspected that both could be true at once.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ezufN4Esc
And that we ourselves live somewhere in between. It was necessary for survival. But it made it hard for me to truly live. At my core, I remained eternally mistrustful. And whenever I felt a flicker of closeness from you, the fear of losing it came instantly. Over and over I lost it with you.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EuoBYb843
It slipped through my fingers like sand.
You never pushed me away violently. But you never truly let me in either.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSOYN8tXbq
I stood so often on the threshold of you, not outside, not inside. Just close enough to see you, but never enough to feel seen. You were there. But not reachable. You were present, but never tangible. It was like a cold flame; you touched me without warmth.
And I, with all my longing for connection and healing in the chaos inside me, tried to interpret the silence between us. But it was only silence; yours, with no deeper meaning.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCk8w1QVbyy
I stayed silent to protect myself. And I withdrew to avoid being hurt again.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yYgRENAcJ
That's how you live when you're unsure what this world truly wants from you.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡea1nq8YKNo
You go quiet. You observe. You defend yourself with distance and simultaneously hope that with enough love and closeness, maybe one day you'll finally be whole.
But you denied me all of that. 22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueWf7JThcV
You often asked why I wouldn't finally forget. Why I still talked about it. Why I lived in those old nights, even though I was supposedly free.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcq6yQm8Gyw
You couldn't grasp my pain. Not because you lack compassion, but because you were never allowed to be weak yourself.
The worst part is: I understand you far too well. But you never tried to understand me. For you, it was over because I survived. For me, the surviving only began once it was over.
I killed my creator. And still, he lives on in my reactions. In the way I flinch when a door slams too loud. When you stay silent too long and I begin to justify my own existence, silently, in my head. Or when your voice takes on a tone you don't even hear.
I never wanted to blame you. I just wanted you to understand that I can no longer bear anyone who looks at me and wonders why I still tremble.
I loved you, Szandor. In my own way. Maybe in a way you never understood. At least in the way it's possible for beings like us. I believe you felt the tenderness. The small gestures. At least sometimes. I felt them. Rarely, but they were there. And that made them all the more precious to me.
Grellborn offered me nothing but bitter tea and silence. But he saw me. Not as a broken woman, but as someone who had slain a demon and still breathed. You only saw what remained. But not what it had cost me to survive.
No matter. I can't stay.
I will travel the land. Perhaps I'll find other vampires. As far as I know, we're scattered across the world. Not that I expect support, but perhaps I'll meet one who isn't quite as broken as we are.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUNHWG2w8l
Maybe I'll even find the answer to the why that has tormented us for eternity.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxH2rT78HQY
Or at least a reason to keep going.
We live too long, Szandor.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf4G7dqFP0
And with time, even the best in us begins to rot.
Isadora
22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmIATsiWyWe
Oh, Dora. 22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwJCPsCBHT
"Of course she said goodbye. In writing. How polite," I said dryly.
I stared at the last sentence, as if I could undo it by looking at it long enough. Folded the letter. Not neatly. Not the way I was used to. One crease was crooked. I left it.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQL67lV1eBe
I heard myself say, "I should have held on to her."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtertzftwLy
I wanted to take the words back. But they were out. Too late. Grell had heard them.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZrI4vJ45z
Without knowing the contents of the letter, he nodded solemnly. "You couldn't."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelS8aEKMsS
The words hung in the room as if spoken by someone else.
"She was never mine," I said more quietly, "but I lost her as if she should have been."22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGj1pyxdGAa
I leaned back. The fire crackled. With long strides I walked to the hearth and burned the letter.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi23gNvDIg
The paper didn't even curl. It was that dry after all these years.
And suddenly, so disgustingly suddenly,22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSs4dq5QLpH
I missed her.
22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpg67UiPgqK
