“Who would ever have thought that getting off probation would make you this gloomy?” Lorella’s sister said as they sat in a near-dead pizza parlor sharing a mushroom pizza topped with black olives and chicken bits.
“Certainly not me, Sharon, but I can’t help how I feel. I don’t know how or why I came to feel as I do, especially in such a short time, but nonetheless, I feel how I feel.
“Even so, sis, you better quit falling for the wrong people,” Sharon warned. “There’s nothing wrong with women liking women, but by God, Lorella, can’t you at least fall for someone you can have? If you don’t, you’ll be alone forever.”
“Believe me, I wish I could fall for all those bald, zit-faced losers that seem to be waiting for me on every street corner. It’s not like we choose who we like or dislike any more than we choose what colors or flavors we like.”
“Yeah, I know, I know. God knows I’d make myself hate chocolate in a heartbeat if I could.”
Lorella laughed at that one. “You and me both.”
“So, what do you do now?” asked Sharon.
Lorella shrugged. “I get on with my life. It’s all I can do.”
“I could always have Rena swipe another bottle of cough syrup in your company.”
“Ha, ha! Real funny.”
The sisters laughed merrily, then Lorella said, “I’ve got some grocery shopping I need to do, so instead of bringing me home, why don’t I just head on over to the store, then I’ll walk back to my place.”
Sharon’s eyebrows rose. “In this heat? When’s it going to cool down anyway? It’s the first of November already.”
“My place isn’t that far, and I’ll only be carrying a few bags at the very most.”
“Are you sure you want to walk?”
“Positive. I like walking, and the exercise would do me good. It’s just a couple of blocks.”
“Well, okay then. Take care and meet someone you can have.”
“I always do,” Lorella said, rising from her seat. “But maybe next time it’ll be someone I’ll want, too.”
“Your time will come,” Sharon assured her with a nod. “You’ll see.”
Lorella said goodbye and headed to the nearby grocery store, which was located in the same strip as the pizza parlor was in. The cool air inside the store felt good on her skin as she reached for a small basket and began to gather the items she needed. She headed for the soup aisle and reached for a can of bean soup, but it slipped out of her grasp and hit the floor. The can began to roll away from her until a foot suddenly came to rest upon it, stopping it from rolling further away, just as she was bending down to reach for it. She stood upright to find herself face-to-face with Madison Cady.
“Madison!” Lorella exclaimed, smiling brightly.
Dazzled by Lorella’s smile, Madison smiled back. “Hello there. How goes it?”
“Good. How about you?”
“Oh, I’m doing okay. Enjoying your freedom from probation? What’s it been, about a week now?”
“About that, yes.”
Madison was dressed in denim shorts and a pale pink top. Her long, muscular legs indicated that she worked out regularly. Lorella admired her warm brown eyes. Her features were soft and sincere despite her size, and she made Lorella think of a big old warm teddy bear.
“Shopping alone?”
Lorella nodded.
“Well, perhaps when you’re done, I can give you a lift home.”
“I’d like that,” Lorella said with a smile. “I’m just about done now. All I need is a head of lettuce.”
“Okay.”
They began walking towards the produce section.
“Are you done shopping for everything you need?” Lorella asked.
Madison nodded. “I was just heading for the check-out when I happened to glance down the aisle and spot you.”
“Oh. It’s nice that you did.”
Yes, it is, Madison added to herself. Maybe some things were meant to be after all.
Out in Madison’s Jeep, Lorella fastened the seatbelt around her.
“All set?” asked Madison.
Lorella smiled and gave a nod.
Madison smiled back, making Lorella blush as she turned to look straight ahead of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a look of amusement on Madison’s face.
“It’s mighty hot out there, isn’t it?” asked Madison.
“It is.”
A moment later, they pulled into Lorella’s assigned parking spot. Lorella turned to face Madison. “Would you like to come up?”
“Actually,” Madison said, “it’d be best if I took off now because I have some frozen goods that I should get put away, and I live on the other side of town.”
