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下班回家，淋浴。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtShUL2LEIL
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwo2Mz9K2xJ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cCh8Lmz3l
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgtoKHmNrQ
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5z8odUGZrN
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEj8HuudsK5
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yhXZvBO0y
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGpRCDmWat
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CroIWFYrG
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7n1WN0oP7
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjU2gMf1Ehi
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUs9YxCTueS
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXeRQXnoV6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzbtais1mM
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdb2M1c6PH2
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJ3rWulVcW
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKG9vDsvDKp
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgj9WpKWbR
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BVcZ4eB9y
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9lLHKEoCt
啪——啪——464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vWxLXp8Vq
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDf6xtKXsf
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2D7s9qf0a
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEWJyBbqBi
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUOTKlJzmf
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSO42r6Eho
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5CG7IcDrx
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJP02vxXLX1
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDal0qDKta
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjtzj1gmBvo
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbJsQmf868
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVr06tbEIlC
算了吧。沒所謂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmW9MHgKkgv
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInehqDCx8t
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4mLGQQXPn
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kGGjcMlrG
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsfYLcHE17
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNbGrOFGCJ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKO2ZS6sy2I
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DGpDihrKm
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bDeTKN6T9
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwN0sd1Yh06
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCflnNWUOE2
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjZzAy3a73
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioYyGcb4qt
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKQKMpaEIT
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyIrj7kxR2
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7NWSGBTPO
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8N3aq7eOBD
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReaGmDUWJT
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZD7lI2ry28
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ie8o6mTMv
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmp9K9GXIUz
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3hALa6owO
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcmH2KmDcC
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiL3lgyhTCU
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0PVKWEbNX
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBeeRaCIYg
我頭也不回開門離家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbybMSbMv8
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEWFkCClVP
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQtypQnQf7
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWbpIMIkP2
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGytD1NmmX6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKyku7geJd
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuklJ3UJqpz
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsgRiCzjkR
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvPzmcZIyv
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZecaE7i61
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ataSQ5YzV
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85a6qr1o9M
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuW5QBlhC2
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJZrW333lT
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDMulwf4qO
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PM4tUjF3I
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfAKWJxB3p
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjL5SMzA8Jt
「你不開心？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTHryhUeNU
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb4weH12TJ
「是的。但與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaxu6YkfHf
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdN7WCnLxX
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVA3JuI6aQ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44mlSEThb0
「還有菸嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFPS08xyW6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1xAiOBWsP
「有。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zBLQfI3oY
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJ9tsZEz9o
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1zRdBiKAA
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TvCVYssba
「俊仔還好嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45sJfgExCJ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbsSfFdIk5
「與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBHHZnJmcE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gSkCsdbV7
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgf3dEyWXUy
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpjCKOWLhJ
我幽幽一笑。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiysdzMIac3
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhG6uDXhT7
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMSgVFRYQz
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUF58BNPV9C
「多少？我付！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTL7lEA51E
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxadBZPX2SH
「五萬七千五百元。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2P0mBLbhS
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWF4cbEf19
「好！沒問題！小意思！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheG3ObuIoP
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMA7ylhDXA7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rLoczs42p
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiDZaL03jg
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpawinaDCHL
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8xHmAqcPu
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUIZ8f8sLf
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9yjfWsCFi
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgfwqp0nbO
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxgvfChC63
「阿顧，對不起。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWc56SQnsQ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQJOYhexzl
「道歉有屁用！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JKICL3IIm
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNq96FFckCt
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nsoqLy22r
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ATdr4J2p8
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aqk5V2zno
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3cbhLOXyH
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahjqtLVrSR
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56lMlbrXgJ
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AJJzHQGu4
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qZUluNqe7
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiVyed5ehI
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcD90gBe0Fd
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVp5sAXHUZE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoF7ZFs6Sq
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIMryRDWDH
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dUlvyDBOI
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xjatZRFTC
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1fjMPjwaZ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafWahDzqqg
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzqR0JXGVc
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadNjtZWet1
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9csb7GKhXn
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhd5EKNl2I
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPteY6jfb6M
我活該……我活該……我活該……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWurVT3iqKf
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ky7eSyngu
我如此催眠自己。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12XBVqjQqE
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.176da2
