幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAIACKTgjfV5
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
129Please respect copyright.PENANATSwxcmwnVW
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAR4aLwm9WjS
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAzgGKdhV3Gt
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAr9rSsNJrFY
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
129Please respect copyright.PENANA8CeCyuMT2k
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAEYorEmBmy2
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。129Please respect copyright.PENANAGj14XoFQu4
129Please respect copyright.PENANAuRip8UKOol
129Please respect copyright.PENANAClLsEXfogB
129Please respect copyright.PENANA2oFnhjHtGl
世界觀:129Please respect copyright.PENANABIE7fam6wP
129Please respect copyright.PENANAbNUtOW3HVv
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAMTJD93vcjy
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
129Please respect copyright.PENANA7GwHCQFETQ
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
129Please respect copyright.PENANA7YY2zx9iJL
129Please respect copyright.PENANANmolYmGUMa
劇情細節的提醒:129Please respect copyright.PENANAlzRsEjIiXd
129Please respect copyright.PENANAyS93FWVNom
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:129Please respect copyright.PENANA4oQ06Vs4Qy
129Please respect copyright.PENANAWZTkFBMxJz
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。129Please respect copyright.PENANAayLTFFD87d
129Please respect copyright.PENANAq4aZqhFs1F
參考網站:129Please respect copyright.PENANAqhxnLK8zpv
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html129Please respect copyright.PENANAVnmof3lepc
129Please respect copyright.PENANAmu0DSZyQkv
129Please respect copyright.PENANAgcrKftOHSP
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。129Please respect copyright.PENANAleIfBvjrlZ
129Please respect copyright.PENANAdiyf82meW1
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。129Please respect copyright.PENANAB8UEtM7Qdn
129Please respect copyright.PENANAyWueamXedD
129Please respect copyright.PENANApeUw2sDQdw
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。129Please respect copyright.PENANAq7tgrWIxUq
129Please respect copyright.PENANAdsay7OX6XS
129Please respect copyright.PENANA7fYwA5Opy4
角色:129Please respect copyright.PENANABm7FUkzxES
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:129Please respect copyright.PENANAowm2Wbxoj5
129Please respect copyright.PENANADCNZsgs2qh
主角:俊明
129Please respect copyright.PENANABie7ujGZuh
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)129Please respect copyright.PENANAsuf4DSVUQ9
129Please respect copyright.PENANA78DwIZ1EoB
主角現狀:遭人排擠
129Please respect copyright.PENANAf4VlFAi0z3
奉翊:129Please respect copyright.PENANAHYm11UPOJk
不擅長飛行。129Please respect copyright.PENANAPHv1lPsBQT
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。129Please respect copyright.PENANA6rOn5jaZaL
129Please respect copyright.PENANA5toIVPYkV3
129Please respect copyright.PENANA130LsKSQ4R
129Please respect copyright.PENANAbPa90Ujxky
對於角色整體的感想:129Please respect copyright.PENANAg5jvrWo3jO
129Please respect copyright.PENANAnSS6ASot2p
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。129Please respect copyright.PENANARNmxjNK8em
129Please respect copyright.PENANAj4lB5baGNQ
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。129Please respect copyright.PENANAotjtv4ISAr
129Please respect copyright.PENANAS3qalELhD8
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:129Please respect copyright.PENANAdC4lJSSPO7
129Please respect copyright.PENANAlvKLrmiULL
原作:129Please respect copyright.PENANAJgsRDtkV4i
129Please respect copyright.PENANAvJvmBOQlzp
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388129Please respect copyright.PENANAuGdoyp7L2k
129Please respect copyright.PENANA6D1jNTEll7
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)129Please respect copyright.PENANAhLUL6vNQwm
129Please respect copyright.PENANAJtzqzBuqFc
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):129Please respect copyright.PENANAQ6TYmgxi9j
129Please respect copyright.PENANAnQXSGyymuO
調整後:129Please respect copyright.PENANA1aJ1MbtoFv
129Please respect copyright.PENANA9r6aQ51S9K
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。129Please respect copyright.PENANAIIleNUgHNT
129Please respect copyright.PENANABD4tlKxiG0
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。129Please respect copyright.PENANAEvr2KoadVh
129Please respect copyright.PENANAE9vOg0l2Jf
