Chapter Theme Music: A Pair of Idiots ~ Clannald OST169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZBVLWzlJv
<10/07/2009 - 11:50 | Saffrin Middle School (Lunch), Austell, GA, USA>
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Despite how much time passed by, nothing seemed to change about me since what happened before. My obsession of the skies still lingered, though it felt less powerful whenever my emotions were high for the specific reason of being as feminine as possible. That hasn't begun to change either; instead it has only become far stronger. As for my hatred against men driving that attitude, it's still there and holding on.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jxeSBOIhr
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I would glare with murderous desire every time I passed one in the halls, and wish for a burning meteorite to smash down into the boys' locker room every time I had to change clothes in gym class. But overall, those feelings never kept me in a good mood, and I wanted nothing more than my spirits to run higher. That was the whole reason I chose to be this way in the first place, to be happier, to be myself even though it felt weird sometimes.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iMFeTDsUq
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"I would absolutely love it!" Even my voice and attitude were as giddy as possible, not that I had to fake any bit of it. My response was directed to Banarus speaking among her larger circle of friends at the bigger lunch table. Even in a crowded place like this, I sat only by the girls. There were times where Banarus or the others would shoo me away, but even then, I sat next to strangers if the table allowed me to, or by myself if the only alternative was to six next to those disgusting monsters. Even when some men would sit with the same circle of girls I was used to hanging around, I would tolerate their presence, sometimes.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoti4UnZWQu
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Banarus wanted to laugh, but it was still something to get used to, seeing me so enthusiastic and energetic by the very idea of going with random people to the Mall. After a month of this, it should be obvious that I was not playacting, and no boy would do this just to fawn over anyone either. My emotions were real, genuine excitement to get my shopping on.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6qm6xipQt
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Who wouldn't be excited about a trip to the mall? I have been there several times, but all of the times in the past were different than what was being proposed. I used to go, but only because my mother forced me and my brother to go. I hated that, because she would always take five times longer than what I would ever take. But even to go to the mall and buy nothing, if only to browse and hang out with people I can call friends, just that opportunity was one I would never turn down.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaZh60VRJh
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"Anyway..." Though she had been talking to the group for some time after my outburst, Veronica continued on with the small tale she was telling about her pet dog. "After I started cleaning it, I couldn't believe what I saw! This dog has the biggest pair of balls I have ever seen!" While her statement forced Banarus to splash milk from her nose, my reaction to hearing that was an interesting effort of pretending not to hear a word.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpwxP0o1ft
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Of course I would pretend not to hear that! What is she, nuts? The last thing I want to hear about is a giant sack of nuts, be it called brass clankers or jiggly bits! This is just great. The highlight of my day is hearing Veronica talking about her dog's scrotum. Why is she bringing it up anyway? Is it that impressive?169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZE2ktwF1HF
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"No seriously!" she pleaded paying most attention to me given my unfortunate reaction. "My dog's balls were this big! I'm like, damn!" She even cupped her hands together to show off relative size. Given the circumstances, they were much bigger than an average pair, so it makes sense to why she was surprised.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkTkxSE67a
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"Having fun Reed? You know you love talking about this stuff!" Patting me on the back with a masochist smile, Banarus really laid the situation on thick the moment my facial expression darkened in the mood, since this is one girly conversation I didn't want to be part of.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskHcA23SBy
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Of course she would rub it in... All I could was mouth off as usual. "If only we were more well-mannered. To think the topic of dog balls would come up as we were eating." To some surprise however, the others were laughing, not just at my pain, but also based on what I said. Not that it mattered much since I wanted the subject to change already.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VASy72DoR
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Honestly, I know I said I was okay with their girl talk even when it involved guys, but that doesn't mean I wanted to hear every second of it. Still, it didn't stop them sometimes when they discussed other similar things that would have disturbed most people to run away with their hands on their head screaming. Sometime later, they began discussing their own menstrual cycles, in excruciating detail I might add. It didn't occur to me that they may have done that to me on purpose to test my metal.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YODs2n25W
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Maybe it was a ploy to get more reaction out of me... But as I listened on and on about it, I released no judgments. Some of the girls were impressed afterwards that I was still able to go on eating, and therefore assumed I didn't understand what they were talking about, as if to further prove they were messing with me a little. But I knew. I knew in general what sex was since two years ago after that usual parental talk. I also knew just enough about girl's periods to understand what it meant.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPd1BxrgKqh
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What got me through that conversation (which I kept out of vocally), wasn't that I was ignoring them or trying to think about something else; it was strangely the thought that we could all embrace such a topic so effortlessly that made it okay with me. More specifically, it is something that happens to women; whether they want it to or not. They can't help, control, or change that about themselves. And while most normal people especially men would find that gross, I thought about it in a more beautiful way. Something that a person goes through but not something they can deny or control; a natural part of themself. It felt kind of ordinary thinking of it from that angle, making me feel already like it was just a normal conversation to have despite the fact that I was a guy. That is what got me through the conversation; my appreciation and unwavering respect for women made me most accepting of their general behaviors and conversations, even as it sometimes turned to something I could not relate to. I think over time, that is why some of them felt they could trust me more, or why they felt much less threatened by my presence than the presence of some other macho heathen.
