幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
396Please respect copyright.PENANASqIIZsgDzw
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAp2EycThjaM
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
396Please respect copyright.PENANADAG8Tc93Bn
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAwVtW8d44LJ
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAfo9dUYfLp
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAtod9EBHsFZ
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
396Please respect copyright.PENANASfY17LalXP
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。396Please respect copyright.PENANAbiMMmLkFWK
396Please respect copyright.PENANAsxX4ggpSZT
396Please respect copyright.PENANAktAXtH32nz
396Please respect copyright.PENANAInKZEfMGTk
世界觀:396Please respect copyright.PENANAr0ILLLpHRb
396Please respect copyright.PENANAXIVctZIssf
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAGV94b3QdMz
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAH99qLF9xk2
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAeAd45doBuw
396Please respect copyright.PENANAi9wav41AEl
劇情細節的提醒:396Please respect copyright.PENANAZbGt28XL61
396Please respect copyright.PENANApWnpo5aLh9
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:396Please respect copyright.PENANA8b6ApyY3lr
396Please respect copyright.PENANAIwVG4h087F
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。396Please respect copyright.PENANAmmF2bN5WZv
396Please respect copyright.PENANApBVIC19dZk
參考網站:396Please respect copyright.PENANApuYidPhtwU
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html396Please respect copyright.PENANAuk00QBZX0E
396Please respect copyright.PENANAeNgfnj1nl7
396Please respect copyright.PENANAN5BzikdGij
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。396Please respect copyright.PENANATXH1ywpzjG
396Please respect copyright.PENANA66E02ZHjIe
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。396Please respect copyright.PENANA5Pl7dfXRe5
396Please respect copyright.PENANAae4Gzx8KwD
396Please respect copyright.PENANA7aPbZul5re
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。396Please respect copyright.PENANAdT6T9tiz0E
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAG49QjDism
396Please respect copyright.PENANAyfqcdmWcjA
角色:396Please respect copyright.PENANAOYyWK6Th9H
396Please respect copyright.PENANAO6YYZcon6a
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:396Please respect copyright.PENANAFPaiZSmMX7
396Please respect copyright.PENANAeBsujRIavp
主角:俊明
396Please respect copyright.PENANA5WFztdXM2Y
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)396Please respect copyright.PENANApOtlyLpDTY
396Please respect copyright.PENANA4CLIEatQpT
主角現狀:遭人排擠
396Please respect copyright.PENANAdL61jlPlsw
奉翊:396Please respect copyright.PENANAtDOatkI6Aa
不擅長飛行。396Please respect copyright.PENANAFrzNbp9ho3
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。396Please respect copyright.PENANAl7nZHgtWpS
396Please respect copyright.PENANAG5I9ssDn1k
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAyIZ5BV4DS
396Please respect copyright.PENANAfo6wqejQnq
對於角色整體的感想:396Please respect copyright.PENANATIihRk0gjx
396Please respect copyright.PENANAGEcBfNTukd
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。396Please respect copyright.PENANArxoHtg1kIr
396Please respect copyright.PENANACg2QQO5SMF
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。396Please respect copyright.PENANAcBphEKBiBq
396Please respect copyright.PENANA96udGHEFAe
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:396Please respect copyright.PENANA1fQqClaGgx
396Please respect copyright.PENANAJOwhRuCHnB
原作:396Please respect copyright.PENANAVooOGO1ZYn
396Please respect copyright.PENANA242jYrQrg4
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388396Please respect copyright.PENANAEU20pln8fp
396Please respect copyright.PENANAeLVQAdtTxi
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)396Please respect copyright.PENANATLafgMgGg4
396Please respect copyright.PENANAuqyKE8tYhk
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):396Please respect copyright.PENANAupF0o82v26
396Please respect copyright.PENANAZx18Ud8ED0
調整後:396Please respect copyright.PENANAzawJFmTFDm
396Please respect copyright.PENANAGl3FMrKYdT
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。396Please respect copyright.PENANA9TvEx9zeMK
396Please respect copyright.PENANArLpkwHkeW3
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。396Please respect copyright.PENANAxUx2c7O6b3
