後來,林蓁回想舊事,喜歡Y先生時,其實已是中四。記憶再模糊,感受亦是真。124Please respect copyright.PENANAmF6EH2wp33
124Please respect copyright.PENANADVUbyEjHh2
她之所以傷心,除了因為他不喜歡自己,還因為那個熱心助人的同學,竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。124Please respect copyright.PENANA2lFt0tp0NR
124Please respect copyright.PENANAjUauNgBoWl
自此之後,她就沒有喜歡過男生。124Please respect copyright.PENANADOodUQTF5S
124Please respect copyright.PENANA7rwdx04srN
/124Please respect copyright.PENANA6IPGXs6VlD
124Please respect copyright.PENANAo1pThCkIBN
每次感到空虛時,林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。124Please respect copyright.PENANAmTtOlZtQg0
124Please respect copyright.PENANAmQbXNHLbkG
以食物填滿胃,以粉底液填滿毛孔,以男人的話語填滿口腔。124Please respect copyright.PENANAkd7AixRM4i
124Please respect copyright.PENANAStP6AxU3hC
她記得上次輔導員問,除了跑步,她還有沒有其他的方法,可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。124Please respect copyright.PENANApXMcXdPo8b
124Please respect copyright.PENANAYx4v7ej2ZU
例如,暴食。124Please respect copyright.PENANAElonrEv7RC
124Please respect copyright.PENANAVrS9jkC5yt
時時如此,只是,她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型,讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的,韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶,唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」,才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。124Please respect copyright.PENANAStdSOz9NFk
124Please respect copyright.PENANASAdO5haEeH
如果進食不健康的食物,是對身體的懲罰,那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體,折磨自己,抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。124Please respect copyright.PENANA0I6iZpyCVK
124Please respect copyright.PENANAjjfifl9avb
記得有一次,她留在周立沖處,聽他說很掛念A小姐。124Please respect copyright.PENANAoRflGoBg18
124Please respect copyright.PENANA2kSC8FUpkz
分手才兩星期,不過半個月,他若然思念,亦是正常。124Please respect copyright.PENANAYvOtOtXJd9
124Please respect copyright.PENANA22ihTodaEE
她無法感受自己的情緒,只是得體地應答。可是,隔了一會兒,她近乎哀求地問他:124Please respect copyright.PENANAjSUhpAt5QW
124Please respect copyright.PENANA29TqxpdnTD
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAqr5XCSRxWn
124Please respect copyright.PENANAFfOTJxuPSP
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎,你餓?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAUOXTxztQzU
124Please respect copyright.PENANAVBGmxkwJE3
「我想食嘢。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAE9SXA8Ptxv
124Please respect copyright.PENANACKKGcX3bJo
「洗多札提子畀你?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAvJPZmctIFH
124Please respect copyright.PENANA6X5d2cl4GF
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。124Please respect copyright.PENANAZg8ncgJWYj
124Please respect copyright.PENANAcdC4KXDmmn
「你今日做咩事?奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問,動身煮麵。124Please respect copyright.PENANAqG71Tz9CvY
124Please respect copyright.PENANAphZPVGFYSY
林蓁清楚,這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。124Please respect copyright.PENANAj4mmlZxk7q
124Please respect copyright.PENANApyhVEzrSz5
她陪在他身邊一整天,開心笑開心玩,熱鬧過後,他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到,自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容,其實不是,她啞言,佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮,還傷了自尊心。124Please respect copyright.PENANAmEPaj0hcq2
124Please respect copyright.PENANA9BSFpgIbUX
可是他明明說她很好。124Please respect copyright.PENANAxzguQQ5KTc
124Please respect copyright.PENANA8J6qfGXes4
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。124Please respect copyright.PENANAAFv1YxN3NT
124Please respect copyright.PENANAuf1rf1AuiQ
可是他明明說她很特別。124Please respect copyright.PENANAgw6yMC1mv2
124Please respect copyright.PENANAdjULf3dHwd
陷入苦戀,心知無法繼續前進,發展出更美麗姻緣,卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的,譬如與對方的回憶,譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚,現時的快樂會飛散,認知若是過分清晰,實在無法浪漫。124Please respect copyright.PENANAMA24GFGy3n
124Please respect copyright.PENANAFcqgdQpipb
可是在心底深處,她很想往後餘生也有他。124Please respect copyright.PENANAwHYYEIkSvQ
