穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjEMyJSkAy
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzjXsCzXK6
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWJOSCmDAF
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetyvVruAti
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRiXVqAsh9
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCk5ajG0KR
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJUPCzvdEi
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3lMlacSGg
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0N2B5RdxS
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7QCq7ys0H
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xbQdXZ6D5
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJHY7cxbiX
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2ioMlHbWV
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEkjjMmGzk
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklcm26HHY4
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2olxpJkebb
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaggn02Daxq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEa1PEPPd7F
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98Aja3IJbD
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMsEpOgizr
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQ8sJ8VMdD
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiynn8n6kp4
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdsp2UoobH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oZQ5fQ8Oc
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYh8kDRhoA4
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVNyyNLIEc
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42DXgXWj04
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3tggkVV4e
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprN3Oeimeq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUG8sJF7bQv
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZBGwxyGEK
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODHpGbvdUQ
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡimQTFSwuPO
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFAPnM86Ad
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡin8qPmbx7Q
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFHqEViTft
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kWC92M8zZ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3Ot9Nb8so
「鍾意你。」他說。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOpbeHdPKY
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfApOqmZuIU
「我都係。」她應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1O4uw7PS1
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkrgsRxwiv
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OD2cWz3YR
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDoxKmh0tY
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8wKVQfQ9q
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ta2MAvxWV
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2jJjZQRjD
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1rF9RddFO
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMWkZcaFPR
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsedFwi0TC
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ktd35FYWv
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YDrxwtCZI
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxF4kq6GzB
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2XXyZJIKR
二人過後做愛、入睡。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTzfj4ybh8
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEPI5q9GLt
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9DHZwBRAi
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMqRlVFaS1
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDYnlmnVGZ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wOrxXbSW9
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5bgbOXuvy
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpvYIwkCYn
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbO4c0yVQ0
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBjHKKyrB9
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZRvu3ZUT9
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0U6uRbk4uc
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoIHEUGmRK
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuygFLyqTx
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIknlPvUCT
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVwJdCt4g2
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nMl0A1WLh
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZt7MUzxIrn
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53ZCmPVEU1
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoz2eXy6ARq
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqVQBUTh9A
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDzGvIGwrK
她糊糊塗塗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWskzzIWEwe
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmylrUoIScz
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMlbYm3hlXa
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxT4sShJQQ
最怕空虛。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFVTCAs7y0
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbMPkOCX3b
/400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEWHrC7amo
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7DYxyDlrR
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sLixGeH2j
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7v51Tsj7gw
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabYBsTNE8e
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7S7JAJAacw
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOHpfKKKZO
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3UrKlsyUH
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzZfmIG2om
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRikNDq04T
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHB94NMukK
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vn8XIDE0m
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRrAgYZABX
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Jj7AW9vJw
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXjrLw9FOF
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmaOo3ywvX
她不過在日常之中夢遊。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzm7ur3gqkt
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmK2S32RZE
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiYbI5PXul
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFMr4Abbsv
「上年12月開始。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmB8kkbGN7
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnujtLjQEw9
「頻率係？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkJCknHA2w
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGJIs1QN6W
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgffYeq5cI8
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfvSPiEaQW
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDV258ZSJd
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghUh6rHxBJ
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL94D48zL5L
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmuSPMpHI6
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwdq902aVT
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBXjXvF66Q
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiminLJ6zw
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMwol3noRr
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyaP6ekCHA
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxotWz39LUP
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcLiPP20J7
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkZeheYtml
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zhuiLuThO
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTVDoXreDj
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUrHzERKZj
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhib2Tabjhx
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLBZXbQP6J
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnP6n4xLGM
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7027OCH7C
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5wLAZW4tF
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Bbje0usYc
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEve1dZlN2
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu1JgPa2h7
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUR21MkHsv
連傾訴都不真誠。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYS1l07vmco
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ288OpfrxF9
不開心又不去死。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1JFaU11Qc
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx15ZFHzVXz
不去死又不改變。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2X9qvY3LC
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBeqNoJgFF
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC0iuzfdKT
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8bvEGEZuv
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3bdH017J2
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETnCCAc4Jm
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPm2fUq49E
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4n8qnrT1Id
