The day before we signed the marriage contract, I was excessively skittish. I was so nervous and anxious that I couldn't sit still; I just wanted to run. I didn't care where I was going, I just wanted to be far from everything in this spot of space. Especially Lao'k, I wanted to be so far away from him that I retreated from his mind and tried to block him out of mine.
After I met with the labourer I had scheduled for the day, I rushed to Dr. Jaeger's office. There were three others waiting ahead of me. I felt like I was going to lose my mind with the waiting. I kept pacing up and down. A woman walked in after me; she seemed to know the other three. She was loud and talkative, but as loud as she was, her droning was a bit relaxing. I felt less anxious and could stop and sit comfortably without shaking too much. They probably think I'm a booster.
I laughed aloud and they turned to look at me. I shook my head and threw them a wave. When the person who'd been inside left, the three before me went in and came out rather quickly. I was happy they didn't need half hour long sessions. When the third exited the office I bolted for the door. The woman who came in after me objected.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing? I was here before you."
I didn't even turn to look at her.
"No, you weren't."
I stepped into the room and closed the door just as she got to the threshold.
"Hey!"
She banged on the door a couple of times before walking away.
"Trouble in the waiting area?"
"No trouble, just someone who showed up after me claiming she was here first."
Dr. Jaeger indicated to a chair, and I sat down.
"I haven't seen you in over a week. How are you?"
"Before I talk, I want your word that what I say here today stays between us."
"Alei, I apologise for before. It was, in a way, necessary."
"I need to have confidence in you, because there is no one else on this ship I can talk to right now."
"You have my word."
She drew up a promise agreement and we both signed it. As I started talking to her, I felt anxious again and began pacing about the room as I got her up to speed on things between Lao'k and I.
"We're joined. In effect, it means we are married and have consummated our marriage. The thought of us being tied to each other...before it had made me happy. Now I'm terrified. I want this but I don't."
"You're afraid to commit."
"I have committed!"
"You haven't. You've been along for the ride, and now things have gotten serious. It's no longer fantasy, it's your reality."
"No doc I've been very aware of my reality."
"Okay. From your previous relationships, were you ever married or engaged?"
"Engaged, three times."
"Did you ever feel like this in your other engagements? Or even just with people you were dating?"
I thought of those guys I'd been engaged to over the years. Our relationships didn't last long after the engagement. If I ever felt this anxious, it would have been with the last guy I was engaged to. We had dated for almost four years before he proposed, and when he did, I felt so confused about everything.
"I guess the last guy I was engaged to... he was also the last guy I dated."
"And you felt like running away after getting engaged?"
"Not so much running. I was just... really nervous about the relationship. I wasn't sure I still liked him the way I did at the beginning."
"What changed?"
"...I don't know... it was like... I'd finally started to see his flaws...No more like they started getting on my nerves."
"Did you approach him about his flaws before the engagement?"
"No. Some of them I thought were cute."
"So you only approached him about his flaws after getting engaged. How did he react?
"He said I was sabotaging our relationship. I wasn't, I just don't think I liked him enough to tolerate his flaws in the long run."
"Did you love him?"
"...He was a nice guy. He was really sweet, respectful, loyal...a gentleman really."
"Did you love him Alei?"
"...I...I uh...I...Yeah."
"Do you love Lao'k?"
"...I don't know."
God, we've had sex five times in two days. How could I not know if I loved him? I mean, I felt like I was falling in love with him. I know he loves me...
"Do you think you've committed yourself to loving him?"
"How do I love him? I feel like I have no idea what love is."
"Does he have flaws that you've begun to notice or that have started to annoy you?"
"A couple. I hate that it feels like nothing really bothers him. He might be upset, but it's so brief he just moves on to something else. And sometimes it feels like he's skirting around things that bother me. He can read my mind, but he rarely questions me or comments on them. Then he can be demanding, he'd say something and expect me to follow his direction without giving me more information. I get that he's a lot older than me but sometimes he treats me as a child it's frustrating."
"If I'm not mistaken, you can also read his mind, yes?"
"Yes."
"Have you searched his mind to see his thoughts on the things that upset him, or distress you, or even what he intends when he's ordering you around? I'm not entirely sure how the mind reading works, but I imagine it to be a constant sharing, an openness with everything in your mind, no boundaries like your minds are one."
When she said that, Lao'k's words from a few weeks ago came back at me. 'Alei you sit in my mind, but you do not read it'. All this time together, and I still haven't been trying to know him. Yes, I've seen his memories, but his mind, his personality, how he thinks about things as they happen, I didn't know. Tears streaked down my shocked face. Dr. Jaeger handed me a disposable towel, but I could barely move. I kept staring at the towel in my hand.
"Why are you afraid to love Alei?"
My brows twitched and I could feel the veins running down the edge of my eyes pulsing rapidly. I am afraid to love? Why would I be afraid to love? Of course, I wanted to get married and have a family like most people. How could I be afraid to love? I always thought about love. I love romance stories, and I would need to love the man I married. There was no reason for me to be afraid of love.
"Doc I think you're reading me wrong... I'm not afraid of love. I love romance books and movies and even fantasise about my own encounters."
