然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBE7pZqOox
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKOFIo5xoq
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknMKUVjDH2
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwosQS6EyS
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yadmc5Eme
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8MBBBkc90
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGsonYO8uu
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxwLMHRpPz
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTihedCuXlX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BUKnDGzjq
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjCxofT26m
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NFUBlP2xt
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdMszhwUya
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzaqfdH5dA
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgjVa0QZMR
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1BHf7wBik
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVc9pPJdR3S
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHxnUCVINH
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMGvu9CglR
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FpEuoKwi1
他心情不好便會打她。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEhZuEmJhZ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDoHRK2XXF8
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8Z9ZuGE2k
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG74D5DYPP
一下一下打下去。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HN1kFbdn5
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcgeZAXlhX
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDAB0Mf7fY
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMNS06HJ8o
「我無唔聽話呀！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10cIpLRmxD
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUlkmPQch1
「仲講大話！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71qpS8KtH0
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWbHfloprx
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgBmn2JytN
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhyiYXJOYu
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggxbIEZSeM
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqU9GvMg3f
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKJbScLr4w
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaFDsTZigy
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8qQQnODW7
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPMVrpp2PN
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvHyO8cqT0
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7WDdeCZDQ
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGHtdFc1iF
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnDfC8uWau
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDjIWaCoAw
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUiUG45cgo
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHe2tvMlwX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarqarMJ1rk
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SnQKqlfNk
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatWCmakejS
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1dD9sfVaA
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5T1CihWbz
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76WhYRojSz
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBC6bpeYWw
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2kh9mH7b7
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAudFmOExZc
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyqWSSnkqT
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsHqboiV3X
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsC8ydKFrN
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfsKD9MDcy
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6Ue0iQOtX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa2b6kFhaB
「熊仔去咗邊？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4HKwb937j
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXPheOvSC2
「我抌咗。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIOmq4a5jm
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQH7HqsZ5S
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIBPl04wi5
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZtRcbcgZ7
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuprpZlsaHn
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzG7lQmtiS
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FCFwKgUuw
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCko1Tsv7OI
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgiYlhutCW
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tM47YJsNf
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ58W7rzvwrq
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSWpehhRGH
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYyTEtAwDZ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYQ2Mxkcii
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8d7qw2zIw
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxivjvJakJ7
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuSdtnFYo9
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBSCWiAyJV
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvzOWYbQTz
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBXlxVBhGS
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlN5GSekka
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4WPbwQFqk
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwlTcGJMM7
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFuzjwgB6v
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8mlKsTbyg
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5rCdR1TAd
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGrbHPOb3Z
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqG5CFJBSSr
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvmeZYGC5B
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDpTAnWNmm
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qF9uvqs1T
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB89XdlbQJH
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaMLh6f65d
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6DKMumDdl
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSZwxxxaGW
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bWmrESaC1
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIA5ElkILI
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXpoxfix7U
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgOcRj9qYl
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlj8MvazRFY
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpLw8yfLXb
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lZ84wAkk7
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2CBLErjjh
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxDTVGI3CS
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGn7slSYG6R
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjtVOAzDNb
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sSFtoPV7U
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNslQwKbIk
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7AA7TCfuX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0vgE64FhT
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFL9XE5QDx
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzbWR94k69
直至父親又打家姐。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HdO47dpX8
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCWFIrY3qz
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsmUaKo5bo
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzyMDI0Gr3
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNOawLugrx
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPmjLMTm4Y
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVKte1EArj
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4Gphd5bdu
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHXvadytWt
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVOFozSypQ
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrRRWgOiAZ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTY5lfslfZ
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUvXArkfV2
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCOWmflx5D
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQ4g29mvzJ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXk0AhEpzx
「我無！」家姐搖頭。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYT6L2vPOX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeiejpteZ8I
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkfYtSvb28
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUpV8Gi0hE
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIIe8CH4AR
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvM7ghVJ2X
「多謝阿爸。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGM4oKgxx7i
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCMj5jk5Y7
家姐推了林蓁落地。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIWBlNPu3Q
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡar47pXp7bD
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrDg3lBytj
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aCGWkGmf3
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VpdV445Nn
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhi51tujZL
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpYId5RTU1
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQ1uSb5y05
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYZosPKRCR
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gpRdudwO3
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvn7xOyjlg
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLeno7RM6W
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHuwsJbohm
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgj5d1GHdu9
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341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5QJgkpGz2
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwzlD0Z0lE
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qqrJjy6Rv
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFERex61Dg
