Chapter Theme Music: Anxiety ~ FFVII (Remake) OST149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOQtkRA42W
<02/26/2011 - 17:02 | 44 Greivar Trail, Marietta, GA, USA>
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I know I used to say that I'm not the optimist others want me to be. In many situations, I look for the downsides so that I can avoid them. And fairness? Don't even get me started on that. Life does not treat people in a fair or karmic manner. If it did, I wouldn't be suffering so often like I am now. There isn't a single week that can go by where I can be free from a headache.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ275MX0zx5C
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They have become more common lately, and today, I'm fighting against a level five tension headache. Only this time, since I've already been linked to Lumina, the connection is still active and going. I wish there were something I could do about this, but even Lumina has no clue what is causing these or how to stop it. Now that she knows how much this pain bothers me, she's gone into pity mode again.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinOao8KhcN
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"I'm sorry that this is becoming a problem Reed. I wish I could help you, but Altiri science hasn't surpassed human science when it comes to headaches. The illness is still a total mystery to us." A fact that I'm not surprised by, given that the Altiri never get headaches. "Not only that, but the potential causes for headaches among humans seems infinite, and different depending on the person."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDFKkgWx93
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Since I was already hurting enough, and since I was in my room alone, I didn't bother using projection to speak, and Lumina followed my lead on that this time. "You might as well admit it. I'm totally screwed. I'm going to be plagued by these headaches forever. I'll never be able to live like this." I may sound dramatic to her, but I doubt anyone would sound different if they had 3-4 headaches every single week. Even that much is high for me, so it may go down later, but it's the biggest buzz kill.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EDyWJY4zZ
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"I'm sorry you're in constant pain Reed. I just don't know what to do for you. This is the one thing I don't have advice on."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNeNg7Eucs
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"They've gotten worse, and more frequent too. But, I do believe you, when you said that the purge and these connections are not related to them." I get these things whether I'm connected to Lumina or not. There is no pattern between them. Even before the purge, I've had headaches. They seemed to start up at a different period in time, when I was exposed to mold, giving me tons of random new allergies. In other words, Lumina is not the cause of this.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zX1MODdme
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"I already knew that. But I just don't know what could be causing them... When did they first start?"149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RVooUs7kF
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"I don't even know anymore, but they're wrecking my entire life now, and the medicine I have isn't even working. I could upgrade to stronger pills, but I heard that most of that stuff is addicting, even for some of the over-the-counter pills."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpPsb1crzN
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"Still, to think you would even consider going that far... Is it really that bad?"149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jqeXo9BhE
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I don't blame Lumina for asking. I bet she's cautiously curious about this, since the pain from headaches never transfers over in telepathy. "It is, but it could be a lot worse. Even when they're not bad, having even a small one dents my focus and makes life less enjoyable for me. Mine is not that bad right now. If it were, I wouldn't be talking to you." It's a small rule sheet I established. Connecting to Lumina is only possible if the headache is below a level 4. However, if already connected, the pain can jump all the way to a level 5.5 without the connection being forced to drop. Once it reaches six, all bets are off.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjaXViNm325
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I knew it was wrong to talk about this right now. I can sense a sort of guilt with her, something she should never feel for me. "But these things can go all the way up to a ten on the pain scale. Once that happens, I'm forced to just stay on the floor, kicking and screaming in agony. It's literally worse than anything I've ever experienced before. Since they are as frequent as three days a week at random, you can see how bad things are." I had a level ten two days ago. Even though two days have passed since, my body physically trembles, shaking from the fear of having another one, at least during a moment I'm pain free again. I don't shake in fear over anything; it just isn't me, except for this one instance.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlJYVJGKdf
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"I don't like hearing that you are hurting that much."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaBJZXRuMT
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You? What about me? I'm the one who's in the most pain because of it. Besides, it's not like Lumina can do anything about it for me. I knew she would if she could think of something... But the both of us are stumped by this one condition. Having these things is ruining my life. "Am I going to be like this forever Lumina? Am I just some kind of defective human with an incurable headache condition? If I am defective, then I won't be able to keep going like this."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RiWTKw49A
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"... Is that a confession of suicide?"149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJ0pFbFvkf
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Realizing why she paused for a moment, I had to make sure Lumina and I were on the same page... But before I could reply to that, the thought was now playing out in my head. What if I'm right? What if I'm eternally doomed to suffer like this forever and ever? Would it really even be worth the effort to keep on living? I don't see myself committing suicide over this, but something must be done about it. "... No. Not yet anyway. But I really am depressed by this."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCtRFEDcwq
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"Damn. I can't believe the pain is that bad for you."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRGJYy5zko
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"It's not about the pain level Lumina. It's about the frequency of them. These things ruin my entire day, even the little ones that don't grow to bigger ones."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzlfvG7tEo