"We all enjoy a good romance story, but we can be afraid of its elements in our personal lives, sometimes due to hurt or trauma we've experienced, or even have yet to experience. Let's go back a little. You said the last guy you dated, whom you were engaged to, you felt like running from him?"
"...Yeah."
"How did your previous engagements end?"
"They broke up with me."
"How?"
"The first guy broke up with me by message while he was away on business, a week after proposing. The second guy acted like his mother had forced him to propose, and he snapped two months after, calling everything off."
"And you didn't feel anxious about those relationships after getting engaged?"
"...No."
"If Lao'k and the other councilors got back on their ship and left Sol, how—"
Something in me snapped. A rush of new tears flooded my eyes, my breath came in short sharp gasps, my body went cold, and I began shaking uncontrollably. If Lao'k left me... That thought echoed loudly in my mind over and over again. I couldn't think past that statement. Dr. Jaeger rushed over to me, trying to shake me from my stupor.
"Alei? Alei!"
I was afraid of Lao'k leaving me...A memory I had long forgotten resurfaced. The day Tristan proposed, I was worried he would break up with me before the wedding. I had been afraid of Tristan leaving me too...God, that's why I didn't feel comfortable around him after the engagement...why I pushed him away.
My lack of response made Dr. Jaeger reach for a relaxant in her cabinet. Before she could inject me, I stopped her.
"I'm okay Doc."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I just got a wake-up call. You're right...I am afraid to love. I'm afraid if I give my heart to Lao'k, he will leave me like the others. I think that would devastate me."
"His people keep lovers for a lifetime, don't they?"
"Yeah, I'm having trouble digesting that."
"Well, my advice to you is don't run from him, Alei. Take things slowly, little by little, and take a chance to open yourself to him. Once we reach an agreement with his people, they will be among us for a long time."
"Thanks Doc."
"You sure you're ready to go?"
"Yeah I've taken up quite a bit of your time already. I'm gonna try to sort things out. If I get stuck, you'll see me again."
I took a bottle of water from her fridge. Soaking one end of the towel, I wiped the tears from my face. No need to step out there looking like I'd cried my eyes out. Granted, they would look puffy and red, but still, no tears, no evidence.
When I left the office, the woman from earlier was waiting for me. I'd forgotten about her. Assuming she would move on to meet the doc, I walked past her briskly. She, on the other hand, decided I was more important than meeting Dr. Jaeger. She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face her.
"You cut in front me."
"No, I didn't."
"I was here before you."
"No you weren't. The other three were here when I came in. You were not here."
"I stepped out to get something from my quarters."
"Well then you lost your spot."
"No I didn't my friends were here."
"The room's free now. If you want to go in, go ahead."
I turned to walk away from her again, but she grabbed my shirt collar pulling me to a stop. A relaxed sigh escaped my lips. I was tensed, stressed, and needing an outlet to physically vent. One warning. If she engages me again I strike.
"Bitch, I'm not done talking to you!"
A friend once told me that sometimes when I'm angry I smile like a deranged person. I have no idea what my face looked like, but I knew I was smiling when I turned to the woman. Whatever was on my face made her back away.
"Don't pull my collar like that again. You're not my mother."
She didn't touch me again, but followed me for a few feet, yelling insults.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about my previous relationships and how they ended. About how I felt about those guys and how I felt about Lao'k. Gradually, my anxiety calmed down as I made sense of my life the last few weeks and how I felt about spending the rest of my life with Lao'k.
I did love him. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I wanted a family with him. I wanted to wake up every morning next to him. To enjoy my favourite outdoor activities with him. To do the things he wanted for fun. I thought of him with my family, living and working with us on the farm. That would be our future.
The next morning, I woke up early. I was happy, genuinely happy. It was a fleeting feeling, but it gave me a new view on life, if only for a brief moment. I touched Lao'k's mind and found him waiting for me.
I was upset with him yesterday. I knew I hadn't completely blocked him from my mind. He had to have known what happened in Dr. Jaeger's office, but didn't show up to comfort me like he usually did. I was mad at him for that. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday, so I avoided searching his mind for his thoughts.
We didn't talk much, only rehearsed our plans. He was doing the avoiding thing again, not bringing up yesterday. But then, I didn't want to talk about it before we signed the contract. I knew I still wasn't making an effort, but I didn't want to get cold feet.
At mid morning, Fiona came in. I engaged the lock on the door as soon as she was ready. Then Lao'k teleported in...shirtless? Right! I had promised to dress him in place of Mal'k. Still, if only for today, he could have asked Mal'k to help him.
We made a promise. A promise is to give your word. There is little else in life that carries such great weight.
Keeping a promise I can understand. It's a good habit, especially in business; it solidifies your reputation. This wasn't the first time he'd followed a promise to the letter. I need to get used to his straight-forward approach.
Fiona began the signing. We wrote our vows on the contract and read them to each other before signing and stamping them with our fingerprints. Lao'k reassured me as I signed the contract.
Love, I will never walk away from you.
I know. I'll probably frustrate you more later, but I promise to make a bigger effort to trust you.
I will always wait for you, love.
With the contract signed, our marriage was finalised. Lao'k hugged me while we waited for Fiona to finish filing the contract with the UEG. As I played with the scars on his chest, he whispered against my temple.
"I want to have you again soon."
"You will."50Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWVfdBRmgs
