Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLZjpJN9v3
I, regrettably, did not.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTAmrqrHKu
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqqOCIADC5
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mKD4csHcq
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cWPyznunN
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5y1c5EUlOj
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutYO6qTZyV
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡta8cnqinUh
"Bathed," I growled.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVFP92VEiB
"With what?"23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfduzG54bFj
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUCQm2Gds9
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycYrInppD7
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2iChEaWR2
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzz1w2uYteO
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKRcR1xzi0
And bowed... inwardly.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGEyzrYcLm
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNEXWSbssW
23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxxS6s5bvU
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFb9dun1zt
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK307MX0Gtr
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQo55lTSR07
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03KFUgeLyW
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbdd9uHUAz
No fear. No confusion.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHwZ5OIyAL
It was pure recognition.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0442J9l9y
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0miAIBVqB1
But... babies?23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge8NS9l4gv
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbs8Pnx80n
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPqSYevqPt
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAamBrVxFF
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxVB5qVoRE
Screaming intensifies.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bRbLhPZ4L
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEq1F0lvRD
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVhD8OCvXg
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRuyyyzyyy
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zjM6OSzMZ
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PVwdNaiv4
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9bTcm86mI
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhycBtNF1qR
Your rhythm became mine.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKYmLevKVW
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjakYSMjGth
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PlLNvHf5w
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLQmpSIVPv
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOcBW9J5rl
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhouOIsUY4M
No. Babies demand engagement.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtShuyijHR
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1kfk4LpqF
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bIJEo9PgN
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvGrTgvEZy
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulh6ncHSQl
And perhaps I had.
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