Sick
Since when I was young, wala na 'kong ibang ginawa kun 'di ang maging sunod-sunuran sa pamilya. I was the robot of the family. 'Yung palaging sinasabihan. Pinapaalalahanan. Palaging pinapagalitan.
Downside of being a middle-child. Si Mommy, paborito si bunso. Si Daddy, paborito si panganay. Ako? I'm always good. I was never the best. Ni maging better nga sa dalawang kapatid, hindi ko magawa. 'Yung mga kapatid ko, sila ang palaging nakaka-receive ng congratulations, I'm so proud of you, you're the best. Samantalang ako? Kahit anong gawin ko, isa lang ang naririnig ko.
Keep it up.
Sabi, ang mga middle children daw ang peace-maker sa pamilya. Palibhasa, nakaka-relate sila sa mga bata. Nakaka-relate din sila sa mga matatanda. Kalokohan. Ako nga 'tong naiipit palagi. I was always in the middle. The average one. Ako nga raw ang disappointment. Paanong naging peace-maker ako?
Ni wala nga raw akong pinagbago.
Hanggang ngayon, failure pa rin. Dahil lang sa isang gabi.
Tangina.
For my whole life, I'd never decided for myself. Hindi pa ako pinapanganak, buo na ang future ko. Lahat nakaayos na. Kung saan ako mag-aaral, kung anong course kukunin, kung anong magiging buhay ko.
There felt like chains that were binding me, and no matter what I do, I couldn't break it and set myself free.
Hindi sila naniniwala sa fate. Para sa kanila, pera. Pera ang gumagawa ng fate.
Kaya nang ipinanganak ako, tatlo lang ang responsibilidad ko sa buhay.
One, to say yes— to nod at whatever they'll ask me to do.
Second, to breathe— kailangan ko lang siguraduhin na buhay ako araw-araw.
And third, to impress. Ang kahit sino.
And the rest? Sila na ang bahala. Pati sa mangyayari bukas, sa susunod na bukas, at sa susunod na mga taon. Sila na ang bahala. Basta ang gagawin ko lang, siguraduhin na magigising ako sa bawat umaga.
My family was image-conscious, obvious naman. Hindi ko rin naman sila masisisi. Maraming kalaban. Sa negosyo, lahat sugal. Bawat hakbang, sugal. Walang permanente. Pwedeng ngayon, nasa itaas ka. Bukas, may mas magaling na.
But that wasn't the issue.
Dahil para sa pamilya ko, hindi pwedeng may sasablay. There was never a room for failure. Kung hindi ka magaling, bawal ka. Kapag pumalpak ka, nakakahiya ka.
Sa pamilyang 'to, hindi pwedeng gusto mo lang.
There's the constant why followed by a solid no.
Your heart has no say at all.
Gusto ko sanang magtake ng Journalism noon. I have the heart for writing. Pen and paper were my bestfriends. I always believe that writing is the best way to wring out a heart and express all the emotions that mouth failed to do so. Kaso nga lang, ayaw ng pamilya. Tanong ni Daddy, ano namang maitutulong no'n sa negosyo? Sabi ni Mommy, marami daw sa mga journalist ang pinapatay.
Nakakatakot.
Akala ko matutulungan ako ni Kuya. Akala ko maiintindihan niya. Kaso wala 'e. Pinaiyak niya lang ako. Tulad din siya nila Daddy. He forced me to pursue Business Administration. Why was I even suprised? Lahat naman kami rito robot. Kaso nga lang, si Kuya, nag-eenjoy.
Siya ang pinakamasayang robot na nakilala ko.
Sa likod ng mansyon, sa mainit na lounger, tanaw ko ang mga pinagmamalaking ari-arian ng pamilya ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas pinipili ng ibang tao ang pera kaysa sa happiness. O baka naman kasi pera ang happiness nila? Pero bakit? It's not as if you can bring your money sa heaven. Magagamit mo ba pangsuhol kay San Pedro 'yon para papasukin ka sa langit? May entrance fee ba? Wala naman siguro.
Aalis na sana 'ko kaso narinig kong kausap ni Kuya si Tita Martha sa phone. Mukhang pupunta rin siyang ospital. Ayoko nga siyang kasabay. Baka uminit lang ulo ko 'tas mabanggit ko kay Tita Martha lahat ng sinabi niya.
I sighed. That was indeed the worst fight we ever had.
Tita Martha:
Zuriel's here. I thought you're with him. Di ka pupunta?
Napangiti ako.
Throughout my whole life, Levi was the only perfect thing ever happened to me. 'Yung tipong, ginusto talaga ng puso ko. When I said yes to him, sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. That was the happiest day of my life. 'Yung tipong, finally, nakapagdesisyon din ako para sa sarili ko. 'Yung walang lumalason sa utak ko. 'Yung walang nag-utos sa 'kin para sumagot ng oo. Kasi that time, gusto ko talaga. Desisyon ko talaga.
I sent a reply kay Tita Martha, assuring her na pupunta ako, 'di na nagdagdag ng detalye.
"Heard you had a row with kuya?"
Napalingon ako sa gilid kung saan nagmula ang boses. My eyes grew wider. Halos magdiwang ang puso ko nang makita ko si Bailey, pinakabata kong kapatid.
"Bailey!"
Without shilly-shallying, I closed the space between us. I can't help but to tighten the embrace sa leeg niya that he was almost choked to death. Pero 'di siya nagreklamo.
