"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8827BjNpq
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcUEQj5OsI
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4ajCItUoN
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcs14usLW68
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0z1GPX6yW9
it’s a mood.
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBTRDnnVqs
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4F37NQ6jGl
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjV4SZG4O8
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEqT171Hnl
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZXAjUno6M
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMiyMgz8r6
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEq5mjc5Cf1
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiDImA5Ghn
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8CsqlE9e6
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAahTvq3FU
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4g0SJEok0
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPXHLHO369
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjVx4Ti8u8
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8KVt8jFb7
i have goosebumps.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzS65mVvov
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtTGB0LF82
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVx1SQbnu8U
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvacEFGBTz
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK232R40X93
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcegeYphHcB
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNAhFVMRy2
you passed the vibe check.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcuGkwuKsG
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLUcinGYFe
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnYojGOOu1
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVs2J8IFXi
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGV8SeOkBq6
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnscZYRyd2
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAO3Ruc0Nr
i did cry.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXFT8Es5xt
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlWRipuHwf
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfTAY5XKNu
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaI9l746U0R
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyIU64TreV
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7Niltl1Yt
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeaaQllyi8
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJR4Wa6pqQY
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF92u99mRWw
together we’re like...97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1kYf2C6RC
the emotional avengers.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WVUn1IABs
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXXcMv5q57
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaFSC7ibVt
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDrtasIlOX
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1ssmvZny9
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAt4h9x6rDL
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRGfzvFnVv
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsP7gO7j08j
screamed into a spoon. felt better.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaV85KjivC6
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRcdaUd6v5
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxK79WPP79O
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrblpV1ffSz
the rain cried for me.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlAEp1DYJv
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNeBVlJAZp
i do not condone murder. but i understand.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlQ1devZPk
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqW4FQswgQ
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0uNH7hk4Q
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOsmtijHJH
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMAouC0LCF
officially unwell in a poetic way
