穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWcwOytgjp
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5PJf2ZlNe
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9SfsvWmgb
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDBJXbxEmT
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6yKVCcHvc
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1avHtseEK
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOXHdMcsDQ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YXGB7j5rM
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9COSS68UoZ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCQ4d561fP
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8IOdbdqjg
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoLdzds0tr
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYfSALTHBP
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5TOp1Pw18
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJwEhobTEZ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4MbpfwK9z
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc26G3kHoxO
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyu5pTAq8H
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Qxd4wK5Yu
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2tfzWmOEI
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvc55OncED
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpWVYLc6Uo
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhebwUxgJu
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUONrB7cqz
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1YediugaY
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYovqZKvubC
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVP3qELUUCa
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdtf4pRSCw
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLETWvND9a
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNS88KyiNZK
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HEGYLLjZA
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQDe26uscS
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZeOqdcxOd
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1Q2gTEm7u
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLQ6sY4Uh4
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWwuJfjahU
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseNiGAP1xm
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmym5of97Is
「鍾意你。」他說。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqzjYxjy7Q
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKbRR8uOyQ
「我都係。」她應。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMu4uCdiMUf
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qxVBq7wc0
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6Cnv5gVww
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIzxzc0g4IS
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PFQADldWW
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUt3GvpeOMN
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLzoXATFEH
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMzpVCVNJp
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTb41wsAxl
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATCV4QMoOh
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oWqvzs97y
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy64YCSMfqS
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIftaopSuB6
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EvGwtzQPy
二人過後做愛、入睡。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxwp978lnk
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ177sOfRDCa
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmIkYk9LqJ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcCWGYaDMF
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJllp4BCroM
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPTfrz5KEU
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSubSalzzHr
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHA5iVgcJT
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lEDqwxDsD
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXeaUsDZY4
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2qtwEAYuD
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmvNcgggXj
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaIL9P68ZP
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKzGdP3uFP
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKbp8mgm2s
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIgk6Lz0qp
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LeN7NH0EE
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV68Jyk6ehK
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJA05ebhE0f
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7AS59hLlM
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHU6uqphWMJ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCyuMkahK4
她糊糊塗塗。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu31i5AxoAR
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhyZMGixBF
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDvmUqHTyT
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNNIHMme8S
最怕空虛。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesNtsibzhp
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCz2dlhYUo
/349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iFPTS83EC
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdd6MPaTkaU
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XFrgmPS33
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLMPxewAPh
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknC5DPnB00
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNqnEUSdUD
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdqDYtXbIe
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vHjc7TRfn
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3rvMen6dT
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPDKJt6Wql
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQn6itq35AH
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNDFMVVaHv
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGBK1HWI7R
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBgrAtMfyB
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBauIXlAdN
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yzzWgupQ5
她不過在日常之中夢遊。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuXIiyLsdR
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTB6dMNBhE
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthwRrWKBhn
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuupTdvUqQ3
「上年12月開始。」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk84Pf1wXsI
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMotgypNZS
「頻率係？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1cjWiew7p
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUMPgX4dgm
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAQSV8q89O
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H5jLAiDdq
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx10Ka5lIHy
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZDiKWCPW6
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUmCRZE5Sm
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxikhmJLOhf
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYVSKyMn06
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tYcw94pD1
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvwjbpHpoD
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUlLxqFjzB
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnR4fxv42Y
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iqxjrlGY2
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrBZiFYNze
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAwOB93Ny4
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZJWEZw6jv
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kMuTx9WbW
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuSK2bH99J
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gmbiel1DA
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTF7PcKYLxi
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0fjLc0Bmi
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAYdO1rTqo
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQD54Vb5vQ
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uqkI8OdYw
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVf07YL5AfG
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W2dfKmTjK
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoC4D0P6jOj
連傾訴都不真誠。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDQ1tKYQyS
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFqzdDBlAm
不開心又不去死。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPh82R72tv
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ867Kkf8xWW
不去死又不改變。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOnu2QdgI8
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2AHS7c8b7
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjb0mcMhlYF
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bM2X6kG3t
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIjv0YKsKQ
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCg2DjYVaS
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5INiGvWVf
349Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1llo4eyKZ8
