"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdu3XdAp7NE
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxqRq65ky2
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDI7jsVYv1
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJZ0LE5NUV
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZJVZjukJi
it’s a mood.
– maya12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKPVGrGAbE
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIe3tPTl8M
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2u6GK4StDP
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XoEBwsbBo
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWIGtEQ7gq
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyDcGEL40Q
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMN6FsNS0V
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2In9Dz87DZ
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1m4KGrw8t8
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTiFP7eNHD
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbrIpNQdcR
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfZ0j9VD4L
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6HDZBQ1QD
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyoMxz7MDd
i have goosebumps.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UrIO1Jrfl
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMZ6ZdQ698
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdgMfh2Orq
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZa3jzs55HZ
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmp3Y9GYIW
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0LPmU38wD
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9GkJPPQoG
you passed the vibe check.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWiJXHNr6wF
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDxb8THAQZ
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJZOhDp5I0
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDzqCAlkCr
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaGGFznoPR
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfa7czkBEE
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡez57dGZGIX
i did cry.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBAdBJV9Jf
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdKzm6dmnl
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcEaMkzqLK
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGlHgFwzBT
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAK4hfoAGd7
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAVA4gcAWc
To: [email protected]12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H2QY7rwN6
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypDWwScnLd
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Nf3uxmBZK
together we’re like...12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN5t1HF46G
the emotional avengers.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGF1ju78Jdi
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDggbEl1dXa
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm40TiuKVz7
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsT1FuVc6o7
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6J8DzvwgE
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5XUB1ZZ0a
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozvKnQYBfJ
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFt0qfX0tdv
screamed into a spoon. felt better.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymRWQSuieV
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdOYfyOclC
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkxPJNYYoi
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVe640tbTf3
the rain cried for me.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKStxVT0nwt
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTf27wFQh4h
i do not condone murder. but i understand.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡue3IFfsJHF
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVHqA1hiwo
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ615M67GZJj
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzLnKwz2y9
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8R535BdkUy
officially unwell in a poetic way
