Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYUxMFtJUw
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zv5h8PyD4
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAhoa7Twqj
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAn58WgjDqt
But I digress.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOPyg8A0Qz
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28DNd1Ss7J
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeVX6SuLGG
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwA4Fkc0J8
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9a15zmjXiU
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzc7sq8UTCQ
You stood still. Briefly.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT11VyIT8bz
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bNJHGGCwN
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvu0xBetHhj
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqP1haYnGul
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0dU0VuB8Q
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6t18wXExE6
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPHDQzbFKY
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTxTdIyiHe
I let him. Why not?51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPtZJNE76F
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnax2swAHz3
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHJisnDLNu
Only your personal god of mischief knew.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9c23Ebpot
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOl6RbUMYl
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadVNYxm7LP
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XM20U22uQ
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDad5cFwUgi
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYUhG6lf7z
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ETulD1MEQ
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOKJMohOEC
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcaLKHBBWa
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuawd9cBqIJ
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmR9e2JBRCz
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIRvrm5YsQ
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPhRRWMTIJ
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdkqKrIyOs
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5ysTDPgCf
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHA7ifKvIhW
"What that?" you asked.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TaFtl6adq
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcFCX3w7c1
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tcKmkD3RW
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6DjfLxhTd
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDCwAtRc66
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmdgLcmCZL
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldfudIDYNq
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65V7AdixVs
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9YWA0JFlF
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmctSNN2F6
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GXOolsSWl
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYK1HA8ag1
"No" became your favorite word.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5cguu9TFJ
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0oCU80GS9
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2NYbXaoMp
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpj1rYYBid1
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCvoIdDwxv
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSQPhxYoMU
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlf1JFStwy
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5VQnTfeqd
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhru9mjGRW
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLZGzAArFp
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQl5wCyUrL
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupYKHbbNNB
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNXhGEAm1T
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxW4fGwhUH3
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWFfhrE3Y5
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1QPrDO2AN
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1lEIJX4yt
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocam0feSTW
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6AzdjqNyW
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcroEnhreYz
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8A51DL2o09
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKbTKvqzFL
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2dFWQw2dP
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wfOQqAWNy
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8O2C1notxf
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnaXcV7gJ4
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAopQxSWa5
Not like someone who warms.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ONTdCfXAW
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7jBYmFZ4E
