"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlQz3Ds2s8
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQbgdIY3C8
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7XXZfJq02
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8dwlMlHfi
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYCmPdIHj1
it’s a mood.
– maya96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOWYKD9cg1
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrjhZrm4MU
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuS2yEm3XU0
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5pNGryGxP
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjiopaCOBed
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwNoz2e4Dh
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ36MmhqOw2
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLEG2bF1zJ
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKnPT4kyX3
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULoemHZpr7
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLeinWcPUt
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnFlEvbAoY
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBpDXq0rti
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNda2lUsPSq
i have goosebumps.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mNNVmuIq2
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYTWRVFrbS
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKooZ5030D
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjifPGPmsc
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4OSdclDjQ
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoeBiD4zsur
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5njFYKFe0
you passed the vibe check.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHO1ktsLg3h
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5KULSmPQJ
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0fyp4jlsU
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nQIcxYJy9
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDK0ba9j8R1
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Uf6vkXzNd
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYBH4Qsvok
i did cry.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLLSRebzmS
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MZmOJAtsG
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrj8m72FYl
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqAywoRyaw
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEN444ONnTJ
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNLY4NOKVj
To: [email protected]96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx53VztqP7r
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpn59VsKUgi
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWMcN3AZnD
together we’re like...96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIhYEeZEu1
the emotional avengers.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwij6bINEgX
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxet11lOMK
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVX1ARkX2ri
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSfJjOcKrq
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqhMNB6IHS
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozUzZZEXGN
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwnklIFFve
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXy6wJMNFk
screamed into a spoon. felt better.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxA2sinFrve
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoAjtT8hMW
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwLwQ1Errd
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWwCUtG8vH
the rain cried for me.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNlgTWpIs5
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGya1u16XH
i do not condone murder. but i understand.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrjkNolMYV
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkLeu6pSE9
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHa4VKykr2C
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJWZsJmNIi
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuh2YVZS6zJ
officially unwell in a poetic way