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<10/20/2009 - 11:00 | Saffrin Middle School (English), Austell, GA, USA>169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xGEWUtTxE
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Every time I used my chance to embrace the sensations of womanhood, such feelings became deeper embedded into my personality. To clarify, I still was okay understanding that there was a difference in wanting to be a female and having absolute respect for them. I went with the latter of options, putting the opinions of women above all other advice I had received in life. At the same time, I tried to keep track of what felt right and what felt wrong, so I still remained chained to my own self-identity in a variety of ways.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9lnQgeZ1Y
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Of course, this also caused me to act and say far more than I used to, as though I became brave enough to stand up for women in any situation, though most of it was just hypothetical or in my daydreams. I started enjoying other biased media based on its premise, and implemented some of those ideas directly into my own school work.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVBvUUEN60
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Ms. Frasier, my English teacher assigned us our first research and writing project one day. With hesitant approval from my immediate peers (Banarus's circle of friends), I decided to find what I already knew existed in the world. While chanting the catchy banter of Girls Rule! in my mind gave me a powerful sense of joy and justice, it was no match for what I would be able to put into this project.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltjr5wUB7T
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See, even for my grade level and what limited knowledge I had about the world, it was not entirely limited. I knew just enough to recall a time in US history when females did not have equal treatment in society to men, such as the right to vote. There was also more recently a dark moment of history, a time I was also never part of in which racism against dark skinned people dominated our lands. Being white myself, I felt pretty bad for it happening at all, though I know I would have been one of the few to not ever go along with such a gross filter of viewing people.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6i2VCAz8o
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I see. So I'm not racist, which is good. But I am sexist, which is bad? Is it bad? It doesn't feel bad to me, not even a little. I don't hate men because they are simply men. I hate them because of the way they act and behave, because of how they tend to treat women and others who appear lower than them. I hate men because they all deserve to die...169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy37xcfIby4
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But getting back to the point, moments like that in history never die out entirely. Either by location or scale can a level of disparage linger after all this time. So, I decided to check in to see if women were in some way or another being treated unfairly even today after all this time, and what I turned up with was this.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ruGe3OXxJ
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"That is why we have to pay more attention to our quest of equality! Even if it isn't everywhere, there are still pay gaps. On average, women are paid less than men. And when there isn't enough outcry to stop it, it will continue forever until someone does say something about it." I chanted what I believed in while standing up before the entire class, holding my poster board with all of my relevant information on it. The speech I was making certainly surprised several classmates, who up until this point did not realize what kind of person I was inside.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MGXEFculu
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The teacher, being female herself nodded her head in agreement, and returned with, "He's right you know. To this day, the wages for women workers are lower than the men." Ms. Frasier didn't ask me the question that she wanted to, such as why I picked this topic of all others. It was most unusual to see a male student so proudly and adamantly discuss the topic of women's rights in modern America.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCPqJaU21Y
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The students were just as shocked in their own way. Essentially every boy in class shared looks of confusion and disbelief, some of them asking stupid questions at the end, such as why I was going through with a project like this. Some of them thought it was a joke or a dare, but I reassured all of them that I was dead serious! The female students on the other hand couldn't take their eyes off me or the poster for the entire duration of my presentation. They were proud of me, proud that a boy would recognize that women have unrecognized struggles in life too, and that I was acknowledging them. It wasn't only about wage differences. This project was meant to reveal how different men and women really are, to unveil how many different problems women put up with compared to men. So, in addition to their attention, I got a round on unexpected applause and clapping from the girls of the classroom.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTBasYWamL
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I knew how much this would polarize how the other saw me. The men would for certain exclude me now from any group project, while the women may be more receptive to my ideas should I share them. After all this time of learning more about what it is like to be a woman, I realized that there are some severe amounts of differences. For example, while it only takes me about 45 minutes tops to get myself ready for school, most girls here wake themself up about two hours early to ensure they look presentable. They pick the best matching outfits, work on their hair which can take the longest, apply makeup which also takes forever, and most of them shower twice a day, morning and at night, evident in how nice they smelled. On top of that, they have many more little things to deal with that men do not, one of which was being judged for how they look instead of who they are, which felt like a knife cutting deep into my heart, knowing it should not be so.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7I0wLLh6NG
