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下班回家，淋浴。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXS5Pb2prv
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyPnGQXOkX
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFgL8FCnF6
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85XaVsAT3n
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCwT0f4Tqj
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Nb5moOz6N
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYmxIjlL7O
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsiVxrLnSB
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5od0jyZUw
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGI9YtrYJ7H
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRIfTOd1WE
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlylY5quq4d
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6kmgaiG26
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHGslNBaZn
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxsMAiRGKH
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaeMQ6exsx
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XXZM9M2sr
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7nBNbVFhA
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGaY9fflRm
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfkNXlRw4p
啪——啪——419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6dWn598zlq
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvEUwO5zG5
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7gnBgHnbd
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1PjUNyt7F
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2Hvo81G9H
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsIetypW9O
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7Zus0f9C3
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXAnBy9I83
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUq6ku00Sj
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8oWuCenAR
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1BvhOEDVh
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJJlVz9c1Z
算了吧。沒所謂。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Dul6dONld
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzOzIiUWvZ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaRygIDJ9U
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9U6nobsVk
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4vvSQa6Yu
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWUyRnWHfE
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTR4wdNTef
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRcyrt1JG6
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZkwxrlDD7
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bLLLzdgSK
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BBJNPrO9W
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFmLz7kzCo
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4ZFU9V3PR
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA25AfK7W9x
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78ovMLTNwk
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjpZbnZ1Mp
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3UVoWMSCK
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshRgzofvA0
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmp9M0nIu9N
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuDTgYg6M4
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4H3XHnL3G
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ew2G8DlNk
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5D43mzimM
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFjtJ7rVuO
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSrinveUgV
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmuTA4dRAA
我頭也不回開門離家。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRThh6toCO
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsKW3jSI9y
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClxCjP56op
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4zG4Pwc30
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tdWSRmJLC
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNDwXQ0sie
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAJEr8UOF2
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVb55OAlEwj
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtRa2BLDTU
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKu2biLD1Lt
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcf5T1UBhxA
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRb2AYoY1go
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZoSppSQsE
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCN1R36VvQ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfNBhj9aC3
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rl2boQ8pY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1E1KqNSPvC
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEhKXgIT23
「你不開心？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLq9AKBUWzS
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWi1HiJGks
「是的。但與你無關。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KQUi64MZc
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8OrklPLFq
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxCn9pZXFx
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkotXVUWl1Y
「還有菸嗎？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUp1ygtZRtS
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8DkTDhbfN
「有。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jxwyZVbPu
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA56y9mQ8Wx
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbkXQ20UpR
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIvPS9V42d
「俊仔還好嗎？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1XjjCs7yp
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoIKIw1Rmp
「與你無關。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuR0d6mmbF
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9DecHFM4m
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS2xMXnhSP
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjUKMauQHG
我幽幽一笑。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaYB0tCHp9
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJlkvBpR7yy
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iREuBLCVS
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKzN3EmzKR
「多少？我付！」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPSD5zGOTx
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLfSDjNIMB
「五萬七千五百元。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhFj6nq0W8
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIRGKdUvuY
「好！沒問題！小意思！」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYrXVRp920
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6E19KGX9LX
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv38GHgEBRo
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1PZg0MHiI
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOzyZFegxr
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKWi5QdEMc
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlNkVVvt6r
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnXEcL9Mva
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTi5rEwR0XF
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98a1Uj5Eqj
「阿顧，對不起。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjp0nQ0aBJ
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpuZrC0Nor
「道歉有屁用！」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZChDNJDoR
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiS0PCJTLK
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAegF9Ouah
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFQPkcC4E8
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoGJSzrjEP
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBACwd7aY9
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjs2pX0mTTt
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXe2ddxG9tB
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGi6QyBZ6ty
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5kdlTCFAk
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFyBfNaIEm
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQvgtT2mGc
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lxpETwquF
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmb3T6xm0Y
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKWx1ebJVN
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkSOOlcv45
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHx6PcrGSed
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NoWA4mPBA
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUocsAqkf0
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ89Ow5u0xt
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4W55fwyydw
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBX5jtgoB9
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRhSio6OR3
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XXUIkT7qq
我活該……我活該……我活該……419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVz4fqfg5n
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhJqs9z8UM
我如此催眠自己。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtiYirCwix
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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