"Oh, my God! Finally! I thought it will take life and death para lang makita ka! We're seriously living in the same house pero 'di man lang tayo nagkikita."
"You just arrived last last day, Ate. Wag kang OA."
I rolled my eyes and pulled away.
"OA ka diyan! Totoo naman! I was expecting na sasalubungin mo ko nung isang araw. You already failed me sa NAIA, tapos 'di ka pa nagpakita rito."
"Tell that to you nagger friend."
I chortled. "Away pa rin kayo?"
Mata niya naman ngayon ang umikot. He turned his back and began to walk. I just trailed behind him.
"She's literally always around here. Ang gulo gulo niyang tao. You can't blame me kung bakit wala ako lagi sa bahay. Wala ka. Wala si Kuya. Wala si Mom. Wala si Dad. You can't expect me to stay here forever. Sawang sawa na ko sa mukha ng witch na 'yon."
I laughed like a drain. They literally never reconciled. At everything. Pati maliliit na bagay, pinagtatalunan. Kapag may opinion ang isa, gagawa ng paraan ang isa para mambara. They were always like that. I don't think it will ever change.
"Witch talaga?"
Naupo ako sa tapat ng round table. Bailey did the same across.
"I believe she casts a spell kay Kuya kaya patay na patay sa kaniya. Hindi pumapatol si Kuya sa maingay. Si ate Faye ang tipo no'n."
My eyes widened. "Don't say that when she's here!"
Luminga pa ako sa paligid to confirm that there were no intruding ears. Lalo na si Chelzie! Mahilig pa naman mag-eavesdrop yo'n. Baka mapatay na nila ang isa't isa kapag nagkataon. She's dead insecure kay Ate Faye dahil sa past niya with Kuya. And hearing this from Bailey will surely make her come out with all guns blazing.
Bailey scowed. "Wala naman siya. At kahit nandito siya, wala akong pake."
Napailing ako, may multo ng ngisi sa labi. "Seriously, Chelzie's nice. Maingay lang talaga. Kuya won't be madly crazy deeply inlove with her—"
"Kung hindi niya kinulam si Kuya."
I hoot with laughter. Again. Dati, nalulungkot ako kapag nag-aaway sila. Ngayon, sanay na 'ko. Tinatawanan ko na lang. They were getting so silly. Habang tumatagal, nagiging absurd ang pinaglalaban nilang dalawa.
"Naniniwala ka talagang mangkukulam si Chelzie?"
His eyes rolled, still wearing that familar frown. "Whatever. Why are we even talking about her? Tell me about your experience sa Seoul."
Napangiti ako. Aside from the fact na hindi ko sila kasama do'n, it was still good. I suddenly missed my friends sa Seoul. Hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanila. Alam ko kasi na pipigilan nila 'ko. I don't want to see their disappointed looks. Siguro tatawagan ko na lang sila mamaya. I will initiate this time. Nakauwi na kasi ang dalawang kaibigan namin. 'Yung isa nasa Nampo. Yung isa nasa Honghin. They were trying to call me nung isang araw pa lang but I refused to answer their calls. I texted them. Sabi ko, tsaka na lang kami magvideocall kapag kumpleto na sila.
"Masaya. Nakakahome-sick nga lang. Pero kaya naman. I made new friends. People are so nice, Bail. And my friends find you attractive too. Gusto kang makilala ni Cass. Half Pinay 'yun." I wagged my brows. Sinamaan niya 'ko ng tingin. Natawa ako. "Anyway, I really had fun. Nakakastress nga lang. Lalo na nung first month. Na-stress ako sa company. Matinding adjusment talaga lalo na sobrang iba 'yung environment. Thank God He sent me someone. Si Miss Paige. 'Di niya ko pinabayaan."
He nodded, tapping his fingers above the table. "Mukhang sobrang nag-enjoy ka nga..."
"Of course! There's no way I would not! People are so nice," nakangiting sagot ko. "Tsaka... kahit naman stress ako sa business, may time pa rin akong maghang-out. You know, night parties. Nakakatuwa nga 'e. Parang alam mo 'yun... At some part of my life, I felt free. 'Di tulad dito. Manila's suffocating."
He grinned. "Manila? Or people in Manila?"
"Responsibilities in Manila."
Totoo 'yon. My life in Seoul is very unlike in Manila. Kahit na may mga mabibigat na task na nakapatong sa balikat ko, that's totally fine. At least, I got to put my feet at leisure. Hindi tulad dito. Wala nga kong negosyo na binabantayan, ang dami namang mga mata na nakatingin. And it became my responsibilty to show them what their eyes want to see. Mas mahirap na responsibilidad 'yon.
"How about Kuya Levi..." He averted his eyes away upon the mention of his name. "How are you guys before he went... you know."
"Relationship namin?" He nodded. "We're fine! Sobra! Hindi ko nga naramdaman na LDR kami 'e. Wala naman kasing nagbago. Minus the intimacy, s'yempre. Pero 'yung connection? Gano'n pa din."
Kahit naman kasi seperated kami by lands and waters, gumagawa kami ng paraan. Kapag mahal mo kasi talaga 'yung tao, kahit milyong planeta pa nakapagitan sa inyo, you will always find way to connect to the person. You will always find reasons.
Maya-maya pa, dumating ang isang maid. She's with a pitcher of orange juice. Nilagay niya 'yon sa ibabaw ng mesa kasama ang dalawang baso. Bailey thanked her and her cheeks automatically turned red. Kunot-noo kong tinignan si Bailey pagkaalis no'ng babae. Nagsalin siya ng juice sa baso. He looked normal. Hindi niya siguro napansin.
