在很久很久前,大概在中一的時候,林蓁喜歡過一個男生。130Please respect copyright.PENANAPLgAvnPx9l
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當時,她比廿一歲的自己還重四公斤,還戴黑框眼鏡,臉上還有一些痘痘。比起廿一歲,十二歲的她自然是不懂打扮。130Please respect copyright.PENANA3qobSKE65A
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那個男生,暫稱他為Y先生,是她的鄰座,平時二人會互相問功課,她文科好,他理科好,因此才打開話題。他和大部分男同學一樣,小息時也會圍在一角,通常玩BS卡,或者約放學後打LOL。130Please respect copyright.PENANAQkyPcBpW5w
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原本,二人一直不熟,林蓁對Y先生無感,畢竟她平常只和女生玩。130Please respect copyright.PENANAtK8RpAlA7U
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直到,第一次她月經來潮,當時在上課,她只感到下體濕濕的,站起來後,則被後桌的男同學大聲說:130Please respect copyright.PENANAiWWxeICoLN
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「你條裙有血!」130Please respect copyright.PENANAQWeeekC1qG
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白色的校裙上有一撻小小的跡,還未凝固結塊,像一朵剛開的花。然後,其他人也跟著起哄。130Please respect copyright.PENANAXKQvwfL6vY
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「大個女啦。」130Please respect copyright.PENANARg4RVjLF4a
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「哎吔,快啲坐返低。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAgrg9vE8E29
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「去廁所清理吓。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAP0Xxx6YOwZ
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她腦袋一片空白,無法反應,對於自己竟對月經不知所措——更加不知所措。她沒有郁動,等到Y先生脫下毛衣,圍在她腰上,遮住裙子。他拍一拍她,著她去洗手間。130Please respect copyright.PENANAjKrQ1ZvKXO
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自從這一次,她就感到自己好像喜歡了Y先生。130Please respect copyright.PENANAYVfDirO0ho
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當時心思單純,對一個人有意,就寫在臉上,明明晃晃,無遮無掩。Y先生的笑話不一定好笑,但她一定會笑,而且是盡力地笑,咧開嘴角便見不夠整齊的牙,還會嬌嬌地眉眼彎彎。130Please respect copyright.PENANAzp1RREPcwt
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早上,她先到校,便自願替他到儲物櫃拿當日要用的書。一年一度的社際運動比賽,她會買飲品、小食給他。總在製造偶遇機會,遲他幾秒出課室去洗手間,然後假裝在路上一同回程,碰見,傾多兩嘴。130Please respect copyright.PENANA6yhtESORY7
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好友說她的心意很明顯,她沒有說什麼,只是怯怯地睜大眼,再四處張望,確定身邊沒有人聽見這段對話。130Please respect copyright.PENANAjBOqPXv3lK
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終於,有一天,放學後,她知道Y先生會留在課室,便打算一起坐在座位上靜靜溫習。130Please respect copyright.PENANAdYZ31WyWYf
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但到她折返課室,聽見他和同學的對話——130Please respect copyright.PENANA84HCiNy4wU
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「林蓁係咪同你有路?好殷勤喎。」130Please respect copyright.PENANApE1VXTjYNr
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「咪係囉,又睇你比賽,又送水又送糧!」130Please respect copyright.PENANArUWFTXrIhl
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「仲有啲眼神好痴纏,一唔講嘢就笑住咁望你。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAoEWjQlcQLX
130Please respect copyright.PENANAnyXzKtte0F
「咦~實係有嘢啦。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAN26Q8UArqG
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她聽見,竟然有點開心。理論上,她在暗戀,可是愛一個人至世上無人知曉,卻是委屈的。她更加期待Y先生的反應。130Please respect copyright.PENANAItm0lRU990
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只聽見他說:130Please respect copyright.PENANAuBkIUugRZh
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「吓!咪玩啦,豬扒嚟,我先唔會鍾意佢。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAxnsxDWkMGd
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林蓁心下一沉。130Please respect copyright.PENANAObXVyE86mL
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「你哋幾親㗎喎。」同學說。130Please respect copyright.PENANAKc0krja6yU
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她又想,會不會是他口硬?130Please respect copyright.PENANAFYAhyYCOqK
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「佢係都要痴埋嚟咋嘛,呢啲豬閪,我鍾意佢就真係柒頭啦。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAa6IKOsWUBQ