124Please respect copyright.PENANAoC0NHxWr5Z
因此她想要進食,彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。124Please respect copyright.PENANAFZqmq01eNV
124Please respect copyright.PENANAIAg13F99A4
「好食!」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈,和周立沖歡快地聊天。124Please respect copyright.PENANAhN3C8iVZpP
124Please respect copyright.PENANAXeG8frFRSr
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他,她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後,他轉而主動親吻她的臉。124Please respect copyright.PENANAyncYmfrRaP
124Please respect copyright.PENANA6b8a4uSufL
呵,這樣的二人,竟然不是親密愛侶。124Please respect copyright.PENANAgcbZM9UVpy
124Please respect copyright.PENANAASfq160isX
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述,彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而,在旁人眼中,其實她並無特別的行徑,僅僅是,無緣無故便吃很多東西(而且,多數獨自躲起來吃)。124Please respect copyright.PENANASUUkvTaEK1
124Please respect copyright.PENANA392GHQsOhU
不要怕我,其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。124Please respect copyright.PENANAM6lC1DQwHr
124Please respect copyright.PENANAdrEBgSHwYB
「食多餐都好啦,你咁瘦。」124Please respect copyright.PENANArckckmPAU9
124Please respect copyright.PENANAs4K1SMoi3Y
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙,但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少,比起三年前,雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗,但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。124Please respect copyright.PENANAt6Gr6fIlP1
124Please respect copyright.PENANAqCvp2ZqkGV
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。124Please respect copyright.PENANAERP2R6Xa0R
124Please respect copyright.PENANA8qdAPQfB1R
一直以來,她的身型沒有太大浮動,包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。124Please respect copyright.PENANALSuQ2jcCxz
124Please respect copyright.PENANA1bkjNRNm45
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來,不是因為肚餓,只是覺得「想食嘢」,於是便泡個杯麵,配搭檸檬茶,隨手拾起薯片及曲奇,又吃芋圓,直至盡興。吃完後,只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多,強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉,更加難受。124Please respect copyright.PENANAt21idrFP1f
124Please respect copyright.PENANA60QIdeUyVi
持續幾天,忽然又想:我唔想變肥,唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。124Please respect copyright.PENANAyi9nI8P6yh
124Please respect copyright.PENANAiGJJNXRcYk
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮,更見於年輕一代,是否、是否。124Please respect copyright.PENANA68n9C0SX9d
124Please respect copyright.PENANAEPNzAvAySY
因此,便又連續幾天吃少少,反正沒有人管她吃什麼,一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午,亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同,但同樣是腹部位置作崇,前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入,後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。124Please respect copyright.PENANAB6xT5fklta
124Please respect copyright.PENANA9Vu0YdMpC3
正常飲食幾天,又循環。124Please respect copyright.PENANAYzOgs8eC5v
124Please respect copyright.PENANApTBCbfILd1
在周立沖處留宿,其實已改善很多,畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物,而他總叫她不要吃太少,否則沒有能量,三餐也足。124Please respect copyright.PENANA6OUJ7l618x
124Please respect copyright.PENANAgAjvcISOWm
最重要的是,她不想被任何人發現,自己的身心漸漸不健康起來,要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。124Please respect copyright.PENANAaQf9CWvUwM
124Please respect copyright.PENANAS17PnWikB5
其實她漸漸認清,除了這些那些細碎的不幸,令她病的,還有自尊心。124Please respect copyright.PENANAB2edOrXZsa
124Please respect copyright.PENANAVerR8oQiZS
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴,以孱弱身軀保護她,不想讓人知道內在殘破。124Please respect copyright.PENANAjouI5lNVFW
124Please respect copyright.PENANAOK4tAIsDK3
不開心,怕被嫌棄。124Please respect copyright.PENANAO4RVhfHBiI
124Please respect copyright.PENANAus4eF3jcM4
過往被家暴,怕兒時經歷影響自身太多,才壓抑,意圖說一切早就過去。124Please respect copyright.PENANAc6Fjj1XWzv
124Please respect copyright.PENANAQXmFKNlmx7
陷入痛苦的關係,怕被質疑批判。124Please respect copyright.PENANAAlnCJEGYHu
124Please respect copyright.PENANA00ebTeuMtb
沒有洩漏出去的聲音,在她心頭響鬧得很,變成鋒利的刀刃,刮在脆弱的皮膚上,鮮血直流,淹沒她。124Please respect copyright.PENANAaMI54rgt9A