I wagged my head, with a teasing smile, at nagsalin na rin ng juice sa baso.
"Do you believe that... distance can kill love?"
"Ha?"
I was surprised. I never expect him to throw questions like this. It was just so... out of the blue. And very out of his character.
"You mean, if it can destroy relationship?" Tumango siya, 'di makatingin. "Of course not! Depende sa couples 'yun, Bail. Unfortunately, there were long-distant couples na hindi kinakaya. Pero meron din namang nakakasurvive. Like us."
I took a sip of the orange juice. Sa hindi maipaliwanag na kadahilanan, Bailey's mood suddenly dropped. Obvious 'yon. Nangunot ang noo ko. He's acting weird. All of a sudden. Malalim ang gitla sa noo niya, pinaglalaruan ang hawak na baso. I can't read what's in his mind. Hindi rin kasi siya makatingin nang deretso.
"Bail..."
He gulped the juice. I shifted to my sit. Hindi siguro sapat ang sagot ko.
"Alam mo, totoong mahirap ang LDR. Less time with each other. Given na 'yun. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko, depende 'yun sa couples. After all, matter of choices din naman. Choice mo kung kakapit ka pa, o bibitaw ka na. Bakit mo ba natanong? May ka-LDR ka?"
"What? No!" May kasama pang pagluwa ng mata ang pagtanggi niya. Naningkit ang mga mata ko, hindi kuntento. "Wala nga!"
I laughed, having fun of teasing him.
Madami pa kaming pinagkwentuhan ni Bailey. He told me his experiences bilang senior high school student. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong maging grateful. Am I lucky kasi 'di ko naabutan 'yon?
I think, students these days, mas lucky sila. At least, bago sila magcollege, they are already equipped with stuffs na kakailanganin nila. Hindi tulad namin. The transition from junior high school to college is no joke.
"Just face the challenge. Nakaka-drain lang ng energy ang pagcocomplain. Kahit naman magcomplain ka nang maraming beses, walang mangyayari. It is already enforced. Kung ako sayo, save the energy to something productive. Mas worth it. Kaysa naman sa paulit-ulit na pagrereklamo. Sayang oras," I adviced him.
"I just really can't help it... Sabi ng classmate ko, pag-aaralan din naman sa college lahat ng pinag-aaralan namin ngayon. We're just prolonging the agony."
Umiling ako. "Sa college kasi, it's hard to shift course. At least sa curriculum ngayon, you can evaluate your decision first bago ka magcollege. Kapag hindi mo gusto ang strand mo, pwede kang mag-iba ng course. Kumbaga, hindi ka basta-basta sasabak sa gyera na hindi mo naman gusto. That's the advantage."
"But the advantage is always futile in this family."
My shoulders fell. My heart bleeds for him, really. That was the sad part. 'Di ko rin masisisi si Bailey kung bakit hindi siya natutuwa sa curriculum na 'to. Kahit naman kasi hindi niya gusto, may ibang gagawa ng desisyon. The additional years in high school just delayed the inevitable para sa mga tulad ni Bailey. Pagtapos nito, sasabak pa rin siya sa gyera na hindi niya gusto. He's fully equipped, yes. Pero hindi ito ang gusto niya.
I reached for his hand above the table.
"I'm sorry..." I smiled. It obviously confused him. "I'm sorry if I can't do anything... we're just in the same page."
He smiled. "Same goes when Kuya can't do anything to help you. Gan'to rin 'yun, Ate. Kahit gusto mo kong matulungan, wala kang magawa."
Unti-unti kong inalis ang kamay ko sa kaniya at ngumiti. I get his point. Pero magkaiba kami ni Kuya. Pareho lang kaming walang magawa. Pero magkaiba kami. Ako, gusto kong may magawa, kahit alam kong wala. Siya, bukod sa wala siyang magawa, ayaw niya talaga.
"But really, it's okay. I understand. I already gave up the idea. Kung nakaya mo, kaya ko rin."
He smiled, brushing off the thought of talking about Kuya. I appreciate it. Ramdam niya siguro na ayaw ko munang pag-usapan.
It was 5 in the afternoon nang magpasya akong umalis. Walang bantay si Levi nang maabutan ko. It was actually a surprise. I was quite expecting na makikita ko si tita Martha. Ate Faye might have done something again para pauwiin ang Mommy niya. Nang lapitan ko si Levi, gano'n pa rin. Nothing has changed since the last time I visited him. Wala pa ring malay. Pangatlong Linggo na siyang comatose bukas kapag hindi pa siya nagising.
I was staring blankly at the ceiling, habang ang katawan ay nakalapat sa couch. I tapped my fingers above my tummy, iniisa-isa ang mga bagay na dapat isipin.
Una, si Levi.
I don't know what He's planning to do with him. Hindi naman siguro siya kukunin kaagad ng Diyos. I have faith. Hindi naman siguro ako sobrang samang tao para gawin sa 'kin 'yon. He can't just take away the first person na naniniwala sa 'kin. Pa'no na lang ako kapag nangyari 'yon? I'll suffer. The word wasn't enough, actually. Baka sa sobrang hirap, gugustuhin ko na lang sumama sa kaniya.
