Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwANQsoOmS2
I, regrettably, did not.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Fl4wMZXa4
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPMy5ivPuG
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0DquXYLsO
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7gkEHG04J
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSZ5GLMGNq
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhC5jnKAFVV
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFJIlvApaF
"Bathed," I growled.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqeycqnjp2
"With what?"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtq6RIj2aW
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYpXWfkkfo
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHHcxGNmN8
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cHjBY8nZX
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRaUKtmFRD
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLUkCuilYI
And bowed... inwardly.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhj1Ta0twMT
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWv9nSChOen
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I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKvTkmlPJz
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzIOVAWy32
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiBZLuEKYS
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPGt7xTwgr
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xa2syUdff
No fear. No confusion.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDn1B4M0OSp
It was pure recognition.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuA75U6ZqU
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmu4Rxt94m
But... babies?25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86OT5jKnW8
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBo5r8B1qe
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRf3ZoV8T3T
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIPEKnxZSh
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSX5TQuUcpc
Screaming intensifies.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEzV1X7xwr
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2P3yUst7Z
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZAS4xAYpr
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FAGt34GRW
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwMIKfPj9q
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOFNkmWbkf
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH07oCUIvFv
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF76uceLOrU
Your rhythm became mine.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWhhlGlnpt
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9o9HgkXoDK
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QV9P2Rmj7
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSVHu9jl7U
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6hiA3E3yh
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwiJviFo25
No. Babies demand engagement.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefqkWbRRNQ
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujzCurGC34
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoWOl3G1Rz
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5OMEB9AT1
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGdsppAjyl
And perhaps I had.
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