穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2M8JvbI2d
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIvW1zYw2Q
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvJPPeDOgJ
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXi35LeTcz
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwUAeHNmce
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYyDl6y0ty
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEPChie8KW
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOzmgJsltr
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnE0QZTOWjY
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QtvswjdI2
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNov98phGa2
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFENlyXHtqR
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBnyobWhMd
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72CIF7ckro
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqB61xbpTE
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFfcDSiTQn
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqW4PSPSey
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0iSZzmGl8
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGUjefAEN0
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfkjDGMEeX
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziPj5V1pPw
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynsUy19K0A
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKISXvRyiU7
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSL8xuWOJWh
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LATOAP6NJ
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JZnACTcFu
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuW9R2PfPjn
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWiJxQ7mqx
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuheReS7PZ
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8INxEoDSQ
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaQPk3nUMt
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uIw88fe4N
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcP2FcjNJQp
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MmaRP4AgR
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuArAT5cAZk
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwGGdFfgHn
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyjIuCxswL
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakOI4qf9vq
「鍾意你。」他說。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwruVzwzde
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwbpJ5TcO7
「我都係。」她應。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJAWTVtcPt
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEY8WKIe4B
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAArzXRQqG
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSgAEFsgmG
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qoU7QyDk2
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzWkG4G1RR
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqhFsR6gQo
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNUM4oKcjm
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCfVhGJxvF
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26NFYga6Qm
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xclGAUoGS
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gZSDlzdjS
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPNvj3v0MY
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4hBJkCEug
二人過後做愛、入睡。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeL40hQpLf2
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJZPzxNSU9
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV7hoCBNjL
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7g00pTYm3
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3sZ1ZRnda
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dFemUakUs
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOEDmQHkUp
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXt5JD9XYcd
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugX4R93ZbX
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRG2zzXjon
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVFWfjGPi2
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡert3qspCmo
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yApWOpeOc
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdDzBZ3wsT
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9nq3Q11do
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqCaeNqwjL
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzF41K4CR7z
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0FBoBPJQu
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6OEIXA9Y5
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmE99CEZ2ZD
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcinpnDzWm3
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiwZqXPOxH
她糊糊塗塗。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrm49ots0Wt
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsL1P1Sv8d
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡItd2cW4Vr7
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LAQJlWVXT
最怕空虛。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCf0PWNGuH
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9tapOoElR
/348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmKWHbcRRI
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCaiAlt3MmH
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VK3GvNNS6
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5aGuYNegz
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhn6miCxi7c
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcDZh9vHYG
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXctgJdNxIJ
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbASZ5d2leV
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcceilvGXBq
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxq4SXw1d5
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ11PyjJq7e
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RrcN32LKc
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1j1MaB8YWg
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiKzqXRjhm
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3U5hi6Hvyg
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVc2BWNq8j
她不過在日常之中夢遊。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNt0FYLmOHm
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNLiaNvCeJ
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhz4qHlgvG
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5Iw8RZlyd
「上年12月開始。」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5YsOkHjeK
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzPOWLoFDu
「頻率係？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7st2AZVCy
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetPkGz0KlI
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWZoHgPKqT
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhAQJfx0hO
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6czVB82Fu4
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMk7CNwFst
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynXLPCFAXC
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyI2dehW3Q
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTwNZaBjRW
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRpRgMGApd
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mUSSlaFIl
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94TkpB91U7
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNd00zI5BOe
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytPzIfqPUP
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0RcK1QKX0
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTC9PTCc6H
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9l8spfLkc
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJY1Qj5nZh
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSs1Sge1B1U
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmu3dm7bRQ7
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1IGd09ce3
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kKzEHsSdt
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeaYIXbvPk
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwAwrlskKx
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhU35YBQgik
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZRtsTG0bj
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6nOjcWQzz
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHUKkwdwym
連傾訴都不真誠。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3U3YNVPi2T
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPJZf99Pfh
不開心又不去死。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1goBtqPBMC
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpy3WyB9uJ
不去死又不改變。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZtYKzc0G2
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONctTWwKMN
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhx2VVW1Vw
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucd3QH2Lec
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyl9QOJ8ax
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYA8Vcxiqb4
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLw7EC56IWf
348Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJCyh9pxVA
