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下班回家，淋浴。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7zloABI2z
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rxGLSCcZG
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMb6gy5jwad
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hFn34pbLZ
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3SStyESSN
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEcXhfrn6J
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QK4ksaXGL
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2B3eYOzRu7
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNlmBl2jXa
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3He0M7GVU
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTcOddIkGP
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9fI1wUiHQ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5KGuQ2V2L
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgc72LSTUN
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJf1t6JGqP
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPZnxpIMwp
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvw1zxV1Uz
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tkpe3xCol
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3gSZGb8dR
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3j0b5fvst4
啪——啪——423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjo9dZqeJM0
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGgtYjaaEk
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpUOjrIBly
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXpxBqeHQY
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvF25THZfVO
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04tt7ohXm6
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7Wv9xYP1z
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsd32dqFQRn
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVh869IOtm
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDOXQssrhW
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oh0CbqXMt
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDO2xX24ni3
算了吧。沒所謂。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEnvVuk7ck
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxY4PA9xqS
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENsldHbYyI
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDknpv9go8
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK2QhRfID5
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZQQiW2EOl
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKx5zLVrlv
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb3lSxy6zr
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9x9OXgsLe
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgAZANLjg1
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hMmdYpNce
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnKChxKKwy
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbPn19zcNb
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5zAoFPcai
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzIsME3pgo
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBveCJADPS
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMHFvPuAlc
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiAesedQFq
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU486KrAYUl
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIkNNVSAgv
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmKNr3qzWw
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZogG5tKDXB
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqFJPeFSlg
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Q9hgZJhrH
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9wLNrajQM
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Est2GcAB3
我頭也不回開門離家。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnvYUVyGiT
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiHKu96J9v
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgLlRSZc8f
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVQPyWK1MD
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYnWs9FxiF
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHarEQLzAln
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DYs544MIb
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbQZInv6eV
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKBmS8xtZB
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cHRTw5xXZ
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASWphiR0Ay
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeR4blifH5g
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxexVp94EWA
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIQ9lfrkvq
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5iIGtAGuq
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDMaJxLMD3
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0biomt9NjY
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSa1yprWb1
「你不開心？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVobiMdiRm
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8JMglV4oJ
「是的。但與你無關。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvso8OSivc
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EhVTigcv6
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3aLRKm80y
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMtpaSHX1W
「還有菸嗎？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9w0RoyQaY
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OzSrvOqvR
「有。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpASer7lbR
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARynIoD1KZ
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41qpIPnjq3
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSttqrhoGt
「俊仔還好嗎？」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXOPo8kGs1
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KoMJdXqIo
「與你無關。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttyopcPPzs
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FEhZMZLzC
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIS2mp0gu9
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUPnB1McVJ
我幽幽一笑。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpPTiGau0r
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGTQNAcjLe
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rRbMFITiy
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1ucyFDcSO
「多少？我付！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1ZqRTE5vk
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftudEUjMsr
「五萬七千五百元。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nvuYVEZIK
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHmuCJbF2y
「好！沒問題！小意思！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3QLyrrYEp
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBqBMASwCQ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyImDUWTj1
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzzCbPcRGf
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMLOk530xl
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgLnIiLLIA
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWHLGR4o2T
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKymEACNCc
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9Y5N6WgTb
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9HmZXn5fZ
「阿顧，對不起。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaNeabpwAY
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNHYBXHI4Y
「道歉有屁用！」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOX9WpIGsV
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMm8sA9YuB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrj4yx0Ek3
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4Ux0MK6AC
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnea77LOVw
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSzvgiPsGM
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5tiSjKQeN
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vgnYVAaR2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyzik3fZtj
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbWLMxPpLL
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZNzGaOpFZ
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPijyxSljbk
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTchvh5ZDGS
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GCJJ7dtMO
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQymB5xtnjv
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyD1TMaqqy
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpidPaHqf7W
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzLFofBKR0
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmcBNFjkfb
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNe1RROFUmb
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAA2XOrzx8
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1r3TQg8OA
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDZgTNCZW0
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJOZS628bS
我活該……我活該……我活該……423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJycKOzEyRS
423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2565Pv8bcS
我如此催眠自己。423Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu94OsbHs5A
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns13.58.187.108da2
