Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HoCd8upfr
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrpt0ehUS3
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yrWCv4PwL
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGJleEAmW8
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAOIUWrRqZ
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAHLCNQrGN
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF21isv7QqV
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VSO7eQyDV
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWPMbL1YTZ
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68u724tReI
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7defDHySZ
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEyUnMXpj9
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMT4434F1H
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIQztL0MZ1
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWk1zOATECh
35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2iLo1VH2W
"Everything is growth"35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YQPtc7eUy
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8JNR7Ituc
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQFff4AC41
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwJB33vZhS
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pOiHZBNaW
I wonder what part of that is alive.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8Q94vAfAA
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfpqXJfBCr
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnY9STrcge2
There is no other point in this community.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOtZi6v44O
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIyHBGWOP4e
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4DoyoguYc
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WHynJZduJ
Whatever that's supposed to mean.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKjIsUCXi5
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXtGFIUhXw
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJbcrlWFWu
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3Jn8FSxsd
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4c33Yt8b7
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5wUdGxazT
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtLpbclYTC
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MWSBciMPi
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjR1uKCa5T
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiUce03tWW
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFmH0ucWi7
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiv3qEoIUE
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5edfd9yGc
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrvM70nNz5
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOeqQECLmx2
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAr7eGKhxF
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydkyVF8Mg2
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluk7PueZYZ