396Please respect copyright.PENANAuFRORYIZhR
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。396Please respect copyright.PENANARZFWP80l6g
396Please respect copyright.PENANA2uAZ0E8xht
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」396Please respect copyright.PENANAhwdZJrkf4l
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAQiFbs1JKL
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。396Please respect copyright.PENANAXz55Yab03E
396Please respect copyright.PENANAx9Zq1oklfk
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:396Please respect copyright.PENANA9pxbX0Ybmi
396Please respect copyright.PENANAzCrtpPkuyG
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAnxQsPQeIuc
396Please respect copyright.PENANAHz31ifo1n9
查喀比茲?那是什麼?396Please respect copyright.PENANAeUlm5GSFEr
396Please respect copyright.PENANA0gxWmfOrOc
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:396Please respect copyright.PENANAp7DPneKdvm
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAIGWjJqccH
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」396Please respect copyright.PENANA3OTk1xbG8y
396Please respect copyright.PENANAcAgmhtrgr5
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。396Please respect copyright.PENANAYkjAip9lFZ
396Please respect copyright.PENANAk455ramx7O
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAGs5493jpwM
396Please respect copyright.PENANALDAVKHbnfa
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。396Please respect copyright.PENANA7N0pkFKcnD
396Please respect copyright.PENANA2SxGZsWlxJ
他進一步解釋道:396Please respect copyright.PENANArbBvJMMfd4
396Please respect copyright.PENANA9qfHJiphhG
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」396Please respect copyright.PENANA1rMMJpEiMF
396Please respect copyright.PENANAcD5NQMvoBr
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:396Please respect copyright.PENANAFt1ALKGfN5
396Please respect copyright.PENANAleOV6aWDb3
「查詢,查喀比茲。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAnVz32jzNSC
396Please respect copyright.PENANARLmm1Ca7ri
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。396Please respect copyright.PENANAx41EIsbmSP
396Please respect copyright.PENANAoQpqDZqiro
「──查無此項結果。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAB0TlpCVqQL
396Please respect copyright.PENANApXtC5QmMpN
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。396Please respect copyright.PENANAq9popYyvCc
396Please respect copyright.PENANABr4tpZtkwi
「啊啊!」396Please respect copyright.PENANA54WF3m1YEg
396Please respect copyright.PENANAd7fYtnrSVR
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。396Please respect copyright.PENANAbK0ujquAIZ
396Please respect copyright.PENANAljyXC6PHU7
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」396Please respect copyright.PENANA0qgic6mfH2
396Please respect copyright.PENANAgRZH1KqGCg
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:396Please respect copyright.PENANAd3MZ0Ksu11
396Please respect copyright.PENANAM8e8kYczOp
查喀比茲。396Please respect copyright.PENANAGvSPjhaiwg
396Please respect copyright.PENANAYEoXBBIBT6
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。396Please respect copyright.PENANARipESzdXRM
396Please respect copyright.PENANAKUTfhOc6MU
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。396Please respect copyright.PENANAAyI1k256gw
396Please respect copyright.PENANAoABjQsFwOp
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:396Please respect copyright.PENANACvHOPpG26o
396Please respect copyright.PENANAo8P9PMCf0l
「你、你、你……該不會──」396Please respect copyright.PENANAULRmfwY95k
396Please respect copyright.PENANA9EZyWFPF9n
「沒錯,我就是──」396Please respect copyright.PENANAxvhT5NT6aa
396Please respect copyright.PENANAvp3tg3p5N4
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:396Please respect copyright.PENANAbMRP8OY5ZZ
396Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZumtbuB7I
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」396Please respect copyright.PENANAdXocvoLWR1
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAbl1jA7bF4
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:396Please respect copyright.PENANAhLWyDH8Ya8
396Please respect copyright.PENANAAkMnws2Ya6
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAyHgoQpBHb7
396Please respect copyright.PENANANN5MuXYkEM
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。396Please respect copyright.PENANAV9vZ6IOHbj
396Please respect copyright.PENANAGe8Mt81NQS
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:396Please respect copyright.PENANAIoBr4ohTHw
