Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUrUhjG0HP
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCYyW1S6Xz
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HEzWGBjID
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JYSpit12J
But I digress.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6tHtQYdkL
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yZh1rKT7L
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ838WawMEIK
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9E5nsOLJTY
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwr1DOwDOMq
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21ZsUUMgAS
You stood still. Briefly.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirAiIW9W3T
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIHLIL7AlX
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOF7XDay5C
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hMoqDQacM
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPw4hXQQENO
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQlqBaBOPz
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrocAq7g9p
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR6WUJI6ND
I let him. Why not?20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIEoSxMxvS
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFZ0VKHG08
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLurxaOJh8U
Only your personal god of mischief knew.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfR1g32d0Ej
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGlYr9cTbI
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcioHnTHk3d
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIN0kLVAeU
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FkheDJtv1
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGgZdFeqVh
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTn0FSUaoJa
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKROLqMFte
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsvF4PrLX1
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7cpwTsgJX
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xszr9rIwY
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAQy23mPFm
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo9Sj0YJ8L
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7dYafyngp
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90IitMBmg4
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEuurGE7Ke
"What that?" you asked.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sKBURxSFQ
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dtxnsAZDH
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0bxUIz0kR
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ173NR0T8VK
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IgSPzuams
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6vLsqIds1
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCwPoGukb7
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAf8mcEU9ue
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNh9VKaQK4
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7M9muEV8u5
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixIUF7AP5d
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEimmfISgku
"No" became your favorite word.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7k1AvNi7T
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3h8D7xOZX
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoe9YRINM7j
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44HiXaYJSL
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ506wwlsoPI
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3UFSUdJO4r
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKEekXIZMB
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGg9E03Ly0
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyuGEIICZO
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0Kd6xFyYe
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15TbKXBToY
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXZhxxU9yu
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8eb8UlqXB
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBS2WdrzGUW
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3Ix8Cy06g
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHGUwvT4ke
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PBu8vtKZI
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4NbmdNwsU
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPxxi97g9Z
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2H15Ru4VOs
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJwjkMmWuQ
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsL99ptnet
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mXZoLZd70
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDDxie7ra4
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR326ZbFmDp
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRWl1lGKge
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayiQlAh5G9
Not like someone who warms.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx5eA1B7jy
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuCaRtZgzs
