大學一年級時,林蓁𠝹過手。125Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8sIrKayzF
125Please respect copyright.PENANAw1qUYaQpGO
位置不是最常見的脈博處,那些分明的血管使她清晰感知生命的跳動,她不是想死,並未下定決心憑著將皮膚割開、鮮血噴湧失去呼吸。125Please respect copyright.PENANA2uIAZGrYU1
125Please respect copyright.PENANAUBhewY7qvJ
她只是,除了將身體的疼痛放到最大以外,就不知道怎樣才能緩解突如其來侵襲的負面情緒。125Please respect copyright.PENANAeMSCalDopq
125Please respect copyright.PENANAmicHUGFIp1
她會把𠝹刀橫在二頭肌位置,然後劃下去,皮膚並無明顯裂開,僅僅流出血——這個形容未免太輕巧,她的意思是,想比起皮膚分離的刺激,劃下去後只得血不斷湧現,快速、急進地湛落,像打開了一罐有氣的飲品,那樣一發不可收拾。125Please respect copyright.PENANAL4YEuUayAy
125Please respect copyright.PENANA7fMkUpaBrx
真正令她感到刺激,或是心潮澎湃的是,𠝹下去前一刻。125Please respect copyright.PENANAcNwkI1cYBw
125Please respect copyright.PENANAPoiUJxvsLP
多數猶豫不決,置刀子於皮膚上,一動不動,深呼吸,一時怕痛,一時怕別人看見,一時怕痛了以後別人看不見,最怕原來𠝹了,感覺也不外如是。125Please respect copyright.PENANAeOXG4UEhMS
125Please respect copyright.PENANAebDYIMBWWp
心跳加速,怦怦怦怦怦地跳,不是浪漫的氣氛,但有越來越熱的身烘托。125Please respect copyright.PENANAfrvJTYF40I
125Please respect copyright.PENANAPrhYgqbK38
就這樣發了好久呆,終於下定決心,卻依然是細細力,劃出淺淺的痕,當然也有血,只是僅似被鋒利的紙擦過,如同漫不經心。這樣的痕跡是最多的,像一種車子出發前的蓄力,轟轟轟,最後才敢用力前進,一鼓作氣插穿路面。125Please respect copyright.PENANABDlaR12nBV
125Please respect copyright.PENANAsfqJgxKZRC
因此手臂有很多窄窄的紅,最後,才有一條明顯的疤,像蟲子和小蟲子,不斷來回爬行,蠶食完好的皮膚。125Please respect copyright.PENANAy17RL98zYY
125Please respect copyright.PENANATO5NfPRnFM
選在二頭肌,而非前臂,也是因為只要穿袖子稍長的衣服,便可遮住所有劃痕。125Please respect copyright.PENANA0NzKwmMIat
125Please respect copyright.PENANA8yv2fzTE8c
她害怕被看見,若要解釋,又不知從何說起,由𠝹刀的製作開始描述?或是從她生命的誕生提起呢。敍事,從來都是困難的,尤其是在起頭時,已讓人預設:大概是很不開心才會自殘吧!那麼,她的形容必須符合他人預期,否則又會被批判。125Please respect copyright.PENANAPo9scb6xsv
125Please respect copyright.PENANARE5EnMTSlt
她不願被批判。125Please respect copyright.PENANAP4rS1z1uOB
125Please respect copyright.PENANAjLdtfKM3Fs
//125Please respect copyright.PENANA5ep0VOW1en
125Please respect copyright.PENANAtg3yQ4uU9J
見輔導的以前和以後,林蓁只是覺得,因著藥物影響,似乎睡得更好,可是,亦未見其效。125Please respect copyright.PENANAQHWaA1plp1
125Please respect copyright.PENANAohbEg8hB45
她依然常常發呆,翻來覆去地陷入抑鬱。125Please respect copyright.PENANAG6Qu6oWmAB
125Please respect copyright.PENANAFeXTSKYY7y
在大學,她唸心理學,也上過輔導課,自知不是聊幾次天就有大突破。畢竟過去原是那樣厚,逐一拆解也要時間。125Please respect copyright.PENANAXPbg1zEnRA
125Please respect copyright.PENANAcy7OJENEwP
說來慚愧,她生活如常。125Please respect copyright.PENANAZjHvUG8pmJ
125Please respect copyright.PENANAShqYCV7JUo
在交好所有功課後,她只等待大學派發分數,然後,就畢業了。再沒有慣常日程追趕,竟使她好空虛。125Please respect copyright.PENANAEma579pJvZ
125Please respect copyright.PENANAm9vzDtuWjw
為了讓履歷表看起來豐富一點(真的出於這功利原因),她申請了功課輔導班的兼職,已做了一段時間。她和學校有緣——即使未曾想過未來會在學校工作,但大學四年,時時被母校叫回去做導師,教過初中中文和高中文學,發現自己真的不適合做教育。125Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ap4PDolO2