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"They do?"149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXNrjCH9Jy
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"I would gladly trade my situation to have more intense but less frequent headaches if that were somehow an option. Think about it from my perspective. Outside of the pain itself, just having a headache means I can no longer focus my thoughts like I normally can. I can't focus on my homework or my book work. Normally, I use all of my collective thoughts at once when they shift to the subject matter, and it tends to feel good, letting me produce my best work or learn faster. But when I'm in pain, I can't focus my thoughts on anything at all. Instead, all my mind can do is worry about how bad the pain hurts."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTHIaXO9eR
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"That must make your UAD worse." Lumina only went to that conclusion because of the link between how I focus my thoughts daily and how doing so prevents UAD.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoZdJhdYvK
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"Actually, it doesn't. I think that the pain is so brutal, that it prevents the UAD from even happening... But if I could, I would rather trade the two out. I'd rather have UAD than this crap. In fact, I'd sooner chop off my own two legs if it meant getting rid of headaches presently."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FbRk5PLUo
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"I'm so sorry Reed."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdQ9RELZ6u
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"And that's not all. You've already told me before that the heat of the outdoors prevents us from communicating with each other, but a single headache on my side can prevent this too. My thoughts can't focus on psionic projections as well when I'm in even the slightest amount of pain, from a headache anyway. This just creates another problem for myself. I'm one hundred percent miserable every time I have a headache. If the current trend of three days a week continues, then it's almost half my entire life that I'm going to end up being miserable for." This is why I have the right to be down and depressed. Nobody knows what to do, and the situation itself is horrendous.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFteNnxwcNm
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But contrary to what I thought Lumina might say next, the girl unexpectedly lost her nerve, and held her face into her hands sobbing. The cold wet tears of sadness oozed down her hands, giving me the same sensation. She couldn't hide how upset this made her, and she didn't even make any words with her mouth or her mind.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlvKXgqhQc
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"Whah— Don't cry Lumina! This is not your fault!" If I knew how sad this was making her, I never would have come to her with this problem to begin with. I certainly didn't want to make her cry of all things. Feeling her sadness was somehow worse than any headache.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ewulj2sIX
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"I know that!" she muffled with her hands covering her sobs. "But I can't bear the thought of how much you are suffering from these headaches."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqQ4Ez4GPW
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"Hey, Lumina? Don't worry about it. I only needed somebody to talk with about this." Really though, I had to try everything now to cheer her up. I know she might not be able to bear my situation, but just as well, I can't bear the thought of her crying like this, no matter the context. "Besides, I might be getting more miserable, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on myself. I want you and me to work together on this case, to try and work out what exactly is causing them. Once we find that out, I can remove the cause, and live a happy life again."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjnv1xTeuw
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"Okay." Lumina wiped her eyes and her face, trying to compose herself again the way I wanted her to.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupSxogf2I4
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"But until that happens, life is just going to get harder for me. I won't be able to accomplish very much in a daily system with all this going on. It's literally as if half my life is unavailable to me right now. So, I have to be patient too and hope for the best."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19vjOlTt3v
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"Yeah."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZdJGM6biU
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"I'm sorry that upset you Lumina, but I really need your help here. I really trust you with this. I trust that you can help me, even if all you can do from there is help me in spirit. I would never put faith in anyone else."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLDGTzrFi3
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"Yeah... I'm okay with that."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXWfFO2BAN
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Even though I tried running the damage control on her own sadness, the haunting thoughts of her crying returned to my mind, revealing to me what Lumina must look like when she cries. Thanks to that, tears started to fall from my eyes as well, no matter how much I fought them. "But you don't have to bet upset about it Lumina."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHTd9WPg7o
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"But, why are you crying now?" She was most confused, wondering what suddenly triggered my own eyes to ball like that.149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpJABWNFBu
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The answer was simple. I may be depressed about this, but not enough to break down into tears. No, I've just come to reality - to see something far worse than anything I could ever imagine. Lumina's tears, they punch harder than anything, right into my own heart. "It's nothing. I just don't like it when you cry. It hurt me inside just thinking about it."149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rx1MEvjFE
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"I'm sorry." Still was I uncertain if I've said something horrible. I'd never forgive myself if anything I say hurts her even a little. "I guess we both have to be stronger people from now on. I'll do my best to support you, okay?"149Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3nBhRC7nz
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"Of course Lumina. Let's wish ourselves good luck." My tone was not meant to sound like we were about to part ways, but with the level five headache I'm packing, there is no telling how much time we have left, on top of the fact that it's not super cold outside either this evening. Only time will tell what we can do about this situation.
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