Disappointment began to seep through Lorella, though she did her best to hide it. “Oh, okay. I understand.”
“But if you’re going to be free later on,” Madison surprised her by saying, “I could stop by then.”
The disappointment receded faster than it had begun, and Lorella beamed a smile. “Sure. I’d like that. I’ll be here.”
“Would seven be okay?”
“Seven would be fine. Anything I should have ready? Soda, coffee?”
Madison shook her head. “Just yourself.”
“Ready for what?” Lorella dared to ask in a suggestive tone.
Madison smiled slowly as she gathered up her two grocery bags and exited the Jeep.
Inside the apartment, Lorella put her groceries away as fast as she could, then ran to the phone to call Shalinda.
“Shalinda, you are not going to believe this!” she exclaimed. “Not even I believe it.”
“What? What’s going on?”
Quickly, she filled her friend in on her meeting with Madison.
“My God,” Shalinda said. “You’re right, I don’t believe it.”
“Seven o’clock can’t come fast enough!” Lorella exclaimed excitedly.
“She lives on the other side of town? The other side of town is nice. Is she picking you up or what?”
“I don’t know, and personally, I don’t care where we go or what we do as long as she keeps her word about showing up in the first place.”
“I think she’ll keep her word, don’t worry.”
“I wonder if I should change into anything nicer, maybe sexier. Nah, that’d seem too – I don’t know – desperate.”
“What are you wearing?” asked Shalinda.
“Just shorts and a T-shirt.”
“Nothing wrong with being casual. Perhaps you can add a touch of makeup or do up your hair nicely or put on some perfume.”
“Perhaps,” Lorella agreed. “For now, I’ll go wait the few hours that will seem like days.”
They chuckled merrily before they said their goodbyes and hung up with Lorella promising to fill her friend in the first chance she got.
Madison’s cell phone was ringing as she was unlocking the door to the spacious duplex. Closing the door behind her, she pulled the phone from the pocket of her pants and answered it.
“Madison?”
Madison smiled at the sound of her sister’s voice. “Hi, Patricia.”
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” her sister asked. “You sound a bit out of breath.”
“Actually, I was just returning home when you called, but now’s a fine time to talk. How’s life back home?”
“Everything’s fine here. How about there?”
“Just been working as usual. How are Mom and Dad?”
“They’re fine. I spoke to Mom earlier. Dad passed his physical with flying colors.”
“That’s always good to hear.”
The sisters chatted for a while, mostly about work, till they hit upon the subject of dating. Patricia, straight and married for many years, had high hopes of her sister settling down with the right person.
“Met any nice ladies lately?” Patricia asked.
“Well…” Madison said hesitantly.
“Come on, spit it out. I want to hear it.”
Madison sighed and said, “Okay, I’ll tell you, but it’s not going to be anything you expect. It’s not anything I expected, and you’ll probably tell me I’ve lost my mind.”
“Just come out with it and I’ll be the judge of that,” Patricia pleaded impatiently.
Madison then filled her in on meeting Lorella, her case, and meeting her in the store.
“So, you’re going to meet your ex-client in a few hours?” asked a surprised Patricia.
“You got it,” Madison said, smiling brightly despite the fact that no one could see her.
“Well, I don’t think I can quite say that you’ve lost your mind, but you’re right, I didn’t expect to hear you’ve taken a fancy to a client. I suppose these things do happen, though.”
“Yeah, you just never think it’ll happen to you. I guess love really can be blind at times.”
“Well, good luck to you then. I hope it works out. Keep me posted.”
“Oh, I will. I definitely will. I’m going to go call Mom and Dad as soon as we hang up, then I’ll send you an email in the next day or two.”
Five Months Later…
The 7:30 knock nearly sent Lorella’s heart thumping right out of her chest as she went to open the door to begin the most wonderful five months of her life, destined to end so tragically, so abruptly.
That was how she ended up in Klamath Falls, Oregon, the following April, after storing most of her belongings at her parents’ house.
