她叫張漫青,別人都會很親切地叫她「青青」;是一個大學二年級學生。1012Please respect copyright.PENANARpItQKqlp2
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和前度分手之後,她也有嘗試和男生約會,畢竟她的情感需求並不少,需要與人相愛才能感到安全;但是,那些人都並非真心或純粹地喜歡她。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAawKm8BItoG
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例如,Leo是她的組員,需要一同完成功課。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAANuS62CbzA
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二人在網上連線聊着揀選什麼資料時,他時常都會插入曖昧的話語;有時,她稱讚隔籬組同學人品很好,他就會說:「邊個夠你好啊?我都想要一個好似你咁樣的女朋友。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAugmaFSruPz
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重重複複,他竟然說不厭,但她已經聽到煩。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAf84PujS3Ks
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青青尷尬:「唔好講呢啲啦,快啲做嘢。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAA6qZBz3E7P
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「OKOK,做完先講。係呢,你冇男朋友咩?」他總是沒法專心做功課。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA9LowefwLNM
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「冇。」她只怕爛grade。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAFweJDR7l9D
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「點解會冇㗎。我抵諗啲啦……」1012Please respect copyright.PENANApSTAWZei4g
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「你就想。」青青想起Leo的Instagram裏,有一張團體合照,其中,他與一個女生哄得特別埋。直覺告訴她,他應該有女朋友——這或許與預感無關,是她不願再聽見他的曖昧話語。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAGF6Qgo2yI1
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她試探地問:「你有女朋友㗎,唔好講呢啲啦。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAqyxA7Xgi51
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「咦,你又知我有女朋友嘅,哈哈。」他呆住,然後尷尬地笑了兩下,承認。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAwDRiU3lpFH
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她也笑,慶幸Leo並非純熟的玩家,面前直接的提問時,還是會露怯。她可不想因為「傾多兩句」就背負了與他人男友親近的罪名,如果Leo真有女友,她會更小心一點說話。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA6E3TxstHZD
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這段時間裏,她遇見許多人,新識、舊故,無往不利;多聊幾句,就似無法擁有純粹的友誼。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAJgVkO4jAV3
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又譬如,青青與同事Dennis十分投契,工作沉悶,可是他總會來找她聊幾句。有次,他看見她在座位上蜷縮一團,轉頭就給她買熱飲和暖包。回家之後,更是主動地找她吹水,覆得很快。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAsZhuzHDpHR
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他經常發表單身宣言,她便沒有拘緊地與他相處;她不用再擔心他是別人的男友,以免誤傷另一個無辜女生。1012Please respect copyright.PENANATjkuoRSdhN
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「點解你Instagram唔Po嘢嘅?」Dennis問青青。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAf5s41N3AkO
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「Err…冇嘢好Po啊。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAD6e21PdX1K
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「如果你Po咗,我咪有多一個藉口搵你傾偈囉,可以覆吓你啲story吖嘛。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAy8Mie7G6LT
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青青感覺到,Dennis似乎對她有意,平時亦盡顯細心體貼。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA9LwO5GM2zm
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她並不抗拒,慢慢,變得很期待和他傾偈;她分不清自己是喜歡他,還是,喜歡他的熱情和主動。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAIVnhzE4Vc2
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有溫度的來往,足以撫平躁動的心。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAe9pcvQo9eK
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即使分了手不算一段短時間,但她仍未適應沒有愛人的寂寞,她發現感情極其脆弱,曾經那麼真誠柔和的目光,可以變成厭惡的迴避。一刻快樂,確實無價,可是,如果快樂十分短暫,對方又要捨她而去,她是決不會交出真心的。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAFn7V9FIhdq
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愛情於她,不再是傾倒的天秤,她要確保對方真鍾愛她,才願意投入更多可愛可親;傻傻地迷戀對方,就算受他欺侮仍心懷希望——1012Please respect copyright.PENANAAiAMciLLCk
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這已經是舊時的童趣。她已經長大了一點,僅僅是一點,但比沒有多。1012Please respect copyright.PENANALdcDKOHQv5
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畢竟,重新適應一個人,很累。感情好的時候,百分百信任對方,身家、性命、財產她都不介意傾盡;抽離的時候,卻遺落了自己在舊街故巷,她並不完整了。1012Please respect copyright.PENANABiQzGI8Vsd
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青青對Dennis有些期許,因為,他常常都會說喜歡她。年輕愚痴的她對甜言蜜語並無抵抗力。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAsGuN2CJoLO
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只是,他又會突然失蹤,有時一整天都音訊全無,或者回覆得很冷淡、簡短——欲擒故縱嗎?可是她只覺得很沒有安全感,要是真的想聯絡她,一整天總能抽一點時間吧——是否?1012Please respect copyright.PENANAj0Yykxt4GM