My problem with Dad wasn't even helping. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap. I'm a big fat liar kung sasabihin kong hindi ako bothered. Of course, I am. Walang araw na hindi ako nanginig sa takot everytime I foresee the day na uuwi siya rito. Sana palipasin muna niya ang Graduation ni Bailey bago ako bugahan ng apoy. Kahit naman hindi masaya si Bailey sa strand na kinuha niya, alam kong importante rin 'yon sa kaniya. It is another milestone. Dapat lang i-celebrate. And Dad's issue with me shall not intertwine.
Naisip ko rin si Kuya.
That was the worst fight. Noon, walang pag-aalinlangan na hihingi ako ng sorry. I hate it kapag nagiging cold sa 'kin ang mga kapatid ko. Hindi ako mapakali. Kaya nga todo iwas ako kagabi na magkita kami. I already see this coming. And now it actually happened. Hindi ko alam kung anong susunod na gagawin. I wasn't in the right frame of mind para lapitan siya at manghingi ng tawad.
The damage has already been done.
But it was never too late to fix the damage.
Napahilamos ako sa mukha. I really don't know what to do. Kailangan ko pang kausapin ang mga kaibigan ko sa Korea. For sure, tampo na sa 'kin ang mga 'yon.
And the pending tasks.
'Yung mga iniwan kong gawain sa agency dahil nagmadali akong pumunta rito. Maybe I can ask my secretary to send me some files. Pwede naman sigurong magtrabaho ako kahit nandito ako sa Manila.
Napabangon ako. I leaned my back and massaged my temple. Life was starting to make it hard for me. Na naman.
Feeling ko may trust issue na rin ako sa sarili ko. I can't decide on my own. Hindi ko alam kung anong sunod na gagawin. Baka magkamali ako. Baka magsisi. Nakakatakot.
Sabagay. Disappointment naman na ako noon pa. This won't shock me anymore. Failure- isang cliche na deja vu 'yan sa buhay ko.
Tinawagan ko ang mga kaibigan ko at kinulang ang isang oras para maintindihan nila ang desisyon ko. I keep on explaining to them na comatose ang fiancee ko at 'di ako mapakali sa Seoul. Sa huli, naggive up na rin sila sa pag-iinterrogate pero alam kong hindi pa rin sila okay sa rason ko. They find it lame, hindi ko maintindihan. They would've done the same kung sila ang nasa posisyon ko. Why did everybody can't see the point?
"Dumalaw na po ba sila mommy, Tita?"
Naabutan ako ni Tita sa ospital. I was planning to stay overnight kasi. Saktong dumaan siya para i-check si Levi. 'Yun nga lang, hindi ata siya magtatagal kasi pupunta pa siyang opisina. Like mine, her world stopped too. Ngayon, nagagahol siya sa mga pending tasks dahil ang iba, may specific due pa.
"Yes. Your mom went here last week. Kaya nga napakiusapan ko siyang pauwiin ka."
"'Yung mga kapatid ko po?"
She was obviously taken aback. Natigilan siya. Nawala rin ang maingay na tunog ng nagbabanggaang baso at kutsara kasi napahinto siya sa paghahalo ng kape. She cleared her throat and went closer to Levi. Naupo siya sa tabi ng kama, nakatalikod sa 'kin.
"Si Zuriel, oo. He usually go here with his fiancee."
I nodded and chuckled. "I'm sorry for Bailey's absence, tita. For sure mas matutuwa si Levi kapag bumisita siya. Kaso wala 'e... You know him naman po, 'di ba? He's always busy. Lalo ngayon... he's fixing his requirements. Graduating 'e."
She sipped on her mug, hindi nagbitaw ng kahit anong salita.
Mag-aalas otso nang dumating ang doktor ni Levi. Nasa gilid lamang ako habang chinecheck niya ang mga vital signs. Matapos ay tinanggal niya ang stethoscope. He sighed and faced me. Mukhang disappointed.
"Kamusta po?"
He shook his head at muling nilingon si Levi.
I bit my lower lip. Sinulyapan ko rin si Levi na wala pa ring malay. Kung titignan, para lang siyang tulog. Lubog lang ang pisngi niya dahil nangayayat siya nang sobra. Bukod do'n, wala sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya ang hirap. Parang tulog lang talaga. 'Wag nga lang magagawi ang mga mata mo sa mga nakakakabit na apparatus sa katawan niya. Feeling ko, hinihiwa ang puso ko. Para siyang rude awakening na magpaparealize sa 'yo na hindi siya okay. At dahil mahal ko siya, mahirap din maging okay.
"To say that he's weak isn't enough. He's critical, hija. Levi's condition is critical. Halos isang Linggo rin siya sa ICU bago namin na-transfer dito. It wasn't easy. At some point... I thought..." he trailed.
"You thought what?"
Huminga siya nang malalim. "I thought Levi can't make it..."
Natulala ako sa mga mata niya. Halatang stress na stress na si Doctor Tolentino. Levi's not just his patient. Ninong rin siya nito dahil bata pa lang, siya na ang pinagkakatiwalaan ng mga Gilmore. He cares for him, hindi lang bilang pasyente. And to hear this from him... it was starting to shake my hope. And my faith. Kung inisip niya na hindi kakayanin ni Levi, his condition must be terribly bad.
Hindi ko ata kakayanin kung nandito ako noong mga oras na 'yon. Pero ang hirap din tanggapin na wala ako. I wasn't beside him. It all happened to him, habang wala ako.
"That night... Levi's at his worst. Hindi siya makahinga. Lupaypay na ang katawan niya. He's pale," he said. "After his resuscitation, tumigil ang blood flow sa cerebrum niya. Nagkulang ang supply ng oxygen. Akala namin, magigising din kaagad siya. Pero lumipas ang 24 hours, wala pa rin siyang malay. His condition is getting worse day by day. Minsan, hindi na normal ang heartbeat niya."
