Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmjLyN5Jiq
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIA1dkeY2J
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7xs2I6nY0
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYzVUb467q
But I digress.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDghtkjzcCd
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcG2cx8e5YF
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo8OaVWj9M
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQu45AzVOMm
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSOWsyHEOE
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixCFQEPM8K
You stood still. Briefly.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9b46RY5Vt
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTixgfy3zCt
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqHAfFCJQ0
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOt2amO7P0
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAMm2dvBsf
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLz6ltIEFy
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5qhqmte3d
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDNzOFwpON
I let him. Why not?16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaf2c5vToW
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5nTLuWsT7
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUlcADwJWM
Only your personal god of mischief knew.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3kqVCqTps
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTLxQxkB5j
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEBxDiCw48
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydYg1wIR2O
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVnaZS2bjV
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgJwtKTBuK
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgfUfmB0l6
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisbf3N2Fr5
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVA68DoNAT
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOaHp3Kven
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWRJ9I4Gnm
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqisb997v4
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75veh1Gub2
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEA2f7hvtYA
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6yCIqsxUc
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUbIYVnYKJ
"What that?" you asked.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tPZcEnwg5
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8ESAzINzF
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmBogCuGe5
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeRd0NwOCe
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7r6M08MNPh
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iptIUCrId
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvY8oLqdzz
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CTRRapUdx
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeTPDXomQJ
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dNZNYY3tA
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQIJe4FlHU
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDeMWBUV2m
"No" became your favorite word.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUDCZCqLWi
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cXUKwjdii
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUdMpuvCvS
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqY7Ei07kwr
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GFIy3EcUl
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3RXgFFSEX
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWofJ9xsEM3
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYG8LL3IILA
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00Xvk4OAR6
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8RzOyFecg
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hubOzywd4
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghLyfzzxPJ
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP0wTNdJmd
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mXhPZIuup
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wg7yDaHPk
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3EyiMAYFl
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQQbt3q9eN
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnpTE7OgCE
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSy7uXxbv7
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxVM22mTlV
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcOBMhMgub
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzejjn4OpeO
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwm696yh7B
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliF1r7UXUe
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1pe52Y4IP
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgpD5CW0sI
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZ9ByxyvC6
Not like someone who warms.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6AHf7saDt
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRr1HKlEOd
