穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC51QAZ7jY
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvxN8b7cUI
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIVprpAteA
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcPtCQ23aJ
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnyZty7pB7
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUeexW4mI1
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05ZWCc1nlL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Ys6ZLxgnW
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EkPxv9b6z
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIhyoWOLg5
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqzV8mf28j
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9TsWRpo7T
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyMh2X0tEQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavcd395tEU
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhn3SZSnSP8
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswHBXabuvi
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnyAf6na9y
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacG456C4HX
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XHg0iwX51
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jwdMPfQCX
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTo0Jm2Mkx
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI02GRK5ura
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiFIRUXp8b
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1nLJ6kqjB
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrOwjDl4AB
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUJ33naOlN
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnl8QU4p0YO
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GG0TTN8eF
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kHaeF1GIY
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiBpT0VHtA
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnxtyKu9bP
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiF1G38sKaP
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ52tmYrTj
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAe3GWOm6W
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwKJGEytWg
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauuMJ0qTVt
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2HOPWArCG
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhuCcnKyje
「鍾意你。」他說。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hzZMAwM1o
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKhLKpLIfS
「我都係。」她應。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2Xf33Iify
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIGBUQ6Wet
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo05RWhRKlW
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbW0VHa0jRB
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxk293Do62m
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTp7LVQejF
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHHirvMMvK
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yZkCaeeBj
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByU5daM0As
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIzM40ZiMUX
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsChl19cDPE
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYpJUPXWrK
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcxHtW87bt
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhlBfvVzBM
二人過後做愛、入睡。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEW2kAKH9OV
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbwCEGlhmL
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwxcT51sPL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hAy5aRKIq
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1V5xIrTPLe
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrb3zsE2D8
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KBHR9qrSe
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUIGNDIaVy
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsGZAGPWr9
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIjrmN1l9X
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASz1L5UhiJ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0G8Syx4oxJ
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJFkVAIexM
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaHFZObJr6
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5l39mjDvG
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB2gEgJhbi
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVtTmXIxqZ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZIVrcDfaP
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMFYEuNZ1r
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuCMxIwKbi
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZbMar04hF
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKz84QVt5hH
她糊糊塗塗。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gIWUZIETn
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpyRUWDsiB
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdv7QyGmDz
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6kB57Dpqh
最怕空虛。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiMjmdFyOD
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/350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoSnRqDwxI
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兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyjW10RvjY
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioegUcCOzM
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFY6XUZWe8
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3QCWShUr1
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6JMR2eYqC
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTNO3FAeoO
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAuZbsTWx9P
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNolxjHpJpk
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1GhhrY4gy
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2JG5WWoKa
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BEdfF7S89
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrMsJBNEdp
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUuMuKZ9LY5
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDKLXzkiYb
她不過在日常之中夢遊。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1sfh4fWYW
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbaghYDr3e
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HW2xQ5KI5
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vEBzALP4o
「上年12月開始。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecxBsa42aD
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YDJc4YVGa
「頻率係？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2Mbdl1tmI
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMMra5wSpX
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2mXsNtjXG
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7qxKhJIna
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXN3DS9Cymu
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVbEcWLRow
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCJEAVpaQG
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgH8Uj9xvu
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJsvEdC0qb
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FInbToABA
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXOgUSqocE
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmv1XDn1nTa
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXbR7dSXV8
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cjNtZ8r1Y
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMiMJwAneS
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87huuIzGek
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHRRh8uP4D
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCleAPhofo
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjaqXVb8z5
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXawo7BBgVr
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIV3zHOZz1w
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsYZ6mgdw3
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnzQBgNUfs
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wpVUQP29Y
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4hcFIwHZQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQyYg7qtTM
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXL0rti5vD
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連傾訴都不真誠。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡng3TEux9C0
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不開心又不去死。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9nesRvPkZ
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不去死又不改變。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKc8FULpvXq
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDv2vcXeKJF
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxyAetAt9s
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3Gk0wuX7j
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxjfPyUAAg
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4lS4cfSZ6
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGKWfPMysG
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSIiyl3DwM