396Please respect copyright.PENANAXrSXaYL5ZT
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」396Please respect copyright.PENANACpLa7sicsf
396Please respect copyright.PENANAyGrZZIcduD
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。396Please respect copyright.PENANAu7dbb9UW3Z
396Please respect copyright.PENANAeO4ATwRqzH
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。396Please respect copyright.PENANAYOPIQYVWZ0
396Please respect copyright.PENANASKnwBnBWzO
主線劇情:396Please respect copyright.PENANAL7tHNRUj0Q
396Please respect copyright.PENANATHhZSMF7C4
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。396Please respect copyright.PENANAghYFWD3BkU
396Please respect copyright.PENANAPhfMsdQBqN
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。396Please respect copyright.PENANA9IbE9j79I0
396Please respect copyright.PENANABHBgomau63
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。396Please respect copyright.PENANAzlFy5TQTMq
396Please respect copyright.PENANASDCmaxqQ03
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:396Please respect copyright.PENANAqNlWWXKmXd
396Please respect copyright.PENANAKF7ApoLJmZ
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)396Please respect copyright.PENANASejlydmwQQ
396Please respect copyright.PENANAOqDZDGSQ61
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)396Please respect copyright.PENANAvJmXri4CH0
396Please respect copyright.PENANAB0efpdZQUn
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)396Please respect copyright.PENANA4nhobJCSGX
396Please respect copyright.PENANAYTOjPz6iy1
396Please respect copyright.PENANAHOUKU69AXh
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。396Please respect copyright.PENANAt3sF33Zb7y
396Please respect copyright.PENANAXUIplhZ2lN
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:396Please respect copyright.PENANA73ra16wNDt
396Please respect copyright.PENANAWonOamXEUk
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。396Please respect copyright.PENANApWmJJmTqSQ
396Please respect copyright.PENANAadA6c8mNOl
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。396Please respect copyright.PENANAKo98TXUaUC
396Please respect copyright.PENANAssQgm8HoID
那麼差不多是這樣。396Please respect copyright.PENANA5joYCUxrIF
396Please respect copyright.PENANAVxA9Z83kVW
396Please respect copyright.PENANACIWmIT9Bxl
396Please respect copyright.PENANA2uEAVw31Hc
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。396Please respect copyright.PENANA1hzWYKzEGf
396Please respect copyright.PENANA3mVDijGXhQ
總之加油吧。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAIbQaO987cM
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAo7txvtrOjZ
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
396Please respect copyright.PENANA2kwbQnN45T
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
396Please respect copyright.PENANA5MZqLBwCg8
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
396Please respect copyright.PENANAp95Ccw2NCo
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。396Please respect copyright.PENANAKznVSqHpGM
396Please respect copyright.PENANAsPEg30527m
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」396Please respect copyright.PENANAAbox7ZjHGn
396Please respect copyright.PENANATNAwyMgLdu
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。396Please respect copyright.PENANAnRlNHXtwWc
396Please respect copyright.PENANArNchi7LCoM
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:396Please respect copyright.PENANAXlAsRwh8Ie
396Please respect copyright.PENANAb4laFs1KX8
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」396Please respect copyright.PENANAQuUrNKUMlq
396Please respect copyright.PENANAov1g3szfZr
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
396Please respect copyright.PENANA83TxZ5E4WQ
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
396Please respect copyright.PENANAM3pTBIoHRM
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
396Please respect copyright.PENANAWnL0FXg0r0
主角:俊明396Please respect copyright.PENANASRODjTGjbB
396Please respect copyright.PENANAr2vVuqtDLL
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)396Please respect copyright.PENANApjjRpYyP7F
396Please respect copyright.PENANAzIxIVtRGSI
396Please respect copyright.PENANAdkYf5vNpCd
主角現狀:遭人排擠396Please respect copyright.PENANAeGH1ohdoxq
396Please respect copyright.PENANAsiTQmaPtl7
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。396Please respect copyright.PENANAGIDeruZ3tz
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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