Rainbow’s first sense of awareness came when she heard someone cough.
But the dead didn’t hear people cough, did they?
Yet she was sure of what she heard. Someone had coughed even though she couldn’t see a thing.
But why couldn’t she see? It seemed to register a moment later that it was because her eyes were closed.
Did she dare open them?
No! She didn’t want to open her eyes. She wanted to stay dead. But if she was dead then why had she heard someone cough?
Testing her vocal cords, she attempted a moan and it worked. She actually made a sound.
What the hell?
Could the dead make themselves moan, too?
Maybe it was her soul that was tricking her into thinking she was hearing people cough and herself moan. She could really still be dead, right?”
She felt someone begin to stroke her arm and gently coo at her.
Ok, something was definitely wrong. There was no way she could be dead. No way at all.
Panic began to well up in her at the thought of still being alive and having to face the same depression, hopelessness and misery she’d so desperately longed to escape. If she was alive and in some hospital her life could end up much worse than it had been before for they would surely watch her like a hawk and treat her like a prisoner.
“Come on, sweetheart, wake up,” she heard in a heavy German accent.
Nadja!
Against her will, her eyelids fluttered open. “No, no,” she began to mutter.
“Relax, honey. Everything is going to be just fine. I’ll go get the nurse.”
But the nurse was just entering the room right as Nadja turned toward the door.
“No!” Rainbow screamed with more force. “No, this can’t be! I can’t be alive!”
The nurse began speaking in German and Nadja translated. “She says it’s very important that you remain calm.”
“No! I don’t want to be alive.”
“But you are and…”
Rainbow turned her somewhat hazy vision on Nadja and spoke as clearly as the heaviness in her head would allow her to. “You shouldn’t have saved me. Now you’ve gone and made things worse!”
“Oh, honey, I know you feel that way right now, but…”
“I don’t want to be alive! I don’t!”
The nurse injected something into her intravenous tube and Rainbow couldn’t have been more grateful for it for once again she could retreat to the safety of pure nothingness.
Doctor Erin Fleischer introduced herself in English to Nadja and then the two women took a seat in the doctor’s spacious office.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me. I was told that you would be treating Rainbow because you speak English.”
“Yes, that’s right. But not for the physical part of her problems. I felt that we should speak in English ourselves whenever possible since it’s Rainbow’s – such a pretty name – native language. Would that be ok?”
“No problem. Mind my asking where you’re from?”
“No, not at all. I’m originally from England. Leeds, to be exact. Mind my asking how you learned English?”
“Nope, I don’t mind. I began learning in grade school.”
After a bit more small talk, Nadja asked the doctor what she thought she could expect over the upcoming days as far as Rainbow was concerned.”
“I’m afraid this isn’t going to be just a matter of days. It’s going to take months before she’s improved both physically and mentally and a lot of it is going to depend on how determined she is to get better.”
“Yes, I understand that,” Nadja said in a gloomy tone of voice. “But right now she must feel like she has no reason to live and that’s going to make it harder.”
“That’s why it’s important to do everything we can to boost her spirits in an honest, caring manner. The doctors now believe she has a good chance of recovery as far as her body’s concerned, but she’ll need someone to help her get around once she’s released. We can’t, however, release her once she’s physically fit if we don’t feel she’s mentally fit.”
Nadja nodded.
“That was a lot of sleeping pills she took. Your friend really meant business which means this isn’t anything to take lightly.”
“I know it isn’t. I just feel so bad. I kept having this bad feeling and like I should’ve acted sooner.”
“And had you not acted at all, she’d be gone for sure, Miss Keller.”
“Nadja,” she said with a smile.
“Nadja,” said the doctor, smiling as well, “please try not to feel guilty but be there for your friend instead. She’s going to need all the support she can get.”
“What can I do to help?”
“The most important thing right now is understanding what led her to try to end her life, and how we can help give her the will to go on and build a new life either here in Germany or back home in the U.S. Has she any family there?”
“Yes, a sister. I’ve been keeping her up to date regularly.”
“And they get along well?”