“Welcome to timber country,” Lorella’s brother said with a mixture of sorrow due to her recent plight, as well as delight in seeing his littlest sister.
Lorella stepped further away from the gate from which she’d exited her plane and allowed herself to be warmly embraced by Trevor.
“How are you feeling?” he asked her.
Lorella smiled weakly. “Tired, empty, sad. You’d think she and I had been together for years.”
They began walking towards the baggage claim area.
“They say we’re never really truly apart forever. That we meet up with one another in the afterlife.”
“Yeah, and then there are some that say we’re reincarnated amongst the same people we knew in our previous incarnation.”
“Do you believe that?” Trevor asked.
Lorella thought a moment, then said, “Truthfully, I don’t know what to believe.”
“At least you’ve still got your store. One that can go wherever you go.”
“At least,” Lorella agreed with a nod.
They grabbed Lorella’s suitcases and proceeded to exit the terminal.
“For now, just relax and try to take it easy,” Trevor told her. “Once you get to feeling like your old self again, you can decide whether or not you want to settle down here or return home.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like my old self. Which do you like better, Oregon or Nevada?”
Trevor looked undecided, then said, “Well, I don’t like the cold and the snow, but the cost of living is a lot cheaper here. It’s quieter, too.”
“So you’re renting a house?”
Trevor nodded. “It’s a little dump of a two-bedroom on the edge of downtown. It’s really small and old. It’s even tilted in particular areas, but it’s cheap and easy to heat. A canal runs along the back of it. It draws a lot of bugs in the summertime, though it’s a convenient area to live in, so I put up with them.”
“It’s close to stores, huh?”
“Oh, yeah. You can walk to all kinds of stores in no time at all, and of course, the fire station’s just up the street in the other direction.”
“Has work been going well?”
“It’s okay,” said Trevor. “It gets slow at times. There’s simply not a whole lot of fires to put out in such a tiny town. They’ve got me training people and taking care of supplies and paperwork in between fires. Why don’t you become a fireman?”
“Because I’m not a man.”
“Then how about a firewoman?”
“Why don’t people just say, firefighter?” Lorella suggested. “It’s less sexist sounding.”
Trevor smiled. “Okay, a firefighter.”
“No thanks. I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing. Some people wonder how I can stand to sit at home all the time taking orders, responding to emails, and packing boxes to be shipped, but it’s relaxing work. I like it. I can work on my own schedule this way with no bosses to report to.”
“That much must be nice. My boss is sometimes the drill sergeant from hell, that’s for sure.”
They got into Trevor’s truck and headed for Klamath Falls.
“It’ll be a couple of hours, so enjoy the scenery,” Trevor told her.
They were quiet throughout most of the trip. Trevor understood that his sister wasn’t in the mood for chatter these days. They listened to some soft rock music instead.
A chill ran through Lorella, and she rubbed her arms to try to warm herself. “I’m not used to it being so chilly. Especially with how warm it is back home at this time.”
“Yeah, you’ll hate the winters but love the summers. They’re a good forty to fifty degrees cooler.”
“That I wouldn’t mind.”
Lorella found the town of Klamath Falls to be both attractive and unattractive. The area in which her brother lived was especially unappealing in appearance because most of the houses and buildings in the area were old. Many of the homes had peeling paint and sagging porches. Other areas had newer homes with yards that were well-tended, with an array of beautiful flowers that added vibrant color to the neighborhoods. Apple and cherry trees were abloom everywhere.
“I don’t care for the pines and junipers, but I love those trees with the little pink flowers on them,” Lorella said.
“Well, enjoy them then because they won’t last long. By the end of May, most of the flowers on the trees will be gone.”
As they left the newer section of town, the colorful tulips, roses, and petunias turned to yards that were mostly dead and flowerless.
“Are they not allowed to mow around here?” Lorella asked.
Trevor chuckled. “This area has younger people in it, so they tend to let things go more often than the older folks on the other side of town. It’s a little noisier here too when it’s warmer. You’ll hear music from other houses and barking dogs.”
