幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
139Please respect copyright.PENANA5EBfDpsgGS
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAg20cfRxtpx
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
139Please respect copyright.PENANA8yUQIe4Pxr
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAK3RaDQNSHp
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAUcrTJs4r2z
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAzmHJ5d4kHw
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAZNFx7TmXD6
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。139Please respect copyright.PENANAh8KzwsU4lk
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世界觀:139Please respect copyright.PENANAxYpFeaxMbi
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本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
139Please respect copyright.PENANA5rLncXft4g
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAdlQYhwrpm6
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYqrCulgr3y
139Please respect copyright.PENANA26KYEKSl24
劇情細節的提醒:139Please respect copyright.PENANAhERkHec7CI
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a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:139Please respect copyright.PENANAHtqrLu5GBF
139Please respect copyright.PENANArfxfm1Jj6E
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。139Please respect copyright.PENANArkBtAholJi
139Please respect copyright.PENANAMpUiLyFUZQ
參考網站:139Please respect copyright.PENANACVOrtz8Q7C
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html139Please respect copyright.PENANA7N7MR8g0JY
139Please respect copyright.PENANABRuwaROyjZ
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b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。139Please respect copyright.PENANAw4F4Dqwr2D
139Please respect copyright.PENANAQEuqXHel90
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。139Please respect copyright.PENANAcvpj7knoZm
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c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。139Please respect copyright.PENANAAsHf7tCkij
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角色:139Please respect copyright.PENANArC1PyGbH10
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:139Please respect copyright.PENANAQgoidbHKqK
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主角:俊明
139Please respect copyright.PENANAnwzWpBaXwF
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)139Please respect copyright.PENANAeMcOzhbf3Z
139Please respect copyright.PENANAsCIvoqDNHd
主角現狀:遭人排擠
139Please respect copyright.PENANAhLWEsMeEuD
奉翊:139Please respect copyright.PENANASOKgAjWwTs
不擅長飛行。139Please respect copyright.PENANA3bJzJKRl1W
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。139Please respect copyright.PENANAOCR7AJYLwU
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139Please respect copyright.PENANA49zNZLF5H4
139Please respect copyright.PENANAOGFd3DB20K
對於角色整體的感想:139Please respect copyright.PENANAULSGBFFdTO
139Please respect copyright.PENANAnPwhVbUQgF
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。139Please respect copyright.PENANA0YWV9JLf40
139Please respect copyright.PENANAFwaLB3qlZM
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。139Please respect copyright.PENANAuHDSHFce3x
139Please respect copyright.PENANAM2TjAMC6YF
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:139Please respect copyright.PENANA0Mx5mF732Q
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原作:139Please respect copyright.PENANAVNKTBEnz1j
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俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388139Please respect copyright.PENANAqMKThE2mdD
139Please respect copyright.PENANA8jNplPZBCa
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)139Please respect copyright.PENANA377BMfsgRZ
139Please respect copyright.PENANAvyDAxphqc6
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):139Please respect copyright.PENANAoi95yJioVW
139Please respect copyright.PENANAcMLX703siJ
調整後:139Please respect copyright.PENANAHAA2XOLUuy
139Please respect copyright.PENANAgcxyycELkg
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。139Please respect copyright.PENANANnRUWrjb5p
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYEgvRDdoBK
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。139Please respect copyright.PENANAfxstb8Ji7L
139Please respect copyright.PENANAqYMSX5mFwZ
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。139Please respect copyright.PENANA1VPdaObFJy
139Please respect copyright.PENANAtkVXJTXdi1
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」139Please respect copyright.PENANArP3mDGLtfm
139Please respect copyright.PENANAsV1zHJ6PyO
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。139Please respect copyright.PENANAvAqCLtRdog
139Please respect copyright.PENANAk0H8NmWFmQ
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:139Please respect copyright.PENANAagURHF0STl
139Please respect copyright.PENANAl59PMSMKUn
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAJKzmiyoAB3
139Please respect copyright.PENANA1IVLjEeKBY
查喀比茲?那是什麼?139Please respect copyright.PENANAnsNGry8t76
139Please respect copyright.PENANAoY71V2R2V4
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:139Please respect copyright.PENANAGo7rpI2z2k
139Please respect copyright.PENANAaXsXbQqO5L
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」139Please respect copyright.PENANAR94wK4yZOs
139Please respect copyright.PENANA2IOJvCb5GP
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。139Please respect copyright.PENANAXgInEyLNkH
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYOXeysBT67
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAmGS36kWa0z
139Please respect copyright.PENANAGn7t9b0tkX
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。139Please respect copyright.PENANA9hARPKb7ur
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他進一步解釋道:139Please respect copyright.PENANAB3Izji1rVV
139Please respect copyright.PENANA4CTTVVBx89
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」139Please respect copyright.PENANA1FWGxWTZPQ
139Please respect copyright.PENANAelV3pKXFgW
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:139Please respect copyright.PENANA5PlqrHyTPP
139Please respect copyright.PENANASV7Pr34q6O
「查詢,查喀比茲。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAxr4flgtTDh
139Please respect copyright.PENANAbsSGPuYA11
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。139Please respect copyright.PENANAlHBWsy5aRq
139Please respect copyright.PENANAgZpFkIqH6V
「──查無此項結果。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAvUymxtEAJX
139Please respect copyright.PENANAgJQ9FPeSnq
