大學一年級時,林蓁𠝹過手。134Please respect copyright.PENANABYUP3KkWaq
134Please respect copyright.PENANARyLLGwwmkK
位置不是最常見的脈博處,那些分明的血管使她清晰感知生命的跳動,她不是想死,並未下定決心憑著將皮膚割開、鮮血噴湧失去呼吸。134Please respect copyright.PENANAQIt4F0OFm8
134Please respect copyright.PENANAsWn1MDx3TR
她只是,除了將身體的疼痛放到最大以外,就不知道怎樣才能緩解突如其來侵襲的負面情緒。134Please respect copyright.PENANA01ck8bvO4X
134Please respect copyright.PENANA4QeAekvCeM
她會把𠝹刀橫在二頭肌位置,然後劃下去,皮膚並無明顯裂開,僅僅流出血——這個形容未免太輕巧,她的意思是,想比起皮膚分離的刺激,劃下去後只得血不斷湧現,快速、急進地湛落,像打開了一罐有氣的飲品,那樣一發不可收拾。134Please respect copyright.PENANAfBgYBzeUmp
134Please respect copyright.PENANAjm6T0lZdQ0
真正令她感到刺激,或是心潮澎湃的是,𠝹下去前一刻。134Please respect copyright.PENANAYrnHcnjqjK
134Please respect copyright.PENANAOIXys5vtVx
多數猶豫不決,置刀子於皮膚上,一動不動,深呼吸,一時怕痛,一時怕別人看見,一時怕痛了以後別人看不見,最怕原來𠝹了,感覺也不外如是。134Please respect copyright.PENANAv2SIuLnzuA
134Please respect copyright.PENANAFpmOZ6CqCG
心跳加速,怦怦怦怦怦地跳,不是浪漫的氣氛,但有越來越熱的身烘托。134Please respect copyright.PENANALRAJItmMFK
134Please respect copyright.PENANAlYqc0nQWuf
就這樣發了好久呆,終於下定決心,卻依然是細細力,劃出淺淺的痕,當然也有血,只是僅似被鋒利的紙擦過,如同漫不經心。這樣的痕跡是最多的,像一種車子出發前的蓄力,轟轟轟,最後才敢用力前進,一鼓作氣插穿路面。134Please respect copyright.PENANAgVFFBStxyx
134Please respect copyright.PENANA4qUFnPPS5l
因此手臂有很多窄窄的紅,最後,才有一條明顯的疤,像蟲子和小蟲子,不斷來回爬行,蠶食完好的皮膚。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKSniaaMgKB
134Please respect copyright.PENANAZq6ta363FK
選在二頭肌,而非前臂,也是因為只要穿袖子稍長的衣服,便可遮住所有劃痕。134Please respect copyright.PENANAH0tsmY3vx4
134Please respect copyright.PENANAj4xNqcJu8k
她害怕被看見,若要解釋,又不知從何說起,由𠝹刀的製作開始描述?或是從她生命的誕生提起呢。敍事,從來都是困難的,尤其是在起頭時,已讓人預設:大概是很不開心才會自殘吧!那麼,她的形容必須符合他人預期,否則又會被批判。134Please respect copyright.PENANAlZC9sQxSPm
134Please respect copyright.PENANAmPTKTiNWv3
她不願被批判。134Please respect copyright.PENANALyJvp8tYHQ
134Please respect copyright.PENANAEQEC9Kr1tW
//134Please respect copyright.PENANABopfz4hphk
134Please respect copyright.PENANAvIhygXt29x
見輔導的以前和以後,林蓁只是覺得,因著藥物影響,似乎睡得更好,可是,亦未見其效。134Please respect copyright.PENANAw2cNPMhiJS
134Please respect copyright.PENANAlaJQ8y12OS
她依然常常發呆,翻來覆去地陷入抑鬱。134Please respect copyright.PENANAtgtgxfB9Cl
134Please respect copyright.PENANAKYKc9DwRhI
在大學,她唸心理學,也上過輔導課,自知不是聊幾次天就有大突破。畢竟過去原是那樣厚,逐一拆解也要時間。134Please respect copyright.PENANA3ePXmzKs0x
134Please respect copyright.PENANA9bM8syN1q3
說來慚愧,她生活如常。134Please respect copyright.PENANALGf2C36Wc6
134Please respect copyright.PENANABaIcrYAAUF
在交好所有功課後,她只等待大學派發分數,然後,就畢業了。再沒有慣常日程追趕,竟使她好空虛。134Please respect copyright.PENANAu6xfoEumUU
134Please respect copyright.PENANAKzHDwT7jL2
為了讓履歷表看起來豐富一點(真的出於這功利原因),她申請了功課輔導班的兼職,已做了一段時間。她和學校有緣——即使未曾想過未來會在學校工作,但大學四年,時時被母校叫回去做導師,教過初中中文和高中文學,發現自己真的不適合做教育。134Please respect copyright.PENANA30DGxqJjHj
134Please respect copyright.PENANArOo0wW0lLI