Parang may bumukol sa lalamunan ko. Hinawakan ko ang neckline ng suot kong blouse. Parang... hindi ako makahinga. I know it was hellish. Aware ako na hindi maganda ang lagay niya. Pero hindi ko alam na ganito. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito.
I sniffed. Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko. Nahihirapan si Levi. This was torturing him... us. Kung araw-araw lumalala ang kondisyon niya... paano na? Anong mangyayari sa susunod na araw? Kaya ba sobrang anxious si Tita?
Pumatak ang luha ko. Mabilis kong pinunasan 'yon at hinilamos ang palad ko sa mukha. Humakbang ako palapit kay Levi at naupo sa tabi ng kama. I caressed his hair.
I know he can do this. We can do this. We should.
"I'm not saying this para takutin ka, hija. Sinasabi ko sa 'yo 'to kasi alam kong may magagawa ka. Noon pa man, sinabi ko na kay Mrs. Gilmore na dalhin ang pasyente sa US. Ayaw naman nila rito dahil wala raw silang tiwala. I've been suggesting heart transplant for years. Paulit-ulit. Hindi siya nakikinig. Now... I don't think it is the best time para ilabas ang pasyente. He's not in a good shape."
Tumango ako.
Naiintiindihan ko rin naman si Tita Martha. She was just traumatized. She just didn't want a rerun of the past... ng pamilya nila. Ito rin kasi ang kumuha sa buhay ni Tito Gabby. He didn't die dahil sa mismong sakit. Namatay siya habang inooperahan. 'Di niya kinaya. And Tita Martha must be so scared na gano'n din ang mangyari sa anak niya.
Pero tama rin si Doctor Tolentino. We have to take risk. Because if we don't...
Paano namin mapapalaya sa sakit na 'to si Levi? Hahayaan na lang ba namin na magsuffer siya rito habang buhay? He doesn't deserve that!
"I..." I bit my lips. "I'll see what I can do."
Tumango siya. "I hope there is." He smiled, kinuha ang mga gamit. "Mauna na 'ko. I'll just do my rounds. Feel free to approach me if you need something."
I just gave him a nod. Inayos niya ang coat niya at huling beses na pinasadahan ng tingin si Levi. Napasulyap ulit ako sa fiancee ko. Upon caressing his hair, I remembered something. Kumunot ang noo ko at muling tinawag si Doctor Tolentino. Palabas na sana siya pero sinara niya ulit ang pinto para bigyan ako ng atensyon.
"That night... do you know what happened?"
Kumunot ang noo niya. When he realized what I meant, ngumiti siya. Nang tipid. Tapos umiling.
"Not really. Hindi naman nakwento ni Mrs. Gilmore. Pero nang itakbo rito si Levi, nanghihina siya. He was having a hard time catching his breath. And..." He cocked his head, nagsalubong ulit ang mga kilay. "There were blood stains."
"Blood stains?"
Napatayo ako, naguguluhan na lumapit sa kaniya. Alam ko na nadamay siya no'ng nagkagulo raw sa club. Gaano ba kalala 'yon?
He shrugged. "I don't know. Sabi lang, nadamay raw siya sa gulo. It was crowded. Nahirapan siyang huminga. And based on my observation, hindi lang siya isang beses nasuntok. May mga bruises din siya sa katawan. Marami."
I clenched my jaw. Naalala ko 'yung mga kaibigan ni Levi. Sila 'yung pinapunta rito ni Ate Faye. I really don't know them. Iba ang mga mukhang 'yon sa circle of friends nina Kuya. They weren't familiar. Sabi pa noon ni Chelzie, madalas daw silang maghang-out kasama si Levi. At sa ilang minuto na nakasama ko sila rito, ramdam ko na di nila 'ko gusto. They didn't even acknowledge me as Levi's fiancee. Si Naiah lang ang kumausap sa 'kin.
Paano kung may pagka-gangster pala ang isa sa mga kaibigan niya? Tapos may nakaaway na matindi ang galit? I will never forgive them kung gano'n nga ang nangyari tapos nadamay lang si Levi.
"Are they taking legal actions?" I asked. I trust Tita Martha won't let this pass.
"Hindi ko alam. I don't really intrude pagdating sa mga ganiyang bagay. Ginagawa ko lang ang trabaho ko. Better ask his mother."
Nagpasalamat ako kay doctor Tolentino bago siya umalis. Saktong pagbukas niya ng pinto, there was a familiar girl standing on the doorway. Binati siya ni Chelzie bago bigyang daan. Nang makalabas ang doctor, Chelzie came inside.
"Kamusta raw si Levi?" she asked upon closing the door.
"Wala pa ring improvements."
I went back to my seat. Chelzie's still wearing her office attire, malamang dumeretso siya rito galing sa firm. Nilingon ko ang pinto, expecting that someone will come after her.
"You're not with him?"
She smiled timidly. "Maaga akong nag-out."
Lumapit siya sa 'kin. Nakatingin lamang ako kay Levi. Pero ang atensyon ko, nakikiramdam kay Chelzie. Silence engulfed us for a moment. She sighed, ilang beses, bago siya sumuko. 'Di na kinaya ang katahimikan.
I felt her hand on my shoulder.
"Blaire, can we talk?"