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I knew I had a long way to go from there before I could ever really understand completely, but I wanted to understand and learn as much as possible. This wasn't the only project like this either. Any chance that I got in school, I took that opportunity to support women everywhere as much as I could, either in a research project or something else. Even though my intention was to play all of this by feeling, I gradually gained more trust and respect from the social circles I sat with each week. Even Britney no longer saw me as a threat to go after, though she was still distant, not from me, but from the entire group, as if she had fallen into a different caste system entirely based on her own choices and preferences.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4z93XfH9vj
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My home life was less exciting. I knew my parents just well enough to know they would not approve of my recent behavior. They too wanted a man such as myself to be as manly as possible. My stupid step-father only made it worse sometimes, pretending that I was into the same sports he was, and getting frustrated whenever I adamantly backed out of it. Despite how scary and intimidating the man was, I was beginning to find a voice for myself and learn how to back out of his disgusting heathenish desires that I did not share.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDjtdzNRa5
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I was just as well obsessed with the idea that girls were the superior gender, so much that I searched that phrase through random websites, mostly out of boredom. One cool thing did come of it. I found a random website that sponsored another channel that focuses on hosting a few good free TV shows that presented a strong female leading character. From that, I found the show Cybergirl (2002) and Ocean Girl, which was an ongoing series at the time.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJn79KjTCHK
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It gave me something to do in that time, and something to be proud of too. Whatever embarrassment I had about it before had long since vanished away into dust. My woman's pride has never felt so strong as it has now. Nobody could ever take that away from me. And if I wanted to act as girly as possible, I would do so, proudly without hesitation. It felt good to be this way; it felt right. Logic never had a chance to bump into the thought process, and I didn't allow it to. Even if it made little sense for why I felt this way deep down, or why I hated heathens so much, I prioritized how good it felt to give in. This was the way things were meant to be from the start.
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<11/27/2009 - 12:00 | Saffrin Middle School (Lunch), Austell, GA, USA>169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu3APOdObx
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Born from the changes I had made within myself, there were additional consequences born from this, not that they were anything negative. It took me a long time to realize it, the changes too gradual to pick up on right away. But because of my behaviors, because of my positive and respectful attitude towards women, because of my total absence of all traces of masculinity, and because of my continued devotion to sit by the girls and have a good time with them, I actually did end up becoming more popular.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtk4DvpFgI
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The effects were of course limited to the friends of friends I was sitting by all the time, but that alone created a powerful effect of notoriety. Random girls would approach me from time to time, just to sit and chat, all out of curiosity instead of flirtatious intent, which I silently preferred. As unpopular as this made me with the nearby men, the fact I, a male student of Saffrin Middle School would take the girl's side on so many things including believing them to be better or smarter with some things extended this invisible bridge of trust between me and many other female students hearing about me. Some of the things I said or presented often left the classroom and fell into rumor beyond the people I normally associated with. So, by this point, nobody found it too awkward anymore if I was sitting with a group of twelve girls at the lunch table or twenty of them. At this rate, I may end up getting invited to a slumber party or something.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDodfS5Pdu
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There was an additional effect stacked on top of my increased popularity too. Since I was ignored less often, and more confident about some of the things I was preaching in support of being girly, that confidence also leaked a little into other topics of conversation that would sometimes come up. I realized quickly enough that one of the biggest goals everyone had at the lunch table including myself was to have as much fun as possible. Knowing that, I told everyone some more stories of my past or from what I heard from other people. The genre of each story was supposed to be shocking or funny.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZLFYermQJ
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In time, my silly side came out more often. I was able to finally keep up with some of their fast-paced conversations and crack jokes on the side. I wasn't a top class comedian, but I was funny enough to get a laugh or two often enough for my own confidence to get additional gradual boost, stacking up further and further as my days passed in total bliss. Before long, hanging out with Banarus, Laura, Maddison, and Malica especially at lunch became the highlight of my school days. We would all talk about whatever sounded interesting and have a good laugh about it. Despite how weird I was in the first place, I seemed to fit in better because of my involvement with them.169Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiaw0JmAwcj
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I can't begin to explain the wonderful feeling of getting others to laugh or smile alongside me. For the first time in my entire life, I felt the building weight of what could be a true collection of real friendship. Whether it was an interesting rumor we heard once, or a time like yesterday when I made Banarus laugh at the wrong time, causing her to blast a spit-full of milk into my face, I made lunch the highlight of my day yet again, even though the milk thing was gross. Before long, I felt happier in life than I had ever felt before then. I never bothered asking the question of how long it would last. I couldn't imagine something like this coming to an end, so, I didn't think about it.
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