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她的內心有個問號。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAdPCHddgSTa
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再隔一會兒,她才發現,他同時在追求很多女生,不斷發展不同形式的男女關係。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAhW8prNbB3a
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他確實是單身,但是,他對她的喜歡並非心無雜念的鍾情。他能夠在射精到他人胸部後打字回覆她說:「掛住你。」可是,手上明明還殘留床伴體液的味道。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA9GMrMCHbsq
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青青無法接受這種喜歡。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA987tj8MSpE
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「唔係啊,咁你又未應承我,所以我先至同時追其他人咋。至於fwb……好難忍㗎,有陣時想要就真係要解決。」Dennis說。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA52SMBO5uv9
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「我冇意見,只係接受唔到——你可以同時對住我同其他女仔……」青青承認自己的私心。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAbtBJc2pASN
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她比較貪婪,她希望他在曖昧之時不要分神,不要將心思落在其他女生身上。她想起每次他的失蹤,都覺得可笑,在她焦灼地等待時,他或因與他人夜夜笙歌而分不開身;身軀畢竟只有一個,心肝脾肺腎的興奮無法從電波傳送給她。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAD3quRHjmWi
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他同時「喜歡」很多人,是他的自由;她無意干涉。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAoscbA6whZk
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只是,她失望於他無法專心待她,僅僅如此。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAiy3YZ6KmDA
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青青回想Dennis所說的:「喂喂,咁我真係幾鍾意你吖嘛。」便覺得他在欺詐;他最愛的是自己,鍾情的是自己永不枯萎的男性魅力,而不是她。1012Please respect copyright.PENANA28yH27pUkj
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還有一些人,他們隨便與她聊幾句天,便說:「點解我遇唔到好似你咁好嘅女仔㗎!」1012Please respect copyright.PENANA6DEel14ehP
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挑!咪再派好人卡畀我啦——她總是無奈。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAH7CaK8YaAz
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速食時代,傾幾句偈就是「喜歡」,明明只得些許好感,卻硬要往「愛」上升;青青不明白意義何在,性格相對慢熱的她完全吃不消,每次她看見別人的深情,只是覺得很煩亂,因為感覺,太假了。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAFrh0SSIgh9
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他們並不認識她,卻說,喜歡她。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAvTNdciOO2o
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喜歡她什麼?1012Please respect copyright.PENANAqaOLjtzjIo
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她的斯文和溫柔,只是對着陌生人的客套;真實的她,喜歡看地獄笑話,對住熟人亦有些口賤。難道他們喜歡她疏離冷漠之下的表演麼。1012Please respect copyright.PENANATMbYB9ngFS
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無非想進入一段足夠相愛、別無異心的感情,是否很困難?1012Please respect copyright.PENANAK7FJZ0wG9a
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這一年間,青青遇過幾個男生,將其中一位寫在了小說之中,她在文字裏叫「張青兒」,對方是林子樂。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAKm7Eb06aKp
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可是,在現實中,他們只是聊了幾次天,互相沒有情愫,二人只是朋友和大學同學;準確點而言,阿樂是——青青的好友許雅君——的Hallmate。1012Please respect copyright.PENANANsaqHPfKsm
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她承認自己寫的東西是「假」的,是,這可能是很蠢的行為,但的確、不得不講,只有在小說這個虛構的場境中,才能不那麼孤單——她所索求的一種實切的温暖,只能從並不存在的人物身上取得。而且,為了避免自己過分沉淪,她將男主角「歸還」其心中的女神,不再霸佔這虛幻的愛。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAPkvCzQEWq4
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林子樂說:「喂,你不如執執個look,真係太頹。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANALjjY5t5iRR
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青青不是美人。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAIUw4t0oW9L
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她的臉色泛黃,皮膚毛孔粗大得不斷收集污垢,滿臉油光;雙目無神、下巴短圓。她尚有斜膊、倒及牙、腳彎、頭髮稀疏、矮小等自己看不過眼的外型缺點。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAHKPu8ZhGPr
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「忙,」她說:「好大壓力呀呢牌,遲啲得閒先啦。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANA1OxLaWQemk
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「又話想出pool,男仔只係鍾意靚女——咩類型都好,都係美貌即正義。你正正經經護吓膚啦,唔好捱咁多夜,好傷身囉。」1012Please respect copyright.PENANAOwFiwVdFL8
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她點點頭,他以男生視覺作出提醒,她沒有理由不聽。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAUVLlSCkamH
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秋末初冬的落葉在風中緩緩飄落,在地上被人踏過,發出「咔嚓」的聲音;飄落而無歸途的心,同樣不成一體。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAUm9PFNvwm2
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她開始迷失,或許,是她沒有被愛的條件,無人非她不可。1012Please respect copyright.PENANABoWUdpRRKm
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她本人,沒有資格被珍惜。1012Please respect copyright.PENANAl9FIgHCreu