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下班回家，淋浴。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25iihZyi7t
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTd4uVcPg8p
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FsFiZioD7
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2yvXpbOeR
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtzdp3ZCvc
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6pN3qRViY
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNsgsGE8AE
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMmbrb6Cbe
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBiTCdDRSH
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKBByB5syw
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQ84yFUkwL
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhPjeM3PJH
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9yqVnb2oT
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnwV3tZcQz
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJGnRZxj32
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fWQkxeOYO
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCe7UAuygCk
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfNO4scZn6
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNu2s3evlM
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpxePHhEf1
啪——啪——422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsGXYGvvAh
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2KjuPjyYs
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJi2Gb5o4o9
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFkAopOVpQ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8m1iL2nlp
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQgZbPTR9K
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmOnShYzYD
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2Nz2b0fDL
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3rrhwFBaZ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbV3ahvTXB0
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5D6XcSMGY
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhG4M1USFMN
算了吧。沒所謂。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJodpjG0Srw
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4d4Kkh05b
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhDvcQBdjc
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRAiX9VexN
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEamYmKAtU
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkad5VfdoAg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Os7xwdqB8
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ8bAtQ8hm
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFmnqLfM5I
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbXXDJx6o4
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfD1NofcbR
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDfTB5n31q
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33sC7DVHEW
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl38IJaauOQ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRiUnSG87F
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTwG8S5jJm
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIJhRKwGKa
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOvPUI4iJm
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvAfxoz1x8
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQspemV1Wwc
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXsJdLDkZO
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6xpcLqi79
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3PoH8ndtQ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjnfWeLUJ4
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyhLZl2XFn
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmKbJTSEpR
我頭也不回開門離家。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSl6u50Xn1
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIjbRkMhQN
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYBA7We7do
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8HZe5Ot0y
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ja5rrusjE
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0IuZbpRU01
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5cxlGVCN8
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYWZ5TaYJ2
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveeOwsjUzb
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUA2xJuDPw7
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9sztcCmFw
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDOwLfPFIw
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpz5Y8rdBif
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8U5lzgZDb
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCihrrI6OLA
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijPBmZj7Oy
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzSl2oSfcr
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAkbCh2eH0
「你不開心？」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqGHMKrHhK
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3YmzD0dhQ
「是的。但與你無關。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSoiAn3Kyx
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vLklam6hA
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesjs52NwUZ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5XYJmI6iZ
「還有菸嗎？」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmGenPD7H9
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCS2LTFHCV
「有。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7fJmDKUve
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEkU06OPv8
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zjHBv3vir
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySFJWQ6Y6i
「俊仔還好嗎？」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGmVFEvnjm
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BA6mkpTpO
「與你無關。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAatfmxOomI
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTaJwH4Yqq
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9CsbxVTo7
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiKP1QFrLc
我幽幽一笑。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOmNCrmRyZ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULGIXXqTzP
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnn1RAJdYR
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60BQAQsZ6r
「多少？我付！」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWEk5nXzTA
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEEtkIjT8w
「五萬七千五百元。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrzuHSnoS8
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcBS9KJEcl
「好！沒問題！小意思！」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jAE3MiL6S
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLXDB5RRKN
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1BH5sQS9e
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXryNYeXcuq
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyXlXThFlh
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ThTpX4cGJ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoa7PWw6Aa
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i5BH6yTMR
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqCy10r18g
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKIAlZYql1
「阿顧，對不起。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjof24jBmKk
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9zDZHjPOR
「道歉有屁用！」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2nm2qSAzk
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJEZmgnuaK
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsyx7NFk15
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHbF1BZ0os
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhZKo48M7V
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4xYVyqh77
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsPApOd3cs
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNpRte9dy7
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uy0ex4KKP
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbAmTBn1a5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPmDGAhvMW
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcUae8tbsa
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxXD8Ez0Vv
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenyPipcf3I
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86lWJsFT6q
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHwRduRb2Q
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7azMudSgn
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQMRt0IHBg
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Z35tKerTQ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLU2QNKNHR
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzajHByChq4
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGef8b3PZd6
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsWoaVn33C
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TdkcQuQdq
我活該……我活該……我活該……422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61slE93zjJ
422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CXGhZwxRw
我如此催眠自己。422Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjwJ6C8WGn
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns18.220.1.197da2