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。139Please respect copyright.PENANAYPUnZ4bgUt
139Please respect copyright.PENANAWFH9KrUPDX
「啊啊!」139Please respect copyright.PENANAXjpzQq23Of
139Please respect copyright.PENANAN6fz06ifEe
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。139Please respect copyright.PENANAPbbwgvGx3v
139Please respect copyright.PENANA7sTjEWSZfi
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAJpM5gllnBZ
139Please respect copyright.PENANANN4iOEM7RQ
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:139Please respect copyright.PENANAZwKDnJiC0D
139Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2eU1mi3rS
查喀比茲。139Please respect copyright.PENANAEkWMjadPlz
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給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。139Please respect copyright.PENANAihYHzYijnc
139Please respect copyright.PENANAlhVOOQ9n0N
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。139Please respect copyright.PENANAgSfREkhZxl
139Please respect copyright.PENANAXCXcNSWpHD
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:139Please respect copyright.PENANABvz5r43LRT
139Please respect copyright.PENANAIy35x8KKGl
「你、你、你……該不會──」139Please respect copyright.PENANAGyl2q0tFkh
139Please respect copyright.PENANALAOuV0gEJD
「沒錯,我就是──」139Please respect copyright.PENANABKxJ5SLpRS
139Please respect copyright.PENANAsyesJUrD4Z
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:139Please respect copyright.PENANAiY78x6m84R
139Please respect copyright.PENANA7EwFzvUWPG
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」139Please respect copyright.PENANAsC4if1RIXq
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYTNYitVQN3
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:139Please respect copyright.PENANA0n9muq06wo
139Please respect copyright.PENANAGarW60LvKC
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAIXJLiVWlLH
139Please respect copyright.PENANAfeeA85dBu4
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。139Please respect copyright.PENANAbICcRl2pUo
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俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:139Please respect copyright.PENANAdf6MfKOR47
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYfjeh5p1DH
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」139Please respect copyright.PENANAX4fAG3zEF9
139Please respect copyright.PENANASkxVv0cJh0
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。139Please respect copyright.PENANAEK23HoLZc7
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。139Please respect copyright.PENANA0Gr8RoqvgK
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主線劇情:139Please respect copyright.PENANANITvOpLFLw
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。139Please respect copyright.PENANABIB6Hp6pNp
139Please respect copyright.PENANABOCU2uegbG
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。139Please respect copyright.PENANA89v2B1ptwW
139Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7kNgixzvT
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。139Please respect copyright.PENANAg4pAv5oMwH
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而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:139Please respect copyright.PENANA3C3N7TV34W
139Please respect copyright.PENANAth1wr6xITZ
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)139Please respect copyright.PENANAG6K0TyR3md
139Please respect copyright.PENANAdmeq7BenVG
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)139Please respect copyright.PENANAgkqlVFWm3T
139Please respect copyright.PENANATmjOHgIcT8
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)139Please respect copyright.PENANA9pKLLFh7l0
139Please respect copyright.PENANAaSgBaoBcDR
139Please respect copyright.PENANAxZVYKVuBN2
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。139Please respect copyright.PENANAsuACyN5BmS
139Please respect copyright.PENANAIRlhEuclQN
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:139Please respect copyright.PENANAa8yfFFZvlX
139Please respect copyright.PENANAevAE1H4mtl
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。139Please respect copyright.PENANAoonUmrqaCm
139Please respect copyright.PENANAHbcMOUksl3
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。139Please respect copyright.PENANAfpjWUmtrGQ
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那麼差不多是這樣。139Please respect copyright.PENANAXXR75a4Epd
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139Please respect copyright.PENANAKb9Y2oEcfH
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。139Please respect copyright.PENANAz3YScz7yrG
139Please respect copyright.PENANAD8sMo0T5Kq
總之加油吧。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAugMxGe1rL9
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAAE7UkBXUq7
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAd6jy0s2KpD
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
139Please respect copyright.PENANAYeCy58CJ7S
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
139Please respect copyright.PENANAEVSb3XYxjY
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。139Please respect copyright.PENANAr1wZvvr0F1
139Please respect copyright.PENANAjSB6OiDt5D
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」139Please respect copyright.PENANAaV56UuQV6q
139Please respect copyright.PENANAW5W4ZPYktH
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。139Please respect copyright.PENANAit6hB0rd2x
139Please respect copyright.PENANAVUWQ4kL1Qr
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:139Please respect copyright.PENANAVj8eoW9pKA
139Please respect copyright.PENANADRNWPpmLZw
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」139Please respect copyright.PENANAhEMCTCgFxE
139Please respect copyright.PENANArfHRZFrWcq
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
139Please respect copyright.PENANA9ow9kmdhnC
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
139Please respect copyright.PENANA6YFiqCNJzy
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
139Please respect copyright.PENANAiRTx4QQBry
主角:俊明139Please respect copyright.PENANAdQOeYYZuOW
139Please respect copyright.PENANAJeRCIsSX95
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)139Please respect copyright.PENANAzs9p9DY8RV
139Please respect copyright.PENANAgnAkhtJ50n
139Please respect copyright.PENANAIs7iVAnZcs
主角現狀:遭人排擠139Please respect copyright.PENANAsIKHph0FgZ
139Please respect copyright.PENANAgJdzhsVgX3
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。139Please respect copyright.PENANAKdiVOhBaN4
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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