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下班回家，淋浴。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRmFgGEfuA
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFCfTAQ9FD
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFdzcWbVJW
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJeeDmFIuS
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGS2aVB0hz
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFhgslxbDk
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh577sd6ECy
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOF1dLBQlnC
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6ayctdBmk
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlO4uYkqTzC
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhprGiurxM
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUAFaJtLlw
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYV1yNc5pG
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgqbOaQce7
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7YyJ600Cm
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7i7y1GiAJ8
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuU8jp7fTDF
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sp07DowWa
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDonSALuGc
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwKkxfFw2y
啪——啪——421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabhygPmcQa
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwne6hYLx3
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8T0bC78gHO
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHX5VxjOHS
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamDtjfsEEq
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHTvVS2Ayt
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDp5U6rYW4
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwWlCoQURH
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyo9o5Gu9S
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsWkLNooSg
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6BGXV8mlC
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9slOKZ2Jdz
算了吧。沒所謂。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxatEngpz9
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdppHyPp90
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRnhzY3Udh
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1Qk43Xivu
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uLdqLJGtM
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKneAJYNiTE
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaqktCUpuz
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3kmues3B8
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQ2Cfy0m89
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32OHutyYfU
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEtXVeJncz
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMObaguyI42
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvCPDInOAl
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmzSdHu3M2
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWROnFvk1J
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLqbOVRvPN
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJwPdZyO87
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoP3VPjpdCU
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydAXxt2fyS
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8IPYLiQSe
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqv3JjOW20t
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5huLnFRfj
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgqXvdxEqG
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkUm65BRGu
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInaeu7W4Sq
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HnGd8MouR
我頭也不回開門離家。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ14yrfll5K
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tH2d5rSdc
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0erDPciAA1
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJNTqdhp8q
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEanqdLQBK
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsGLT4gRRQ
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3yqSxboQV
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Qd47QugXo
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd66aPPGmHk
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZJWEmDQA1
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡib2eoHbvAk
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrkByQOhRcW
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEILs12VAGr
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5qTck2eNB
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKrvSNnmBr
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4AdYoJLRK
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMA70K2zXI
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAM5ZT9va3o
「你不開心？」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5aj9QWUZQ
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiW95RghaqN
「是的。但與你無關。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡja2OUwTUh4
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1MwTabBXm
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjnQxTTOtI
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkoR9y2VJg
「還有菸嗎？」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqAY9O6RPW
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfZ3i2rFuc
「有。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwbw1D4KNM
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5bOXTAnlV
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24MsBVJIyN
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMR7ZdBsfON
「俊仔還好嗎？」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85nlG4UD7n
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzGxwgmIwO
「與你無關。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYI43s8S3GD
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOoCP21uFA
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlSAqxIX3I
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgg5NjYWwD
我幽幽一笑。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdptZj1cxZs
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60lVN9A9A2
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGK6oTi3od
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDkW3nXrP4
「多少？我付！」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyfSToN22I
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnfblhPsLm
「五萬七千五百元。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3OudUSfzN
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGCgcJidch
「好！沒問題！小意思！」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeeSXYSJcc
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPwjgT1QS4
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXHBROoNtd
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7MOcjq4mL
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG9nopKBuz
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyvWm0PW1K
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79J051KsxB
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3X5SIGJfPr
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7jpLB0FJZ
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxC9Arak9kJ
「阿顧，對不起。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjTZMw6gOY
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tqELAv4jQ
「道歉有屁用！」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTG4wuq0lv
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBKNQQ7119
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7T2iqs5DB
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTA98I4Zket
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQYKCwkKMz
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtV9AFqls9b
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoALAxihOL
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa65S9fpr8w
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgHQVzZvKm
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwsvOYweGO
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucZ5v0p44B
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIDB80okno
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHjoz6kwSW
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFenwUoSI5
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQtzeNvsXc
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzKIgGveqs
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ925FAaGrR
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnofIQMmhy
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCS6ZCSgpU
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoufePm24c
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1l86f72d8
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCj80FEmciU
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBUEQgyuOl
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfOmJGgCj7
我活該……我活該……我活該……421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpxoitZn18
421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1XmfpPKg9
我如此催眠自己。421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJlepeuHTk
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns52.14.238.102da2
