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下班回家，淋浴。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGt3d2arnDN
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUE2fdL6Nt
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wXNBG7WG6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5Md9fdo3C
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOOrHQRRSX
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQO9kRoIbP
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsxqhjbokv
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0D9fzby26
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvD8btpHnF
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftxNfaW3Rd
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEqkLc5RnJ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTTsNvQolV
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBY4FvWo0x
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7Int5uKE9
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMH8hZ2DV6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKd7nfmaKc4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneP6kOGgXO
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevCz9pZ8kj
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ltZjktMFJ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMmMtj9yB7
啪——啪——464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGglxWDXWkB
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcpzlqDD6A
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G5qSvhOWV
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanSePMSJ7s
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBhVhiRjVi
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VlJuZcDTO
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkqQkVOpVZ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yZT9C4cIk
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjiu8CVUSj
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfwM5eoZna
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfV2bb5Mylx
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu0857q5jd
算了吧。沒所謂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARlswbnKL3
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotFdXN3i7C
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yoYPusS0B
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnBqk8Ka0S
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9q81biwTJ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuygT0NrZ8W
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtLD8T1oin
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ktRtr9efD
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiuzTN2dDN
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxWBpnmPnI
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg24XzDBl7Q
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7ZWSJ5pV3
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1EPGUCyqC
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEuG7A2QOH
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIY3C2wZQmL
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPEjyEqGQV
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKklFZV3F9
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03TKNsNVwc
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbApUmHEoM
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4sUcSDfPj
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oX7Lb8wAI
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjer1qqu3iH
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHIjpyMDeI
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHUDEuVzIB
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBpyOAf8Up
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZAEbFsDLyU
我頭也不回開門離家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAyWyDVj66
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorDJdiLHTD
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZYaan0SHr
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXd1pXRVDvP
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7rTTVBWHS
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1C66y2v3f
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NCg8IGqAl
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOdkhJ74WK
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWakiduWW46
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpObRg9LJk7
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8O1m15eNy
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYW7nUdLSo
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAPFLI7cQz
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRb1wd7MjNZ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfCeNRRFYr
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1dn2TJ8sg
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88d6Nouw48
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRueADAFVGP
「你不開心？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMaatX9M62
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGnjZpslCr
「是的。但與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunBn6Rb11l
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFaaTJWdEJ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvreTm3apu
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcajLc6m6iS
「還有菸嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPCyiZfkZ2
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvFlfdXdnW
「有。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIkfXg5unW
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFWk20xROX
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleSlL7xuqA
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bqC4K62Nn
「俊仔還好嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCL8inUeBZ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7YZQ4kQpb
「與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsJ5286ry3
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkhccdj9zs
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNCgmDVz8e
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MQuPKtdrQ
我幽幽一笑。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfi5l5G4DP6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkrw9m9lRj
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIG5gw0tqCc
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTcFNKyoDK
「多少？我付！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraT6LDgiRc
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvVyQ4Q9Rv
「五萬七千五百元。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhwVq8nJ2X
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3PMo5uSV5
「好！沒問題！小意思！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxjd9cSJuG
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmq0JlGARWD
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPKyh934Of
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFmoPNIWn9
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOLPGlEpik
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1jPkD6Chv
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GD1BM2CJZ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OSzfj5WrZ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoQJQDXl1b
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGY63AK5AEX
「阿顧，對不起。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0aO3ZGttK
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQ7CwuJXkL
「道歉有屁用！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1cBEyYIkA
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVdTXbPEVl
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwwVK1UP84
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dmztL2KOo
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs99os1XCQj
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTpVb2roCR
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡov7iDCjsQ0
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7TR97sxz3
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkSgNb8UDZ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBU35SUMIK1
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtV5umdMaq
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdxKJXUtBJ
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihCQThZHMS
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pn2dnT6BS
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zdbCzfgNd
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7DiaJ3NkR
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIdFGSy3yy
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkoRHqagv1
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaqWy42d7O
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqezhP82U7a
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW7n64b4Ir
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTkhiNGV8J
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTI91IdQFfz
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXgINLIhY1
我活該……我活該……我活該……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLDeK68MgE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JbP2wuHnl
我如此催眠自己。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtDXR4rJ6G
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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