"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZySBLxDO5
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNWXBryUTV
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kODhaJy6b
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WKR8LJ3nl
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkxgv1Wx3Sw
it’s a mood.
– maya37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2wxsYrenf
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9KN1Hilgd
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IF1biGQGD
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoloBCmmxUQ
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvlFPWXP0Q
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdl4uLjSPaS
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbd1A1Mbf5Q
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38hJCSDbJU
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjeioLY0Rp
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XxIth3122
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5XKMERsTR
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gkL24EqSt
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTX7YP1bAFW
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJA9iBkRJnm
i have goosebumps.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8vIEwuUH1
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGRdRtULBH
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgenCgvArci
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylW7ydEv7A
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2QEsV8NA3
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcr4WuOObmG
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4E1P7T6J7
you passed the vibe check.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaY51j8FKb
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPqrjDe56f
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLclpSIr5ua
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Ta3QTxQCn
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKp5KLT7T8
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnzTKqoOSa
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYxO1aGLYR
i did cry.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34tJlsA0mt
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yTONKoa1Q
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfevIjtJNC
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9RI3UqFpT
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNF13MtefWt
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgwqFX4rz4
To: [email protected]37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoCvumUXKj
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wA2as187x
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwJG5J40Oi
together we’re like...37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQS2d5LizkQ
the emotional avengers.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiTueIyPtd
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwnlk30UU3
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsgEX74Cxv
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLSov1rxQk
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxsR5roveb
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHW4Vf5KLN
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLS20cIDm5
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYuLFxbM6x
screamed into a spoon. felt better.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16ucDQ2F8s
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡch8xdd148S
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkiINkYCTb
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mH7MZnV6h
the rain cried for me.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg0ec0wABe
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFNSO8Gteq
i do not condone murder. but i understand.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQ1QPxKAUt
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6cVVf1lFX
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fHFGXeOSg
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYuP2Fdhxb
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli37Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwjaZ5dv8U
officially unwell in a poetic way
