惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuOEw4YqwT
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但特殊得來，又不叫人驕傲的特別331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdr0SGBXDjT
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童年、成長、至今，我深知自己和其他人的不同，正因如此，我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgk9Bm5j6q
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪，只是不一樣的，所謂之「特別」，往往引人恐懼，危險的出現331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyoZXbCrac
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因為不同，意味改變331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKuXLYoG0R
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難，但又想克服，就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7vcIdVbr6
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卻現實中，是沒有可能發生此種事，萬物不由己生，正如沒有不勞而獲，其之獲的勞，純粹不是由自己付出而已331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4Vm2nxbLg
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這道理331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWHACvvLd5
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我是明白的331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhKxoi2Vpx
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但又現實中，我做不了什麼，我無法展現自己在這方面的認知331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNd0yGM1HL
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—— 啪喇 ——331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gFjGKucsm
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「廢物！」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCNQaIKnBr
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎？！」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cG7PajHK4
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見玻璃零碎散落，深紅沾在純黑的地毯，清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發，暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地，儘管而言並非直對此方，隱約可見利片刺中了自己331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DI1kokNP6
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了，作反了哦？！」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxKBV71WIU
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦？！」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpg0yLiflfO
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「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgF0xjWpZa
「該死⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6P6pCoe7PN
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使力擦著額，短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子，「咻」一聲扯開櫃門，反手便伸入其中，撥開文具，翻走書本，往當中內最深處伸去331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYA0skUphn
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞，還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門，女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏，同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒，像口紅的造型，倒是金屬製，畢竟說到底才非打份用331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0UNoSuaTp
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖，拇指彈上開蓋，倒轉在煙斗的填裝位，一滴331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JTLqlFBoo
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMDZCUm7eu
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雜草味，燒靑草的氣味，少許攻鼻，但並不濃，再者也未到刺激的程度，單純是蠻有葉綠味而已，連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在，室內散佈最強烈的，唯有植物的味道
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背對自己，她抽著煙斗，看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層，當然整座大廈也是己業前提，地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置，是可以看到海景，朝向東邊的海藍天，以及遠方一帶沿海的密集，高樓大廈又有，不起眼的小方塊亦有，熊本縣的各沿海城市，整個一起，掃望而入眼內331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCvWxYYuzf
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但她不同，她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人，自己所想的奇怪，然而又有其論點，要說的話，就是她擁有著不同自己，過於複雜而與別不同的想法331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoH3Nk9KJ1E
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作風不一，思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面，而是這兒，這層，剛好不高於窗戶所面向，商店街的頂蓋，的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口，各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚，嘛，無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道，我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了，不但引起了刑警的注意，還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動，現在回望，嘛，還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmKbQ1fcw9
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抑或說，是我一直以來，低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZvzjzdrK7
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山松組的力量331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcUP1mRF5L
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀？混帳⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ct5lRpr0d
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回神過來，她已經坐了在那辦工椅上，左腳放右腳膝頭，口中濃吐淡煙，即使口氣稍安定，放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00OtP7J6ok
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她是我的姐姐331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9tbSYVqhW
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山松組的老大331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsunM8KbJ7
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大和英加331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCWPjxehQr
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「說話啊」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoA8DMl2QfK
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央百花331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHtXdTV8vT
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我努力地站在原處，就這樣一聲不吭，但是視線一交上，就看不了更多，看不到，尋找不到視線可聚落之處，可是呢，她可還生氣著，直對自己331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCb4WnCPJeO
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這，一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間，反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJkrCXeatP
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「⋯⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYH99UbfgR
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出，曾有再多的話，希望反駁、說理，又說不出，不在她面前331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6Vx5JizGn
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我不只是害怕，畢竟目前為止，一生中最敬重，亦最不喜歡的，也是她，我的姐姐331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeIrCJzCO3
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她為我做了很多，太多，甚至我了解，自己所認知的，只是整幅拼圖的一小塊331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNisowEJcCW
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理應我該做好自己就好了，對她來說是最好了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVbHMmJWOr
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所以說，我到底做了什麼？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP8kn6PN4A
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我在反叛嗎？可能331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73lfdR53wL
為了什麼？
為了什麼⋯？
成為些什麼的身分？
為了她的認同？
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KeGIxwSRI
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但困難就是自己331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxzH4Y5fKY
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所以才裝模作樣，卻又成了反效果，或是說，我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情，而衝進去做331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJ4YMeEhkx
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我做事沒腦根、理性，是後來的事情，日益嚴重，動不動就動氣，感性行事，這樣子便不用想了，不用想太多了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsTEPeGsaT
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不用去想更多平時的負面了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqUCNskXx8
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單憑感覺行事331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBc2ncqzry
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法，自己的得失，將來的後果，麻煩的各種331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9mMkBS49q
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhjnbnsVdb
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確實地問我，是不是很想孤立自己？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GaZUFllDt
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別開玩笑331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZlmIxjg3M
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但我有選擇嗎？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkBxHGrPKc
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我，注定混混噩噩過日子的自己，大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSSTgRSTPt
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不過單是自己也是331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzM8jhJWmDB
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我不想這樣子331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dRNukwyEa
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlfzP7lgyc
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但對自己來說，所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天，也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎？
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當初的命運已經被注定，因為自己是大和氏，因為和那混帳有關係，因為⋯因為331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKN4xOxIdQ
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqNjvjqwvq
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沒有能力331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfsWvFGdNV
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一直以來也是331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3l9yut8UgX
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我⋯⋯331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71AAYlLbvM
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我331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWpDMiQFxM
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我根本沒有選擇331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1g3e4iqhTL
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現在的話，選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoFobhjidk
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算啦⋯331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTczMNrZlB
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定，一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9OLv17zXi
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怎也沒所謂了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsqtTy5oEq
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「⋯算了」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0n3BSyoccY
「我要出去食晚飯了」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx13DKUxqe
「你打算怎樣子呢」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HtGMzRf3L
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「⋯⋯嗯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUMIRM8zvi
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沒所謂了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUHcPeQzyO
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「⋯⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkLfNV9v9k
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jNxnfmsod
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGEt0Ni7dY
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反正331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKg736wfHhx
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「⋯」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq3ujerEuU
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「笨蛋」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPqCGr9WJc
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