Mabilis akong tumango. Inaasahan ko na 'to. For sure, this is about what happened. Tungkol sa fiancee niya. Sa pagtatalo namin kanina. Maybe, nabanggit na sa kaniya ni Kuya.
I don't know what Kuya told her. Hope it wouldn't aggravate the situation. Maloloka na ko kung pati kami ni Chelzie, magkakaproblema rin.
Then it hits me.
Galit sa 'kin si Dad.
Galit sa 'kin si Kuya.
Hindi kaya...
Ako talaga ang may problema?
"I'm sorry kung naabala ko ang pagbabantay mo kay Levi..."
I shook my head and smiled. "It's fine."
And that was when I realized na hindi nga kami okay. Hindi siya basta-basta nagsosorry. And everytime she does, umiikot ang mga mata ko.
Dinala niya 'ko sa canteen ng ospital. Walang masyadong tao. Kung meron man, mga nagpapalipas lang din ng oras. I trailed behind Chelzie. Naupo kami sa pinakasulok, malapit sa aircon. Nagpaalam siya saglit. Pagbalik niya, may dala na siyang paper cups. Nanuot sa ilong ko ang aroma ng kape. And if it was one of our normal days, aasarin ko siya. Hindi naman kasi siya nanlilibre. But it wasn't. Kaya nagpasalamat ako.
Sumimsim siya sa sariling kape. After clearing her throat, ngumiti siya.
"Zuriel..." panimula niya. "He told me that... you are not in good terms right now. Is that true?"
I breathed, pinagkrus ang dalawa kong binti. She knew it. Nanghihingi lang siya ng confirmation.
"It wasn't like that. Nagkasagutan lang kami kanina. He was mad dahil sa nangyari kagabi. And I was frustrated. Masama ang pakiramdam ko. I told him to give me some time. Pero atat siya makipag-usap. Obviously, it didn't turn well," paliwanag ko. "But don't worry, okay? Those were just some of petty stuffs that siblings normally do."
"I know it wasn't normal, Blaire," untag niya. "Hindi magsasabi sa 'kin si Zuriel kung wala lang 'yon. I know him. Hindi siya palasabi ng mga bagay na gumugulo sa isip niya unless he can't take it anymore."
Bumaba ang tingin niya sa paper cup na pinaglalaruan ng kamay niya. Pinanood ko lang siya. I don't know what to say. Anong gusto niyang sabihin. Na bothered din si Kuya? Malamang, sinampal ko siya 'e. That was the first time. Sinagot ko rin siya. Pabalang. Paanong hindi? Hindi niya alam kung gaanong hirap na hirap na ko sa pagpipigil. My emotions were overflowing. Kaso pinili niyang banggitin ang fiancee ko. At pagsalitaan ng masama. That's when my anger reached its peak.
"Can I ask you something?"
I pursed my lips. Tumango ako. She breathed. Kinailangan pa niyang sumimsim sa kape. Bumuntong hininga ulit siya. Bakas ang hirap sa mukha niya. Mukhang siya pa ang pinaka-bothered sa nangyari.
"Was it my fault?"
My jaw fell. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. Pain crossed her eyes, sobrang transparent niya kaya pansin agad 'yon.
Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. I'm aware. 'Yung issues ko naman kasi talaga ang reason kung bakit nangyari ang kagabi. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na ginawa ko lahat. I did everything to keep it to myself. Hindi ko nga siya nagawang banggitin kay Kuya. Paano niya naisip na kasalanan niya 'to?
"I'm not blind..." She barely pulled herself away from the table. "Hindi rin ako bingi, Blaire. Narinig ko na kayo ni Levi noon. Matagal ko na ring napapansin. I know your issues. Dapat matagal na kitang kinumpronta. Pero natakot ako. And partly, nagtatampo." She chuckled.
"Chelz..."
Umiling siya. "Zuriel knows. Napagtalunan na kasi namin 'to noon. Ayoko rin naman kasi 'yung thought na masama loob mo sa kaniya dahil sa 'kin. I thought he understands. Tapos kanina..." Her shoulders fell, then she shrugged, halatang dismayado sa nangyari. "He bursted out. Again. And probably, he realized it after. Nagpunta siya sa 'kin. We talked. Sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam, Blaire. I know he's guilty."
It took long para ma-process ko ang sinabi niya. Sumimsim siya sa kape. I was shocked. Una, alam nila? Pangalawa, pinagtalunan na nila? Bakit hindi nila sinabi sa 'kin? Okay, given the fact na hindi ko rin sinabi sa kanila. But that was because gusto kong sarilihin na lang 'yon! That was my problem. Hindi sa kanila. Pero kung alam naman na pala nila, wala na kong maitatago, dapat sinabi nila! We should've talked about it!
"I know you're thinking that Zuriel wasn't giving a rap with your feelings. Pero maniwala ka sa 'kin, Blaire. I was there. I was with him during the times na nag-aalala siya para sa inyo ni Bailey. I was there noong nagtalo silang dalawa dahil ayaw ni Bailey na umalis ka. I saw how miserable he was dahil wala siyang magawa. Noong hindi pa kami, but I was there to comfort him, alam ko. Alam ko kung gaano siya nahirapan no'ng nag-away sila ng Daddy mo. Alam mo kung bakit?"
Pumikit ako. Parang ayaw tanggapin ng tainga ko ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Kumukuyom ang puso ko. Parang paulit-ulit na pinipiga. And before I knew it, sunod-sunod na ang pag-agos ng luha ko.
Si Kuya.
He's always my weakness.
Kahit noon pa.
"He enrolled you sa Journalism, Blaire. He didn't tell your Dad."