“You hear that shit year-round back home.”
“Then remind yourself when you go to complain about the cold and the snow that at least it’s quieter here.”
“Okay, I’ll try to remember that,” Lorella told her brother with a slight smile. The smile was gone as fast as it had appeared.
“How about stopping for lunch first? I never have much food in the house because I eat out so often.”
“We can stop if you’d like, but I’m not really all that hungry.”
“Oh, come on. You must be starving. You haven’t eaten in hours.”
“Maybe I’ll get a little something then.”
“Where to?” Trevor asked.
“Anywhere.”
They stopped at Denny’s. Trevor ordered a burger and fries while Lorella settled for soup and salad.
When they finally entered Trevor’s house, Lorella was shocked at how small it was. “Wow, this is the tiniest house I’ve ever seen. But it must be perfect for you.”
“It is,” Trevor agreed. “I don’t have much stuff, and it makes it a lot cheaper to heat something this small.”
Lorella glanced down at the denim blue carpet, which showed off every spec of dirt and lint beautifully. It was nowhere near as nice as the sculpted carpet in shades of peach and mauve in Madison’s duplex, she thought sadly.
A TV and plush chair were on one side of the living room, and a computer was on the other.
“I sleep in the back room here,” Trevor said, guiding Lorella through an old and homely-looking yet sunny, spacious kitchen. “The bathroom is between the bedrooms. I only use the front bedroom to store stuff. Got lots of boxes of old magazines and some sports equipment in there.”
“I see,” said Lorella as she followed her brother through the bathroom and to the other bedroom, which was similar in size to the other one.
“I stacked the boxes as neatly as I could against one wall and got you an airbed to sleep on. I know it isn’t much, but I figured it’d be better than sleeping on the floor.”
“It’ll be fine, Trev. I really appreciate all you’ve done to accommodate me until I get a sense of where I’m going in life.”
“It’s no problem at all, sis. Take all the time you need.”
The next two months passed by rather mechanically. Lorella felt like a robot that was programmed to simply go through the motions of life. She was alive, but not really living.
She set up her laptop on a small table in the bedroom and spent most of her time tending to business and reading books. On weekends, she called Shalinda and her family. Shalinda missed her so much that she almost felt guilty about coming to Oregon, though she knew Shalinda wanted her best friend to be happy.
When Trevor was home, he spent most of his time watching TV or doing various things on his own computer. Eventually, he began dating a young woman named Shayla who worked as a driver for a local florist company. Shayla was a shy redhead, and at first she was very quiet. She soon opened up and proved to have a great sense of humor. Lorella enjoyed her company, though she didn’t see much of her. She was happy for her brother and the way he seemed so much happier since meeting Shayla, even if he hadn’t exactly been down beforehand. She also liked the fact that Trevor spent more time out of the house because it gave her more privacy. Shayla didn’t sleep over too often because she and Trevor preferred to hang out at her apartment. When Trevor was gone for two or three days in a row, Lorella sometimes found herself feeling lonely. She tried to keep busy so she wouldn’t dwell on Madison and how much she missed her.
One day, Shayla announced that her cousin was a lesbian and offered to set up a meeting between Lorella and her cousin.
Lorella quickly turned down the offer.
In June, the wet, chilly weather turned warm and dry. Lorella was happy to be back in shorts and sundresses and to be able to roam around barefoot.
Not too far away, a tall and slender brunette was loading a grocery cart with various cans and boxes.
“In the city stocking up?” a man asked.
The brunette spun around to glance behind her, straight, shoulder-length hair bouncing as she did so. “Phil,” she said resolutely.
“How are you doing?” the man named Phil asked.
“I’m okay. And you?”
“Engaged.”
“Oh,” the brunette said with a nod. “Good luck to you.”
“Thanks, Noelle.”
