穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmnpDRW5lQ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO70GEzjWpp
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoflJbMsd1I
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOhIvrjOX9
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbm2yb6c0Vp
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9A8omS2E2L
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxYKBDhFli
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ940I0vkuTq
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaceyFGz7Pl
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewP3beI9XZ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi09rQeZiWb
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlDblAoZEK
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRMiFHZ1ZV
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrahZZfRCB
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ050AzXbeAb
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsl2AjOwlz
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzQwPGfAFi
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmWm5VFUQI
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGftc5Izw8
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi12g9NhagB
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkJ5Dfs8B6
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuDSjGEZFr
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK5OE6X9zB
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcWLH7Mtqv
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitrM9DqJ8V
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9nah5BpdU
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctopVfNNLE
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfcCoByRYS
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk6iSmlJEfH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2T0UBM7Xp
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0f38Us753W
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysNM1hzifh
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjo8NO6Qgi1
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZidBp1zJB3
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQL0bSOc39
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK76SRTlRzr
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuRLivB4cd
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxZVjQFO7n
「鍾意你。」他說。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkd1y7YJgx
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkJczVqRaG
「我都係。」她應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEP3jYvJME
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVDbLG5gSO
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjpVG1ju9d
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjumeY1dTkx
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BitVbW6OX
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVq0aIL5cS8
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HP7caY1Jo
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Fg6DCZGRm
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmvSweANYh
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqvCt5hHtR
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghd2ZSoRHP
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1j2EhOLfp8
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm62gRegWHA
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJi0TOwROf
二人過後做愛、入睡。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQpi1NAjDH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJWzOlWklX
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7W3RiguVt
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotiei6Vb6U
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqhdHRfaxW
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZvPWfcEhY
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2P5WGs8lq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwBgfplBAT
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChq5xT7p3l
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrbepwEqGR
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZ4WE5q8zH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgXXq8jNVA
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxI3P8q5r2k
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4qUhNYBKE
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdNDhmVliZ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG09ngQKdB2
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfks1YFNMt
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVFLHVZYJ9
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3CuQKVZsF
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQIE6aHHZc
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYpphp6hhq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpqXwPNFTo
她糊糊塗塗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakmQZQSosI
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdH5LUBjMN
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwtqs2WrWR
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiNd112zJ6
最怕空虛。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewG8IefXEm
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhy3TsB2zOo
/400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrCNrhK0lZ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtV2Fu1JfoE
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT83q2LrEAb
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8emNcKbam
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8soZnH8Mv
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsBGu2UI2p
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWOPio1awX
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS30VIn1W25
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0AD54qCJIg
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkP7qajFzL
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWruf3QQoTe
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvq8H9cVrVr
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BehvVws4h
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLolgtunIpH
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2NyHMh8JF
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSahETs7z7
她不過在日常之中夢遊。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQAzNBSm7W
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgcBFz4KxW
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lEKIQIF3X
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTBeImwY0o
「上年12月開始。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLrNp7iL8r
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nsScGO9TG
「頻率係？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXirXQYpVyA
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2sXTT8joU
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkTFi6hyXr
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxirOUaMDA
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NnIf7lzNN
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOQkpYJAPB
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdArLosRyt1
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtkQ9oXFlp
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnD5vikYaUk
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfOovv7Sfs
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2soJFGxA7
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYy6oZ8wax
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvWp74RVbH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYO40UDaIM
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5kynITz55
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxoKGyjXUO
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlfF5U2Tef
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv789yAN4JF
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhfhng3P6Z
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9V0NEPC3p0
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfS9FbEvpI
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhgnWpvPVN
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx2d169wmt
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjVydfNnCu
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvYE47YYIj
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZK8rT0kmE
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaenjkiEmel
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0QjqWI4O9
連傾訴都不真誠。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3M85sSO6O
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjGUA43JMx
不開心又不去死。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61HUeRq8eD
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5XBbS4iM4
不去死又不改變。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwBGSZuAYQ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpbFNq35sw
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SfThFyVw4
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmkdsaWgU4
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxb6XItSiWt
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkqas6Slga
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn92AXEjym7
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5m63h4Ek1
