I’ve known it. I’ve always known it. Ever since I knew the exact shade of her eyes, the feel of her hair, the beauty of her smile, the sound of her laugh, I knew I was doomed.
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I, am a girl. . . that is attracted to other girls. And I was specifically attracted to my best friend. It wasn’t just attraction, it was love. I knew it was. I felt it. I knew it was hopeless. But I couldn’t help it when she laughed at my jokes. Those tiny embers of hope turned into a wildfire as she held my hand. Maybe there is a chance for me, I remember thinking.
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It was a Friday, around 4:00 PM. We were at a park, sitting on a bench with our hands joined. The sky started to turn rose and gold. I confessed to her that day. No, not that I loved her. I told her of my sexuality. I hoped for acceptance, I hoped for a hug, I hoped to be comforted. . . .
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But that wasn't what happened. She yanked away her hand, staring at me like I was some sort of mistake. She told me it was “wrong”. She told me I was wrong. She told me “this is just a phase”. She told me “you’re confused”. She told me all the words my heart dreaded. I wanted to yell at her, scream at her and leave and cry. I wanted to hate her but I couldn’t. She was my friend. My only friend. The only one that actually laughed with me and cried with me.
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And so, I desperately held on to her. I begged her not to leave. She was all I had. Surprisingly, she had stayed. But did she?
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As time flew by, we grew distant. Somewhere along the line, we stopped talking. We stopped laughing with each other. We stopped buying each other ice-cream. We stopped complaining about school together. I was alone and she found someone else. We didn’t even smile at each other when our eyes met from across the room.
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I lost her.
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But now I can find her again. I can make her stay. I can rewrite my story now.
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I glance at my watch. It’s a Friday today. It’s 3:40 PM now. I quickly get ready to meet my best friend at the park. Yes, I beam happily. Today is going to be the day I come out to her! My hands tremble with excitement and fear as I run through the park, heading towards our meeting point. The cold wind brushes my hair back, soothing a little of my anxiety. Today is the day she will see me. All of me.
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When I reach my destination, I see that she’s already there. She grins when she spots me. My heart does a weird flop in my chest. I inhale and try to compose myself, grinning back at her.
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“Hey!” she greets me, wrapping me in a warm hug. “Why’d you wanna meet up?”
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“What, so you don’t want us to meet anymore?” I playfully ask with a pout on my lips.
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She rolls her eyes and punches my shoulder. “You know I didn’t mean it that way you idiot.”
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“Yeah, but I’m your idiot so deal with it,” I say, flopping down on the bench. She sighs dramatically and sits down next to me.
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“Yup,” she said. “My idiot.”
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I can hear my heart hammering in my ears as a blush adorned my cheeks. I stare down at our linked hands. “I- I have to tell you something. . . .” I trailed off.
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“What is it?” she asked. I look up at her. This is it.
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“I- I’m—” I stutter, trying to get the words out. Uncertainty slowly creeps up on me like a spider crawling on my back. I gaze at my best friend who’s smiling encouragingly. I clenched my fists. No. “Nothing,” I whisper. “I just wanted to meet you. I missed you.”
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“We met yesterday you goofball,” she says softly, laughing at me. I laugh with her. It’s more of a forced sound coming out of my throat. No, I decided. I wanted to see that smile forever. I couldn’t lose her. If it means I can hear that laugh, then I’m willing to stay hidden. Yes, this is what I’ll do. It’s better if she doesn’t know me. It’s better this way.
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I end up not telling her. And it all stayed the same except for the heavy guilt that gnawed at my heart every single day. I couldn’t hold it. I couldn’t bear it. That feeling as if I were lying to her, as if I were hiding a terrible secret, it slowly destroyed me inside.
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Slowly, silently, without us even noticing, we grew apart. We lost each other. I was alone and she found a new friend. A friend who was normal. One of us sank to the bottom of the ocean, the weight of secrets dragging me down. The other merrily danced on the land with her new friend. I lost her. Again.
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I realize now, as I write this entry, that no matter how many times I try to rewrite my story. . . . 79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxKbsrMlYI
I will lose her.
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