Noelle watched the man walk away, feeling bad for his fiancée. She then continued on down the aisle, remembering her brief marriage to Phil. Now twenty-nine, she had been just twenty years old when she met Phil, who was two years older. She was a security guard at the time at the bank where Phil worked as an accountant. They would often chat during their breaks and found that they enjoyed many of the same hobbies. They began dating a few weeks after Noelle began working at the bank. As kind as Phil was, Noelle found the sex to be rather awkward. She had always favored women when it came to intimate relations, but since they got along so well and shared many of the same interests, she thought that maybe, just perhaps, she could make a go of it with Phil and have children naturally, rather than through artificial insemination or adoption.
She had once read that bad sex never got better and that it would be unwise to tell yourself that it was the shared values that mattered most because you would only end up resenting your partner in the end. At first, she had been sensitive to Phil’s lack of ability to get a hard-on. Yet as time went on, it was clear to her that he wasn’t the least bit interested in seeing what could be done to change it, and this was not only preventing them from having a family but becoming more frustrating by the minute to Noelle as well. She soon began to feel like she was not so much neglected but missing out on a fulfilling sex life because they were unable to have intercourse, and Phil didn’t have much desire to please her in other ways.
After a year of trying to be patient and feeling like things wouldn’t change unless some kind of action was taken, she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me upfront that you had this problem? You knew I wanted children and you’ve obviously had this problem for some time now, haven’t you?”
Phil nodded. “I guess I was just embarrassed.”
“Oh, come on, hon. No one’s embarrassed or ashamed to discuss these things these days. We’re living in a time when everyone’s heard it all and nothing comes as a surprise. Besides, I had a right to know, and I made it clear to you upfront that I wanted children. This makes me wonder if you’ve kept anything else from me.”
“I understand how you feel. Are you going to leave me?”
“Of course not,” Noelle said, for she had believed it at the time. “The only thing that upsets me is that you didn’t tell me upfront about this. As someone who truly loves you, I’d have wanted to be with you just the same. It would have been easier on both of us if I’d known what to expect upfront. It’s not like a man could hide something like this from a woman forever or that she simply wouldn’t notice. I love you very much, Phil. Therefore, I’d like to work this out somehow. I think we should see a doctor.”
Phil nodded again. “We’ll give it five years.”
Noelle’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Five years? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? Besides, I don’t think this is something that’s just magically going to go away on its own, so why don’t we just deal with it?”
Phil rose hesitantly then said, “We’ll see.”
“We’ll see? No, Phil, I don’t want to see in this case. I want us to come to an agreement we can stick to.”
“Okay, okay. Have it your way. But why the rush? We’re both so young.”
“You know I like to do things that I feel are best for me as an individual and not go by the so-called norms.”
“Yeah, well, speaking of norms, this isn’t the fifties, Noelle. I thought you women were supposed to be hell-bent on making money like crazy, and hey, we all love money, don’t we? You should decide what’s more important to you, having a husband or having children.”
“Oh,” Noelle said glumly. “Modern times or not, I didn’t think a woman had to choose between the two.”
Noelle had initially blamed Phil’s problem on herself. She thought that perhaps she wasn’t attractive enough or that maybe she just didn’t know how to please him. It could’ve even been something she said. Yet her research showed that more often than not, Phil’s problem, as well as others, simply didn’t one day appear out of the blue. They often spanned way back in time and had more to do with a physical or emotional defect rather than a particular individual, although men with sexual dysfunctions often placed blame on their current partner because it was an easy thing to do.
“Sorry, hon,” she one day told Phil when he informed her that not bringing the subject up would be his magic cure. “Only you can be your cure, and if that means seeing a doctor, then so be it, but I’m not your cure. I can only be your supporter.”
Phil finally agreed to see a doctor within a year, yet Noelle soon came to realize that he was only saying that to placate her, all the while making one excuse after another, seemingly biding his time. He seemed to genuinely believe that burying the problem rather than facing it was the answer. She suspected that his exes had left him for this very reason. She also suspected that Phil’s reluctance to see a doctor had nothing to do with shyness after all, but rather a lack of desire to become a father instead, though she didn’t understand why he wouldn’t simply come out and admit to not wanting kids. Had he only said he wanted kids just to win her over?