Nadja sighed. “Yes and no. From what I gather they have had their differences and some occasions where they didn’t speak to each other, but for the most part, they seem to get along well enough.”
“Do you know if she’s planning to come to Germany?”
“Not at this time, I don’t think, since there’s nothing she can really do.”
“Dr. Brandt says you two met online?”
“Yes, we did.”
“How did she come to be in Germany? Was it to meet you?”
“Well, what Rainbow told me was that she was going to visit her family, then see friends in Europe, and then return home to live with a friend. No one had any idea that the part about returning to stay with a friend wasn’t true and what she really had in mind instead.”
“Does she have any friends she might want to stay with in the U.S. that you know of?”
Nadja shook her head. “Rainbow lived much like a hermit, unlike her online life which was rather social and active. She had friends in her country. Just not friends she was overly close to or that lived near her. I don’t understand why she chose to die in Germany. I guess she just didn’t care.”
Doctor Fleischer looked thoughtful a moment, then said, “Well, you weren’t supposed to find her or ever know about it unless you found out through someone else online, so my guess is that she was simply more comfortable here, so to speak and as sad as it sounds. Were you two close as cyber friends?”
Nadja smiled a smile that was a mixture of pain and pleasure. “She had a thing for me you could say.”
The doctor smiled. “Oh, I see. That makes a little more sense now. She wasn’t close to her family, nor most of her friends, but she had an attraction for you.”
“Yes, you could say that,” Nadja said, again smiling.
“Do I dare ask if it was mutual?”
“It was, but I do usually prefer men. Nonetheless, once I saw how beautiful she was in person I thought wow! She’s way prettier than the pictures I’ve seen of her. So who knows what might’ve happened under different circumstances? I like her as a person. She seems pretty intelligent and always had a great sense of humor before the tragedy happened.”
“How long did you know each other online?”
“Almost a year.”
The doctor nodded and nibbled thoughtfully on the pen she was holding.
“Doctor, what do you think is going to happen to her? What can I expect?”
“At this time I can’t give you a precise answer until I’ve had more time to evaluate Rainbow, but because she needs to sleep so much right now in order to build her strength up, this will be hard to do until she gets stronger and becomes more coherent. It’s only been three days since she first woke up. Have you talked since the first time?”
“Unfortunately not much because she’s been asleep whenever I’ve visited since she first came awake. I try to be there whenever I can, but there’s no way to know when she’ll be awake.”
“More than likely she’ll be transferred to the center’s psychiatric ward once she’s more with it. We’re required by law, even with a foreigner without insurance, to treat those with an immediate need of either physical or mental help.”
“And how long will she be there?”
“Could be weeks, could be months. The most important thing is not to give Rainbow any false impressions.”
“False impressions?”
Doctor Fleischer nodded. “If your heart isn’t in her recovery and well-being, then now is the time to pull away and let someone else take over. There may not be anyone else to care enough to take over in the end, but she’d be better off without anyone around who may not care as much as she needs them to care.”
“I agree,” said Nadja.
“She’s not going to regain her will to live overnight either. It’s going to take time, understanding, patience and compassion. Losing a spouse and a home is an awful lot to lose.”
“I can just imagine,” said Nadja. “Then again, no, I can’t. And I hope to hell I never can, not that I’m insensitive.”
The doctor smiled. “Now let’s hope that someone somewhere can make her appreciate the fact that she’s still alive and help put the life back into her.”
“The doctor and nurses say that other than the first time she woke up when she panicked, obviously surprised to still be alive, she hasn’t been very emotional during the times she’s been awake. Meaning she doesn’t seem to be sad, mad or much of anything.”
“And that’s just the problem,” said the doctor. “It’s the lack of emotion that can be the most dangerous thing and the most discouraging for those in my line of work. Lack of emotion is simply not appropriate after what she’s endured.”
“So what can we do?”
“We wait and hope she sheds the tears she needs to shed given the situation.”
Nadja nodded and smiled tightly.
“And we also hope she lets you know how angry she is at you for daring to save her life and prevent her from ending her suffering.”
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