後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAdGlW4BRr
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1cTj666DH
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vlbaVupub
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEovOfRVejS
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iv9hQwa8Z
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHbdfmXrAU
／308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxnSTWrTRd
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEVgzup9pr
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnf0zOn6vkJ
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7b6XXbZ2N
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGk97IoVBL
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoou2GiowiF
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8b46uosok
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ceIzRIKkH
例如，暴食。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyWhsx44sf
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUb8LJcJ87
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxUg86w03H
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdIq4Wvr9s
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrUD0Lc6Dl
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRKmARNxrJ
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIR3kwiby26
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAmAf83t0q
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT79fjyaP5d
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fRKWSmaZa
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5usiindsrw
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKmeSiAWMM
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTdjMR4X01
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjZV9LE71L
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWut7PylsF7
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8LhfT0oka
「我想食嘢。」308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznHyZ0sepg
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydTazMz0hT
「洗多札提子畀你？」308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mqr12Durr
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEG9PaREFM
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeO7iWiw8i
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRcmnDXW2
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRog2Cpof60
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKm0WlzedXE
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAUXBwi90b
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEIPWSfG9p
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2mMlm2olg
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdjNssqWHb
可是他明明說她很好。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnvdgfm5St
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPSBQEeQiE
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8SXwFi9PJ
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKWThrge0w
可是他明明說她很特別。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeaf2uVzSG
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXGvh1rrTD
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE64yRlknKL
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4RLGG95aL
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRzFvSQxTw
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCK9XOT5ITP
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA03gFReoWU
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX405LzJraf
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6kqzo5OSf
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCG8BuveAS9
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi6RwcYovW
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcAY5YIP43
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcf16pHsvzc
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOsyxipHzw
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeSxIuMkQF
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKgaVM0hPR
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnpy5AVW5X
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERmlXppfEg
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPCI5cJYk0
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPohmb0WTgi
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhv0ND540tV
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtba9ws7LyR
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAApeGHgsQN
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJT8D7Iiaj7
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjjLGCJ3xP
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvsTVdW0Y9
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGIYWHURns
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zZioSHOkP
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhT75iOYBDY
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iyg6886dh
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPNKUBlLab
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQ3VuGbh5c
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJf4xf1QONp
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXpexeXigH
正常飲食幾天，又循環。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bDSXTNtlf
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sYBN3q6dk
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vjHoBV61P
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzK4JloSUFx
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf69ChyKmVF
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWs6Jbzy35
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xwfzR21hn
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOSChjkIFx
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4HqBT1e25
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOk27x6T6RA
不開心，怕被嫌棄。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAh1BEKPZ4g
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfJI9rAla6
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLs5RZ2ZT5o
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujyjjUYaEJ
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSnAf39fn1
308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJaST6WPVs
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。308Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpTSTv5kG6