傳授知識,若是不只將課文和筆記讀一遍,而是真的要讓原本不懂的人,明白內容,理解概念,並不容易——她覺得吃力,不欲再做。134Please respect copyright.PENANAeUPwLjkJHC
134Please respect copyright.PENANAZvOnQH2OXd
功課輔導班是相對輕鬆,全因只需管理秩序,還有教授功課內容。雖然,上到大學,她就取不到很好的成績,但是,小學程度的課業,還是勉強可以應付。134Please respect copyright.PENANA2myeClYi2Y
134Please respect copyright.PENANABHNY0RMyJ9
逢星期一、三、五下午,她便會到小學兼職。134Please respect copyright.PENANACeqZsmNBYA
134Please respect copyright.PENANApPTdbzd613
說來巧合,地區便利之故,公司將她編排到母校。結果,距離畢業近十載,期間只有一次回去小學的她,又重新到學校。位置離家甚近,十年前,她畢業後,學校外牆馬上大翻新,其時學校因換了校長而新人事、新作風,結果她熟悉的老師都走了一輪,才使如沒有再回去。134Please respect copyright.PENANAP5Hj1fxCu3
134Please respect copyright.PENANAwaRZl3KNMQ
再到學校,只覺歲月如梭,誰都捉不緊那無聲無息流走的到底是什麼。134Please respect copyright.PENANAY5kdBnRN8Q
134Please respect copyright.PENANA1rsdsujhws
有老師認得林蓁——134Please respect copyright.PENANAOColZOZ1Fo
134Please respect copyright.PENANAqEMqcO9Kma
她是一個怎樣的學生呢?134Please respect copyright.PENANABMEiL1E7Rb
134Please respect copyright.PENANA0QZ1qMbFcC
讀書時期,一直規行矩步,品學兼優,但因生性文靜、沉悶之故,而不多出風頭,每年取操行獎、服務獎,但也不算受歡迎。她就是這種常見的學生。134Please respect copyright.PENANAIs9C8Aq627
134Please respect copyright.PENANAVyKIXPwHFb
「林——蓁?你返嚟探老師?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAXexil34EVN
134Please respect copyright.PENANAjlKrmRYdJ5
「我做功輔班啊。」她指指手上的功課袋。134Please respect copyright.PENANAOoE4452GsB
134Please respect copyright.PENANAJkB8VY1ruI
老師又往教員室裡叫喚,結果幾個老師都出來了,全都認得她。看來,歲月沒有令她變化太大,樣子氣質身型,統統在隔開十年仍能辨認的程度,也不知是否應該開心。134Please respect copyright.PENANAFdXjgMQhvU
134Please respect copyright.PENANAqCz0GA5CzU
她的小學生涯,其實沒什麼特別事。134Please respect copyright.PENANAVVr275ZojE
134Please respect copyright.PENANAixhvkmBUdH
「咁乖嘅,返嚟做嘢。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAVrLmtlLP0B
134Please respect copyright.PENANAQRw4cDeILV
「係囉,林蓁嗰屆啲學生都好叻。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAIkr86xQfw1
134Please respect copyright.PENANAe8vCkVTt5E
「我印象深刻,你畫畫還好,但每次都好努力畫,哈哈哈。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAk8cqCConOE
134Please respect copyright.PENANAvW9Uk3UvOp
「我係幾時教過你?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAc017t6lNuE
134Please respect copyright.PENANABFHyhaZfyV
「啲學生難唔難湊啊,功輔班啲學生都嘈一啲。」134Please respect copyright.PENANATNGz2jLvV3
134Please respect copyright.PENANA1QjB0IGVhw
「哇,你哋過幾年之後,學校無埋笛隊啦。134Please respect copyright.PENANAjpcHrTFJkY
134Please respect copyright.PENANAMLC9ZjB2gL
「蓁蓁真係特別乖啊,你之後仲有無玩廣播劇同跳舞?」134Please respect copyright.PENANA3LyDqu1Gmf
134Please respect copyright.PENANA01YIejIdXm
老師們竟然還記得她。多可怕,一班三十餘人,一個老師教三、四班,已過十年,仍可清晰說出她的名字,連同那些他們帶領過的活動。134Please respect copyright.PENANApAuhpOUpjf
134Please respect copyright.PENANAkvxaF16LMl
林蓁連忙陪笑,逐一回答問題,藉著打鐘的間隙失陪。134Please respect copyright.PENANAtmSGe2jDhR