Parang nabasag na pinggan 'yon sa tainga ko.
I was in agape, doubting my ears, hindi makapaniwala. Paulit-ulit na nag-echo sa utak ko ang sinabi niya. Si Kuya... pinasok niya ko sa Journalism? But he told me ayaw niya! Sabi niya, hindi 'yon bagay sa 'kin! He told me! Siya nga ang nagpush sa 'kin na mag-Business!
"You papers weren't totally processed. Nalaman kasi ng Dad mo. And there... galit na galit siya. Noong time na pinalayas niya si Zuriel, naaalala mo?" Hindi ako makasagot, nag-uunahan pababa sa mukha ko ang mga luha ko. Ni hindi ko magawang kumurap. "That was it."
Nakatingin lamang siya sa 'kin. She's weighing my emotion. Alam niya. Noon pa man, si Kuya na ang kahinaan ko. If it wasn't Levi, alam niyang si Kuya ang dahilan kung ba't ako umiiyak. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at yumuko. Gusto kong tumakbo. Kung totoo nga ang mga sinabi niya, wala na kong maihaharap na mukha kay Kuya. I've been burrying it deep within my soul noon pa man. Itong issue na 'to, matagal na kong pinapatay. And it turns out...
"Look... I'm not saying this para tumakbo ka kay Zuriel at magkaayos kayo. I just want you to understand things. Sa totoo lang, Blaire, sarili mo lang ang pinapahirapan mo. I understand that he wasn't showy. Pero sa tuwing nagpapakita siya ng concern, namimisinterpret mo naman. Iniisip mo na ako ang dahilan kahit hindi naman. How can you see how good he is as a brother kung sa tuwing inaayos niya ang relasyon niya sa inyo, 'yung mali ang nakikita niyo?"
It rendered me speechless. Nanatili lang akong nakayuko, hindi makatingin sa kaniya. For a moment, wala akong masabi. Gusto kong isuka lahat ng sinasabi niya. I want to refute. I want to defend myself. Kaso wala akong masabi. Ayaw gumalaw ng dila ko.
"Do you want me to slap you with the truth, Blaire?" Hindi ako sumagot. Nagpatuloy siya. "You're one hell of an insecure sister. Insecure ka. Kay Zuriel. Hindi sa 'kin. You're far from being jealous," she made a point of. Tinignan ko siya. She smiled. "Tama ako di ba? Insecure ka kasi si Zuriel ang palaging nakikita ng mga parents niyo. Insecure ka kasi siya ang palaging magaling. Sa kaniya ka palaging nakukumpara. At dahil insecure ka, hindi mo matanggap lahat ng ginagawa niya para sa 'yo. Everytime he'll show concern, you'd rather think the other way around. Iba ang gusto mong paniwalaan. You keep on convincing yourself that he wasn't all good. Na sa kabila ng pagiging mabuti niyang CEO, anak, at fiancee, he failed to be a good brother."
Her words hit me like an arrow from a bow. My eyes were sore from all the crying. Hindi maampat ang pagluha ko. I parted my lips to speak. But I was damn affected. Wounded amd tongue tied. Para akong trinaydor ng mga salita. Ng sarili kong katawan.
She sighed. Ngumiti siya sa 'kin bago siya tumayo. "I'm not your enemy, Blaire. No one's your enemy. Alam mo kung sinong kaaway mo?" Tinuro niya ako. "Ayan. 'Yang sarili mo. Sarili mo lang din ang nagpapahirap sa 'yo. I'm not telling you this kasi galit ako. I'm more like concern as your friend. I can't stand seeing you like this. I love you both and I felt responsible for what happened."
Kinuha niya ang bag niya at nilampasan ako. Panicked crossed my system. Mabilis akong tumayo at inabot ang palapulsuhan niya.
"Chelz..."
She's stunned. Nagtataka niya kong hinarap. Umiling ako. Hindi siya pwedeng umalis. Not after she guilt-tripped me. I have to apologize. Alam ko na. I was enlightened. Finally. At hindi pwedeng matapos ang araw na 'to nang hindi kami okay. I don't know how to deal with life anymore kung pati kami ni Chelzie, magkakaro'n ng problema.
She rolled her eyes. "Hindi ako aalis. Bibili lang ng pagkain. Ginutom ako sa 'yo."
It was a sigh of relief. Dahan-dahan akong tumango at pinakawalan siya. Umupo ako ulit nang maglakad siya patungo sa counter. Habang naghihintay, inisa-isa ko lahat ng sinabi niya.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita kasi tama siya.
Hindi ako nakasagot kasi tinamaan ako sa sinabi niya.
All this time, I wasn't jealous of Chelzie. Hindi si Chelzie ang problema ko. Hindi ang reputasyon ng pamilya. Truth be told, it was me. And my insecurities. It's just me na pilit pinapaniwala ang sarili ko na unfair si Kuya. I was so insecure dahil siya ang palaging tama. I was so insecure to the point na ginawa ko siyang masamang kapatid. And I used to dwell with the thought. I used to live with the insecurity. Kaya nang lumaon, ako ang nagsuffer. At ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Pinahirapan ko sila.
I grabbed my hair. Yumuko ako habang nakapatong ang siko sa mesa.
Ang toxic.
Ang toxic kong kapatid.
Bumalik si Chelzie at may dala siyang carbonara for two. Binigay niya sa 'kin ang isa at inirapan ako. Pinanood ko lang siyang mag-inarte. Maya-maya, may inabot siya sa 'kin. Nangunot ang noo ko.
"Resibo 'yan. Bayaran mo 'yang carbonara, wala pa 'kong sweldo. Tapos 'yung kape. 15 pesos 'yun do'n sa vendo."
Napangiti ako at tumango. Noon, iniirapan ko siya kapag ganito. Pero ngayon, 'di ko mapigilang matuwa. Guess we're good.
Sumimsim ako sa kape habang pinapanood siyang puluputin ang pasta sa tinidor.
"I'm sorry..." Napatingin siya sa kamay ko. She sighed at muling bumalik sa pagkain. "Don't worry, I'll talk to him. Pero hindi muna ngayon. It was a heated argument. And the fire's still there."
Umismid siya. "And you know it will never stop burning unless someone will cease it."
I smiled timidly. Mag-uusap kami. I'll cease the fire. Pero hindi muna siguro sa ngayon. I have to have a clear mind kapag ginawa ko 'yon. Hindi lang naman ang tungkol sa kagabi ang dapat kong ihingi ng tawad. Marami.
Naging maayos naman ang pag-uusap namin ni Chelzie. She didn't dig furthermore sa naging sagutan namin ni kuya. I don't know if she just wanted to respect my silence or she wasn't asking kasi alam niya na ang lahat. Baka nak'wento na sa kaniya ni kuya nang buo ang pangyayari.
"Mabuti na lang pala nagmagandang loob anak ng driver niyo, no? He helped you out kagabi."
Muntik ko nang maibuga ang nginunguyang pasta. I quickly reached for the cup of coffee na hindi na mainit at nilagok 'yon. As in, literal na binuhos ko 'yon sa lalamunan ko.
"Close kayo?"
Nilagay ko sa likod ng tainga ko ang ilang tikwas ng buhok. I shook my head, 'di siya tinitignan.
"No. Not really. It just happened na sila ang nakakita sa 'kin. He's with friends."
Good thing, she didn't ask for more details. I don't know why, pero 'di ako kumportableng pag-usapan 'yon. I don't think it was a good idea na ikwento sa kaniya. Pakiramdam ko, dapat secret lang 'yon. The connection between me and that young man, hindi naman mahalagang malaman nila.
Natapos lamang ang pag-uusap namin ni Chelzie nang tumawag sa kaniya si Kuya. Natawa ko. Hindi pala alam ni Kuya na nagpunta siya rito. Kuya refrained her from talking to me about what happened. Si Kuya na raw bahala at 'wag na siyang makealam. Little did he know, stubborn ang fiancee niya. Napailing ako. Ngayon nagmamadali siyang umuwi sa unit niya. Pupunta raw kasi do'n si Kuya. Kailangan niyang maunahan.
I was on my way to Levi's room. Kasabay kong pumasok sa elevator ang couple na naglalampungan. I frowned. Sinadya kong paunahin sila para ako ang nasa tapat ng pinto. The door opened when we reached the second floor. Mabuti na lang. Naririndi na mga tainga ko. This girl won't just stop from baby-talking. Kairita.
"Nakaharang ka sa pinto, Miss. Padaanin mo kami ng boyfriend ko."
Kung makapagsabi naman 'to ng boyfriend, akala mo aagawan.
Lihim akong napairap.
Girls, bago kayo mag-assume, siguraduhin niyo naman na kaagaw-agaw 'yang jowa niyo.
I pursed my lips bago umurong para padaanin sila. Sa totoo lang, they were sore to my eyes. Gusto kong ipaalala sa kanila na ospital 'tong napasok nila at hindi motel.
Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang may makitang pamilyar na lalaki. The frame of his body was familiar. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang marealize kung sino.
The door of the elevator was still widely open. May mga pumapasok pa rin kasi kaya natagalan. My eyes lingered to the familiar man. He was wearing a white v-neck shirt at denim pants. He just went out of a room kasama ang isang lalaki na nakasuot ng unipormeng puti.
Jehoram was listening to the doctor attentively. Sinulyapan ko ang doctor na seryosong nagsasalita. He was explaining something habang pinapakita ang hawak na papel. Sa tindig ni Jehoram, I can say that he was about to leave.
Anong ginagawa niya rito?
I was deeply curious. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit siya nandito. If it was really him na nakikita ng mga mata ko ngayon, it's possible na hindi nga ako naghahallucinate noong nakita ko siya sa labas ng Chinese restaurant.
Tapos na silang mag-usap ng doktor. He turned his back from the doctor and our eyes were about to meet kung hindi lang sumara nang bigla ang pinto.
My heart's pacing changed from normal to a faster rhythm. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but I suddenly felt nervous. I badly want to ask kung bakit siya nandito at bakit may kausap siyang doktor. Based on what I observed, it was something serious.
Was he sick?
I tightened my grip to the handle of my Chanel bag. I wasn't concern, okay? I don't care. Fine. Let's say that I care kasi bothered ako. But I wasn't concern. I was just... curious.
Maybe this was just the guilt. Guilty ako kasi tinulungan niya ako kagabi at kanina and unfortunately, I forgot to say thanks.
But hell.
That doesn't mean na concern ako, okay? I surely am not. Hell, why would I?
***
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3XnKMXr38W
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMR91Su367K
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxKcQy9QV0
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNErVYLwLC
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeL6iAcWfB1
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdNbutMNXU
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DzsWglO36
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450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IGuPw1BHG
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Ephesians 4:32 |450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcduqDK60mC
450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFgDxDbzS2
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
