***trigger warning-loss***
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"Matty please just touch me" I say to him.
He's upset we're home now, he's been grilling me about what happened on the dance floor. He's annoyed he wasn't there to step in.
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"I should have just gone with you" he says.
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"It's done now" I say and I grasp his face in my hands.
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"What did Jay do?" He asks.
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"He just told him to fuck off" I say, not entirely true. He said I was his.
"Now can we just be together?" I ask him
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"Of course" he says but I can tell it's playing on his mind.
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We go up to bed and I change, he helps me out of my dress. I hang it up and he pulls me into him. His jaw is still tense, he's pissed.
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"Taylor" he whispers.
"Are you 100 percent sure about me, like do you care for me like before?" He asks.
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"Matty? What the actual?" I say turning around.
Now I'm pissed.
"I just nearly had your child and fucking lost it, and you think I'm not sure about you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You won't even touch me or kiss me properly" I say.
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"I'm trying to give you space" he says.
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"I don't want space. I want you" I say.
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"But he's always around you Taylor" he complains brushing his hair back. I want to slap him.
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"Did you not just hear what I said? I want you. Yes he's around me all the time, he treats me like a normal human being who doesn't have problems. He doesn't act like I'm going to break" I say and I can't take it back.
"I can be normal around Jay, not emotional and not broken" I say.
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He looks away from me, removing all physical contact.
"I'm grieving too Taylor. From what happened. I'm trying so hard to be there for you in the right way" he says.
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"I know I'm sorry, I've fucked things up. I know that, maybe we just need some time to" I begin.
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He pulls me in again, strokes my hair down my back.
"You have not fucked up anything. I'm the fuck up. I'm sorry" he says.
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I cry. I didn't want to cry at all.
"My hormones are all over the place, I don't feel like me. I'm trying so hard not to think about our baby, at every minute of the day. Being around you and you telling me that I don't care about you is so painful. I can't believe you think that" I say.
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"I'm sorry" he says.
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I pull on his shirt. Intent on going to bed.
He puts his arms around me in bed, and I cry. Not even wanting to look at him. Of course I've brought this on myself. Jay being around me all the time. From Matty's perspective it would look like I care about him. I blame myself for everything. It is all my fault and instead of talking it through with him, I cry about it.
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And that's the whole problem I do care about Jay. I feel like me around him, and at the moment it's hard for me to feel okay at all. But he makes me feel normal.
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***
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The following morning I take some paracetamol, for my head. We're heading to the clinic to remove the remaining tissue which used to be a perfect, beautiful baby. This was never going to be an okay day for me.
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I turn back around in the bed to face Matty, he's still asleep his hands reaching out for me. I put my arms around him, rubbing his back and massaging his shoulders.
"Do you want a coffee?" I ask him softly.
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"Please, love you" he mutters.
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I slip out of bed and go down to make him a coffee and get some tea for myself.
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When I return he's still asleep, I set the coffee down and begin drinking my tea next to him.
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"Good morning" he says to me.
"Thanks for the coffee" he adds.
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"Todays gonna be horrible" I say wiping my face.
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"Babe I'm here for you" he says and he hugs me in bed.
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We shower together and have some breakfast which Matty cooks.
Then we leave and head to the clinic.
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Once we are there the nurse supplies me with a consent form which I sign, she then explains that the procedure will be maximum 20 minutes but I may need to stay afterwards for some time.
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I opt for general anaesthesia so that I'm not awake during the procedure.
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"My love I'm right here, I will see you afterwards. I love you so much" Matty says to me before letting me go.
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"I love you" I tell him and then I follow the nurse.
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I get gowned up and the nurse relaxes me and gives me the injection which puts me to sleep. Before I drift off I say goodbye to our baby, the one that will never be a part of me again. I visualise him for the last time, telling him I love him and always will.
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