下班回家，淋浴。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMLJ9zevBf
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SLHFXgQev
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTw9jMDBqLX
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtFWHl1prm
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQYz9dZrmw
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lLGWbX0cN
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCCFWnGPfk
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeQ9byGLsg
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAYhZ83tOV
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡax8JD8fZYv
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGuMB0IqBN
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7e4BULuQM
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnssQ3wHlSU
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25lfAv3OiY
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9k4SmQj81q
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8Wa3C8n7E
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkintWUftbX
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCt2FgOHbnS
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHILowizasf
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN5y7Jns79
啪——啪——501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYjrktAS7R
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbLp4RRjoF
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuptreXRVRP
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5O71WBsHr
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIh82Mu7kAC
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAveWxJg1M
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2ZTm00Fes
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCq1U1gNZj
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDtCHzRPJi
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyzKThgFA3
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlh1sidGK7E
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxBTwtbFB5
算了吧。沒所謂。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCeS7NIoWL
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2UTJFe744
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTZnRfZ9sD
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkGLufNGuk
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmy0x8FDLzk
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBo7soYfz1y
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBxsdeITT3
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJj14QGQD6E
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJvz9U3oFR
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVqtZbGDLP
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxxxPKwNNi
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNakE3JYhyK
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6n2PZ4HBey
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueJCXjOG7Z
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6FOcrDabF
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiICSIAFGc
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYArfG0HxYN
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqaVFKyYb6
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRmC0HCBx6
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs63IxSnDxo
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNiZyNT5Zg
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXj3yiznYo
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs7LPiSAFI
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOolNiCust
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtJZmJHdKc
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1eqJ91TuO
我頭也不回開門離家。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7PYVngthL
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6wVcjmmiP
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlVWtDNRUa
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcE21DBflP
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2sMvuFAHE
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpraTeXhfR
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKobVi4OvvS
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8n3GOIHfB
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LH0wMdcBM
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodPf8rPW3v
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YtNBeHWUH
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP82B6kpnn
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXRY8ycgoK
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSXDatzhXL
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3q2pidu3RY
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkwBbC61ki
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucSlSNsjU9
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmMgmU7Eos
「你不開心？」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HT929X1QD
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTK5urZVWF
「是的。但與你無關。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrfsIXwLJd
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi48BMTCgz3
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyy1BYHdWcp
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTgtVzRZ3D
「還有菸嗎？」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkwNk3s3wv
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHlg7NglKf
「有。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVT8FMRPiCr
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVSp92X5tU
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmgIjP6F7o
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpKQhsbNPJ
「俊仔還好嗎？」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHxZ2399O7
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Orlh2CZ3o
「與你無關。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorrlCuMoAD
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7V94E9cVA
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgUFxW7UbA
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRj33wBgDKZ
我幽幽一笑。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtVcUyQae1
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaclp53SCqd
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwOiHmSBhe
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpA14vbbyB
「多少？我付！」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcYrhh3VNI
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHncPo1unuZ
「五萬七千五百元。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yNQlWCqP0
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1r3O9q5yyj
「好！沒問題！小意思！」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjq3gmXDmi
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMHYRoWobb
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WEMVW2gsQ
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHzaboEuhz
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5Dte7xKf3
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7FHZmMADB
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHeKhwfBMS
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6tnxmapgP
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHagKxPhxg
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2MZwUG7os
「阿顧，對不起。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1susvlB0N
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJklNNV52yt
「道歉有屁用！」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLNfEZL5kp
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJzPVb4IPu
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvXezy1aEV
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoDE8wOdSi
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNXWGJ40lb
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcS2l0BkKQl
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54BXKUmFKt
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqyg5yKs7V
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDY9VK9QsF
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSLsRq4ED4
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06Tvhspby9
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS25A0nJiLN
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffeakORKHg
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmX1KoQLGW
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCgIArk8He
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7fkbBhH7z
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWM8fU2vwA
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQWCPHGQ9x
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8Zxl5ex7M
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL7ZnPHp0J
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ip0HWQOjX
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW19wQgsxBg
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7UdnX69TB
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNXQZ8qfQg
我活該……我活該……我活該……501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuRfsTGvXU
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoEh0y57nj
我如此催眠自己。501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSLLvtD6Su
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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