125Please respect copyright.PENANA5x0ugRrPp6
傳授知識,若是不只將課文和筆記讀一遍,而是真的要讓原本不懂的人,明白內容,理解概念,並不容易——她覺得吃力,不欲再做。125Please respect copyright.PENANA2JJrnJ2yKS
125Please respect copyright.PENANAY5D0ylsYzt
功課輔導班是相對輕鬆,全因只需管理秩序,還有教授功課內容。雖然,上到大學,她就取不到很好的成績,但是,小學程度的課業,還是勉強可以應付。125Please respect copyright.PENANAJdozkl2pi4
125Please respect copyright.PENANAfwOzExCG0o
逢星期一、三、五下午,她便會到小學兼職。125Please respect copyright.PENANAbhTaqleElH
125Please respect copyright.PENANAx8AtFV6ihi
說來巧合,地區便利之故,公司將她編排到母校。結果,距離畢業近十載,期間只有一次回去小學的她,又重新到學校。位置離家甚近,十年前,她畢業後,學校外牆馬上大翻新,其時學校因換了校長而新人事、新作風,結果她熟悉的老師都走了一輪,才使如沒有再回去。125Please respect copyright.PENANAd2P74eeT8j
125Please respect copyright.PENANAhh5FYSJhQm
再到學校,只覺歲月如梭,誰都捉不緊那無聲無息流走的到底是什麼。125Please respect copyright.PENANA4t6KTLU91r
125Please respect copyright.PENANAGS3Gkn89rR
有老師認得林蓁——125Please respect copyright.PENANAH3N3wlPm6J
125Please respect copyright.PENANA2GmYNmonex
她是一個怎樣的學生呢?125Please respect copyright.PENANAZnGcoykzV9
125Please respect copyright.PENANAhbXLpsCncl
讀書時期,一直規行矩步,品學兼優,但因生性文靜、沉悶之故,而不多出風頭,每年取操行獎、服務獎,但也不算受歡迎。她就是這種常見的學生。125Please respect copyright.PENANA151X7KWvYI
125Please respect copyright.PENANA4rQXO3PsHY
「林——蓁?你返嚟探老師?」125Please respect copyright.PENANALj70J4jBBX
125Please respect copyright.PENANABkUyT0iUV1
「我做功輔班啊。」她指指手上的功課袋。125Please respect copyright.PENANALsNCvwtxTZ
125Please respect copyright.PENANAkkwZBZNGAf
老師又往教員室裡叫喚,結果幾個老師都出來了,全都認得她。看來,歲月沒有令她變化太大,樣子氣質身型,統統在隔開十年仍能辨認的程度,也不知是否應該開心。125Please respect copyright.PENANAdpUFfSFbMF
125Please respect copyright.PENANAbP8euNu7Xj
她的小學生涯,其實沒什麼特別事。125Please respect copyright.PENANAHCzjpHJw0T
125Please respect copyright.PENANAs4QftvtlXu
「咁乖嘅,返嚟做嘢。」125Please respect copyright.PENANArj6hXSyniX
125Please respect copyright.PENANAM9w6AZDMJM
「係囉,林蓁嗰屆啲學生都好叻。」125Please respect copyright.PENANAbqkALl9k26
125Please respect copyright.PENANADutGoSxMrx
「我印象深刻,你畫畫還好,但每次都好努力畫,哈哈哈。」125Please respect copyright.PENANAczX8dnqbAj
125Please respect copyright.PENANAeEl7lKZgca
「我係幾時教過你?」125Please respect copyright.PENANAgCBNyvYr6O
125Please respect copyright.PENANAFjvtINqXuv
「啲學生難唔難湊啊,功輔班啲學生都嘈一啲。」125Please respect copyright.PENANA5hUhAFsxMX
125Please respect copyright.PENANA4nuBDDHFXV
「哇,你哋過幾年之後,學校無埋笛隊啦。125Please respect copyright.PENANAmKZCWs82C2
125Please respect copyright.PENANAmZtquT0qNu
「蓁蓁真係特別乖啊,你之後仲有無玩廣播劇同跳舞?」125Please respect copyright.PENANA1rDktS2pMZ
125Please respect copyright.PENANAs40KqtZOfm
老師們竟然還記得她。多可怕,一班三十餘人,一個老師教三、四班,已過十年,仍可清晰說出她的名字,連同那些他們帶領過的活動。125Please respect copyright.PENANA4DrqKVFBfR
125Please respect copyright.PENANAvTNMfiJrzL
林蓁連忙陪笑,逐一回答問題,藉著打鐘的間隙失陪。125Please respect copyright.PENANAbFxN6S7Sd7