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。129Please respect copyright.PENANAQUpo7hcs3o
129Please respect copyright.PENANA9j6N0C5gtD
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」129Please respect copyright.PENANAgofGcRSakd
129Please respect copyright.PENANAKdnZIRmCvf
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。129Please respect copyright.PENANAmq8FCRb3rM
129Please respect copyright.PENANAeFayQJ2PWL
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:129Please respect copyright.PENANAlujZonFDjJ
129Please respect copyright.PENANAFkuoWCbQP9
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」129Please respect copyright.PENANA9AKt3L1j4W
129Please respect copyright.PENANAiZHiMuo6Q9
查喀比茲?那是什麼?129Please respect copyright.PENANANXr5M0qwkQ
129Please respect copyright.PENANAlcl1c5Umg7
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:129Please respect copyright.PENANAg1UpoAL2DV
129Please respect copyright.PENANAmqNC12v9Wq
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」129Please respect copyright.PENANAUd9jdG49FI
129Please respect copyright.PENANAYkjAVzDUjU
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。129Please respect copyright.PENANAJUfiS7ammR
129Please respect copyright.PENANAYzhVUV9Cns
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」129Please respect copyright.PENANA8I2PjZOejM
129Please respect copyright.PENANAhlVABI8DM7
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。129Please respect copyright.PENANAg7IMSfgwzG
129Please respect copyright.PENANAxMp5dLcvaE
他進一步解釋道:129Please respect copyright.PENANANcLJkAqEhJ
129Please respect copyright.PENANAAScnaYxUlo
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」129Please respect copyright.PENANALKYvmDGB6I
129Please respect copyright.PENANA75TH9clNF4
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:129Please respect copyright.PENANALwcZZo4jRc
129Please respect copyright.PENANA1Y4FdLF238
「查詢,查喀比茲。」129Please respect copyright.PENANAejIKzsWHRP
129Please respect copyright.PENANAAWALhbplpQ
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。129Please respect copyright.PENANAZDsbj9o3ij
129Please respect copyright.PENANAaeEtwQF5io
「──查無此項結果。」129Please respect copyright.PENANAQIdtuJpzuE
129Please respect copyright.PENANAu1nY5mrpLA
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。129Please respect copyright.PENANANUaufKVUN5
129Please respect copyright.PENANAqYTGqJa2zh
「啊啊!」129Please respect copyright.PENANAMY38JZBlu0
129Please respect copyright.PENANARJslswSyId
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。129Please respect copyright.PENANAF9lm19NMp0
129Please respect copyright.PENANAlcZP1hqltl
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」129Please respect copyright.PENANAUJj5405Mie
129Please respect copyright.PENANAQfunODhL0F
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:129Please respect copyright.PENANAv69hAbqsWj
129Please respect copyright.PENANA1s4eozOHFz
查喀比茲。129Please respect copyright.PENANAAH3wSYmw79
129Please respect copyright.PENANAGRFU7goBuy
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。129Please respect copyright.PENANASYM0a0n1Xn
129Please respect copyright.PENANAzjpmwULX4d
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。129Please respect copyright.PENANAffFh87YHHf
129Please respect copyright.PENANAGN8zd8PZzV
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:129Please respect copyright.PENANABJmjxJt5DC
129Please respect copyright.PENANAzE4fqHWDEe
「你、你、你……該不會──」129Please respect copyright.PENANAqiTAiYrzWe
129Please respect copyright.PENANA9NAyTBRnG7
「沒錯,我就是──」129Please respect copyright.PENANAu1qXsPK8ml
129Please respect copyright.PENANA9YSbnEvCVy
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:129Please respect copyright.PENANA4ltbe0kkcs
129Please respect copyright.PENANALHaEyX3Q7l
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」129Please respect copyright.PENANAMfUeKW1L2D
129Please respect copyright.PENANAsjbZVqjxUP
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:129Please respect copyright.PENANAaUUtgMUUJU
129Please respect copyright.PENANA8TxIoizPRL
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」129Please respect copyright.PENANAMGOMXwKGVe
129Please respect copyright.PENANAe7Qjajj7bk
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。129Please respect copyright.PENANAJXFMZZCmT1
129Please respect copyright.PENANAH5yEHnPuJE
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:129Please respect copyright.PENANAtH0XgsBdgQ