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「哇!睇嚟你係柒頭!」同學說。130Please respect copyright.PENANARekFAMKjfS
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「咪再講,再聽到佢個名我要洗耳。戇鳩,我無可能鍾意佢,寧願打一世飛機。」130Please respect copyright.PENANACV6i5QYpRO
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「好過去自瀆啦。」同學說。130Please respect copyright.PENANAIeZwJaFoTv
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林蓁和那天月經來潮一樣,無法動彈,臉上也不能反應任何表情。130Please respect copyright.PENANAvuD3ZLm2VW
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最後,她站了一會兒,轉身離去。130Please respect copyright.PENANAJcuKJLMoYi
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翌日,林蓁確實去了買燈泡,但沒有回家。讓父親一人多留在家一天吧——彷彿是一種小小的報復,偏偏只懂得在這些小事上用力。130Please respect copyright.PENANAPtPmd6H7Eq
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她去見了周立沖。130Please respect copyright.PENANAmeOIWGVyWS
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一見面,他便說:「今晚不如我煮,你想食咩?」130Please respect copyright.PENANAQiNBXkI4oE
130Please respect copyright.PENANALX2OTMBh6N
三年前,二人一起,他也常常為她下廚。他這樣說,令她感到二人又回到從前戀愛時。不知道為何,世間男子千千萬,而她明知他不必然是良人,卻在他回來時洶湧澎湃,難以自控地傾瀉。130Please respect copyright.PENANAysiyN4J9jZ
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「無所謂。」130Please respect copyright.PENANA7ShMEDXosd
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她說「無所謂」,是真的無所謂,並非心裡還有其他盤算,希望別人猜中她未講的話語。畢竟她只需將食物放進口便能填飽肚子,有什麼好要求更多;何況,有人願意煮飯——她已經很久沒有吃過住家飯,對上一次,又是他煮。130Please respect copyright.PENANAul5V88ZMqE
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家裡沒有飯吃。130Please respect copyright.PENANAoaFyPlUp6U
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「都知你又會話無所謂,咁我話事啦。」130Please respect copyright.PENANATQphjSubal
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「你煮咩我都食。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAeVidhjkEC4
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「傻瓜。」130Please respect copyright.PENANA72qafg2myZ
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他摸摸她的頭。130Please respect copyright.PENANA1PHAtnbvAM
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每次,她都對他的溫柔心動,最初,還會不懂反應,但後來便習慣,臉色自如。能夠和他走到今天這一步,她還求什麼。130Please respect copyright.PENANAEBwaOgXrMI
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如果真的有辛苦的時候,也是她自尋的——130Please respect copyright.PENANA0nFwUa7vRC
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譬如,她是因為喜歡他,才會無法離開這段關係;但他不是,若然情傷已癒,哪需異性的溫柔。他若真的喜歡她,最初又怎會捨棄,或者,現在又怎會回來,由她療傷。可是,即使已有清晰認知,她總想到:反正,青春也是要浪費的,除了自身可以發展的事,感情上,不是花在這個人身上,就是另一個人,倒不如,在遇見更喜歡的人之前,將愛傾瀉到他身上。130Please respect copyright.PENANAni5ss4ID1k
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「快啲煮嘢啦,我好肚餓,嘻嘻。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAxJYbxukZaB
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「不如食咗我先。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAK99K7ZNiUW
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「唔要你,成身臭汗。」130Please respect copyright.PENANAU69OwHm8Yj
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可是她又要偽裝成,其實不是非他不可。130Please respect copyright.PENANA83vyuuYfxB
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愛時時談論「無論如何」,而她的便是:喜歡他,不過又允諾他隨時離開。130Please respect copyright.PENANA2prXQrgWgR
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她日夜恍神,反覆在腦海練習有一天,他會遇見愛人或是靈魂伴侶之類的東西,她故作鎮定地點點頭、應應嘴,又有一把畫外音著她好好管理顫抖的臉,不要露出濕潤的聲息。久而久之,她便以為,自己已被好好訓練過,可以接受悲痛的離散。連夢也時時出現他,再時時失落。130Please respect copyright.PENANAUIbgB3Nguy
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不過,幸好,現在他在。130Please respect copyright.PENANALUCDbS0naA
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心聲太吵鬧,她只能確保自己不要突然發瘋,苛求堅定地被愛。130Please respect copyright.PENANAPi0qnFVnhy