In the end, Phil got his way. This was because she was steadily getting sick of the idea of children herself, and she missed being with a woman. Why she even bothered to take up with a guy in the first place, with the idea of family in mind, was beyond her. She’d seen enough of the kinds of headaches children often brought their parents, and most of all, she was sick of Phil. Boring, predictable Phil. The more she came to miss women, the less she thought of having children. This still didn’t mean she might not one day adopt a child or two; it just meant that at that moment, all she wanted to do was get away from Phil and hope to meet a suitable woman.
She was beginning to feel used as well. Well, Phil’s just going to have to find someone else to cook and clean for him, Noelle had vowed. I need more than just a man who buys me things. I need to go back to being the man myself and to having someone wait on me for a change.
Someone she was sexually compatible with who didn’t have one problem or excuse after another. With gay women being more accepted by society as opposed to gay men, she didn’t think that’d be a problem.
Noelle realized she was just as much to blame as Phil, in a sense, for she did not heed his sister’s warnings. She visited his forty-something-year-old sister’s house one day shortly after she and Phil had met. Phil was outside with his brother-in-law trying to fix an old lawn mower while she and his sister, Lila, sat at the kitchen table chatting over a mocha cappuccino.
“So, you like Phil so far?” Lila asked bluntly.
“Sure. We seem to be heading in the same direction in life, you could say,” Noelle replied.
“Oh?” asked Lila curiously. “What kinds of directions?”
“Well, for one, it’s nice to finally meet a guy who wants children. They’re not always so easy to come by.”
Lila blinked with shock. “But he doesn’t want children.”
Noelle now looked just as shocked. Unsure of what to say, she simply stared at Lila.
“Oh, he won’t tell you that,” Lila assured her, understanding Noelle’s surprise and curiosity. “But I can personally vouch for the number of times I’ve heard that man say that kids are both uncivilized and bothersome, as well as a waste of money. You see, when one person wants children and the other doesn’t, only one can have their way in the end. Just one, and the one that doesn’t get their way may find they never really had a choice to begin with.”
“But what’s the point in saying he wants something he doesn’t?”
Lila shrugged. “Since when have we women ever been able to get inside a man’s head and really understand what’s in it? Why they lie about their feelings and desires is completely beyond my comprehension. My husband tells me I’m gorgeous all the time, yet he doesn’t do much about it. He doesn’t show it, he just says it, and well, anyone can say anything, can’t they? I mean, look at me. Do I look gorgeous?”
Noelle suddenly felt foolish, uncomfortable, and at a loss for words. At the time, she refused to believe Phil was deceiving her, believing instead that somehow, some way, Lila had misinterpreted her brother. After all, he’d never insisted upon birth control, but perhaps he really had known all along that he wouldn’t have to on account of his problem, a problem he wanted, even liked.
She once confided in a friend before she assaulted her for not returning an expensive necklace she had lent her. The woman had been too scared to point the finger at her in the end.
“Isn’t it a bit extreme?” the friend had asked. “I mean, to sacrifice your own personal pleasure by not seeking help is really stretching it, don’t you think? Especially at such a young age.”
“I guess different people have different priorities and tolerance levels as to what they endure or give up,” Noelle had answered. “You know men are sissies when it comes to seeing doctors for anything below the belt anyway. Also, if you’ve never had a normal sex life to begin with, you can’t really know what you’re missing, can you?”
The friend put an arm around her shoulder. “Cheer up. You’re not alone. Far from it. There wouldn’t be so many damn sex enhancers out there if you were.”
Knowing she wasn’t alone hadn’t helped. A problem was still a problem regardless of how many others shared it. And one person couldn’t always fix things alone. Therefore, they were divorced just two years later. If they hadn’t been, Noelle might’ve ended up cutting Phil’s deadbeat dick off and shoving it down his throat till he choked to death.
Noelle came back to the present, put her ex out of her mind, and finished her grocery shopping.
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