129Please respect copyright.PENANAQWgvPY8SSm
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」129Please respect copyright.PENANA3ClJvO5cCp
129Please respect copyright.PENANAuvFF4fEM95
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。129Please respect copyright.PENANA1XWGwcNlH8
129Please respect copyright.PENANAHXWxTbvFY4
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。129Please respect copyright.PENANA7EwK627Vet
129Please respect copyright.PENANA46ewpvo1oD
主線劇情:129Please respect copyright.PENANAaJPLI5ocyb
129Please respect copyright.PENANA1BM4jlWJxG
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。129Please respect copyright.PENANAqIYxmLyrSS
129Please respect copyright.PENANAfVW5T9y8pY
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。129Please respect copyright.PENANAAA55Pe4bKh
129Please respect copyright.PENANAcUqGP1YBi3
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。129Please respect copyright.PENANAQUndSuQnP8
129Please respect copyright.PENANAM6ftXHvVxT
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:129Please respect copyright.PENANAa4s4j1OBdq
129Please respect copyright.PENANA8izIjzbjjd
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)129Please respect copyright.PENANAR12aqomUCj
129Please respect copyright.PENANAuaPXcQxDQ7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)129Please respect copyright.PENANAQvyUyHWfob
129Please respect copyright.PENANAWW0qbQlM3N
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)129Please respect copyright.PENANAmvz4gBX9V4
129Please respect copyright.PENANAJaiz0lWm7X
129Please respect copyright.PENANAnaG8psiNb3
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。129Please respect copyright.PENANAaeP3MTy5Sf
129Please respect copyright.PENANAdVtD27KlaV
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:129Please respect copyright.PENANAdmCbZFYJBX
129Please respect copyright.PENANAYn9Nt215Zn
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。129Please respect copyright.PENANAul8pTZkGws
129Please respect copyright.PENANASXY4dPYzIP
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。129Please respect copyright.PENANAK0fNhjtKuV
129Please respect copyright.PENANATWoPRffUQM
那麼差不多是這樣。129Please respect copyright.PENANAasbokO62XU
129Please respect copyright.PENANA2CpmS8sCGR
129Please respect copyright.PENANAt1Qo5WIuFi
129Please respect copyright.PENANAV5HjPetSHx
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。129Please respect copyright.PENANAggNHBt4hEv
129Please respect copyright.PENANADY8HpmoAba
總之加油吧。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAmRt8bScE4j
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAG1Aj00Czvi
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
129Please respect copyright.PENANARKkrUFcrKq
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAJwvI1Njj6Q
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
129Please respect copyright.PENANAf303TAtlAl
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。129Please respect copyright.PENANAScCrDUgAJN
129Please respect copyright.PENANAa9GBd2dL5P
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」129Please respect copyright.PENANA8dFb8DbcFq
129Please respect copyright.PENANAt7S7Hqr2f7
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。129Please respect copyright.PENANAoB2MRxIYx5
129Please respect copyright.PENANArtInAIWdNs
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:129Please respect copyright.PENANAgXsxHzyg7l
129Please respect copyright.PENANAgNDBw8WTKi
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」129Please respect copyright.PENANA3ObvT1tJyt
129Please respect copyright.PENANAWdwlVpfcwN
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAxei0eHC1A4
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
129Please respect copyright.PENANAcs0ZkMPaTY
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
129Please respect copyright.PENANAlILIcDA0L9
主角:俊明129Please respect copyright.PENANAx2TNVD5nmb
129Please respect copyright.PENANA61AU5FGeWI
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)129Please respect copyright.PENANAl9rsjCnQCE
129Please respect copyright.PENANACliQxkTCum
129Please respect copyright.PENANAaNPmysaNL5
主角現狀:遭人排擠129Please respect copyright.PENANA3w08AeLGkQ
129Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZYWMpIqQ2
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。129Please respect copyright.PENANA9jFa2T33ST
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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