惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsINqhIv0JP
329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKRmCsd7cc
但特殊得來，又不叫人驕傲的特別329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3uRfoWlXE
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童年、成長、至今，我深知自己和其他人的不同，正因如此，我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzlPnQ2c3I
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪，只是不一樣的，所謂之「特別」，往往引人恐懼，危險的出現329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZncygroCeF
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因為不同，意味改變329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0qWpNMh7l
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難，但又想克服，就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQWSzKOxpq
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卻現實中，是沒有可能發生此種事，萬物不由己生，正如沒有不勞而獲，其之獲的勞，純粹不是由自己付出而已329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKcrmX4YxO
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這道理329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3JY0ZAA9L
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我是明白的329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlB6cBMcEJp
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但又現實中，我做不了什麼，我無法展現自己在這方面的認知329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVjnE7K15h
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—— 啪喇 ——329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrMQ6uqUcO
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「廢物！」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoGuPLNMu6
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎？！」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN79xr1qXY
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見玻璃零碎散落，深紅沾在純黑的地毯，清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發，暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地，儘管而言並非直對此方，隱約可見利片刺中了自己329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo37uPKCPP
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了，作反了哦？！」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDv2DiqOYg
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦？！」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xAjOgucNW
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「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名？」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP00teJfO3X
「該死⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0ehlJuSB5
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使力擦著額，短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子，「咻」一聲扯開櫃門，反手便伸入其中，撥開文具，翻走書本，往當中內最深處伸去329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcaZpVkdhS
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞，還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門，女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏，同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒，像口紅的造型，倒是金屬製，畢竟說到底才非打份用329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWvZAEO1hy
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖，拇指彈上開蓋，倒轉在煙斗的填裝位，一滴329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IULiDJhBu
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYx2eOmBkMW
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雜草味，燒靑草的氣味，少許攻鼻，但並不濃，再者也未到刺激的程度，單純是蠻有葉綠味而已，連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在，室內散佈最強烈的，唯有植物的味道
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背對自己，她抽著煙斗，看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層，當然整座大廈也是己業前提，地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置，是可以看到海景，朝向東邊的海藍天，以及遠方一帶沿海的密集，高樓大廈又有，不起眼的小方塊亦有，熊本縣的各沿海城市，整個一起，掃望而入眼內329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3MRehuXj0
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但她不同，她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人，自己所想的奇怪，然而又有其論點，要說的話，就是她擁有著不同自己，過於複雜而與別不同的想法329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQ1EQcBplR
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作風不一，思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面，而是這兒，這層，剛好不高於窗戶所面向，商店街的頂蓋，的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口，各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚，嘛，無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道，我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了，不但引起了刑警的注意，還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動，現在回望，嘛，還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNcXqMvxjW
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抑或說，是我一直以來，低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ284AXdYGAJ
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山松組的力量329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVbz5NSByF
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀？混帳⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUzYOYXG28
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回神過來，她已經坐了在那辦工椅上，左腳放右腳膝頭，口中濃吐淡煙，即使口氣稍安定，放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbp2a5AGAGT
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她是我的姐姐329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQyb6LySdq
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山松組的老大329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VfNXBleoX
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大和英加329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOzvk9dYhU
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「說話啊」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEvPXiOyEn
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央百花329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6ZjPRGmRG
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我努力地站在原處，就這樣一聲不吭，但是視線一交上，就看不了更多，看不到，尋找不到視線可聚落之處，可是呢，她可還生氣著，直對自己329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHwWdkDAVh
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這，一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間，反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlYOkmufh5
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「⋯⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡimG4sVbcEr
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出，曾有再多的話，希望反駁、說理，又說不出，不在她面前329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCb5BrpIx8O
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我不只是害怕，畢竟目前為止，一生中最敬重，亦最不喜歡的，也是她，我的姐姐329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmfoerGP4a
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她為我做了很多，太多，甚至我了解，自己所認知的，只是整幅拼圖的一小塊329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAu3ZHW72s
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理應我該做好自己就好了，對她來說是最好了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmn0xVsiJft
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所以說，我到底做了什麼？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0IHqvH4V7m
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我在反叛嗎？可能329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExQafUotLP
為了什麼？
為了什麼⋯？
成為些什麼的身分？
為了她的認同？
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfuDELxBLg
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但困難就是自己329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MCu2U1DjL
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所以才裝模作樣，卻又成了反效果，或是說，我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情，而衝進去做329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqqMPmYUqo
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我做事沒腦根、理性，是後來的事情，日益嚴重，動不動就動氣，感性行事，這樣子便不用想了，不用想太多了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bjPm0oLOf
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不用去想更多平時的負面了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbVNrBUOXe
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單憑感覺行事329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMe6FszaFSn
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法，自己的得失，將來的後果，麻煩的各種329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEN9UElmGiW
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5FyY2V34H
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確實地問我，是不是很想孤立自己？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2q0N26b0a
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別開玩笑329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6eY4Tdiyd
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但我有選擇嗎？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vLbQs3pOo
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我，注定混混噩噩過日子的自己，大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧？329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LMnkrnmZw
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不過單是自己也是329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIyjkXHK98
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我不想這樣子329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDB3cTlfr3C
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VmUaA8gNZ
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但對自己來說，所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天，也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎？
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當初的命運已經被注定，因為自己是大和氏，因為和那混帳有關係，因為⋯因為329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWyjMWzXUk
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsQaiBJlk7
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沒有能力329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnclKqSCmT
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一直以來也是329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsKHqY5dD8
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我⋯⋯329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVa6hJdJhM2
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我329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEQ71QL3am
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我根本沒有選擇329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRoAAp5p1a
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現在的話，選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwa8WqWIj5Y
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算啦⋯329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqE5goagOLN
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定，一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9u2jpjdqr
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怎也沒所謂了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEEsDtEHJX
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「⋯算了」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsU3yizLIN4
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「你打算怎樣子呢」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Zh3MCIljJ
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「⋯⋯嗯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtGirKSiML
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沒所謂了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnh2XCu7Q9
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96iKsS1YdZ
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwpuCyAg4X
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反正329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8F1WqVxy2
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「⋯」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtuKOdQshh
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「笨蛋」329Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMsrkFFs2i
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