幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
432Please respect copyright.PENANApclq4LiraJ
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAt5d7zIBSxi
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAVltQsUY4pN
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAUBaI9rhKtS
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAWUG4SZ5Svc
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAPS2Q1x1egO
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAYiMah2Z03Z
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。432Please respect copyright.PENANAWJVdWuylDW
432Please respect copyright.PENANA7l8cXKgMrM
432Please respect copyright.PENANAysb3EDmLt4
432Please respect copyright.PENANA7Qw1SshSp2
世界觀:432Please respect copyright.PENANAy3cm8rECV5
432Please respect copyright.PENANAowkKJK6EOH
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAYe5HJxTiZN
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAyxivD2DZKX
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
432Please respect copyright.PENANARAwVh9QZjI
432Please respect copyright.PENANAtzv7d40308
劇情細節的提醒:432Please respect copyright.PENANAaytq68H2gM
432Please respect copyright.PENANA7F7d61eFw8
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:432Please respect copyright.PENANAwFedezmSbm
432Please respect copyright.PENANAbP9wbpFRsG
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。432Please respect copyright.PENANAVs5BsRTIRC
432Please respect copyright.PENANAk1HJoQq5sV
參考網站:432Please respect copyright.PENANAw4NcrBjPpo
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html432Please respect copyright.PENANAZi9xIxHtE1
432Please respect copyright.PENANAV6mbP07KzG
432Please respect copyright.PENANALd7ccQgWgD
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。432Please respect copyright.PENANAM1sQR0BTxw
432Please respect copyright.PENANAaHIKjDm4l8
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。432Please respect copyright.PENANAg8qPVayyxq
432Please respect copyright.PENANAnQalNPMcEN
432Please respect copyright.PENANAAgqf6vizYN
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。432Please respect copyright.PENANAvPz12qL7xj
432Please respect copyright.PENANAX4MSZpOJm7
432Please respect copyright.PENANAfNEkjBMnM4
角色:432Please respect copyright.PENANA5x5Txe0kIz
432Please respect copyright.PENANAHYS2pz0O9l
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:432Please respect copyright.PENANAkziFK8DZmZ
432Please respect copyright.PENANAq81dStePP3
主角:俊明
432Please respect copyright.PENANAFoESNLBQcl
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)432Please respect copyright.PENANAyvzpYl3TuD
432Please respect copyright.PENANAiSwgG8QZB2
主角現狀:遭人排擠
432Please respect copyright.PENANATiCDuPDTH2
奉翊:432Please respect copyright.PENANASIgfzsEV1q
不擅長飛行。432Please respect copyright.PENANAlsB3OlNm2C
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。432Please respect copyright.PENANAz1kAzrPyFX
432Please respect copyright.PENANAwx1FOo74D3
432Please respect copyright.PENANAGjIHHBPntp
432Please respect copyright.PENANAyOBrpD262m
對於角色整體的感想:432Please respect copyright.PENANAB6wDWXabTQ
432Please respect copyright.PENANACwl8Mdd24v
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。432Please respect copyright.PENANAuuVyNF1Lzi
432Please respect copyright.PENANAobq9e4B2Bz
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。432Please respect copyright.PENANAtGGnT0szwj
432Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4SXuC9tl2
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:432Please respect copyright.PENANAz9H2OKF5Xb
432Please respect copyright.PENANAtAqhPAfe7G
原作:432Please respect copyright.PENANArhbA35gKi2
432Please respect copyright.PENANAsLPpkZ7p6M
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388432Please respect copyright.PENANAt3X9sfGSiu
432Please respect copyright.PENANAs0lVMflReI
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)432Please respect copyright.PENANAIo7EF9oKHb
432Please respect copyright.PENANARhJGDIbzSV
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):432Please respect copyright.PENANAePapH6Pu03
432Please respect copyright.PENANA18TTq9klUE
調整後:432Please respect copyright.PENANAK8Y0IuY76L
432Please respect copyright.PENANAunyh6ghf9S
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。432Please respect copyright.PENANANQICRsyKK4
432Please respect copyright.PENANAZ690eMmZmf
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。432Please respect copyright.PENANAHKhpouUZGr
432Please respect copyright.PENANABuKInK34Pi
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。432Please respect copyright.PENANAKs8Pz7ILc5
432Please respect copyright.PENANAOW4mUzEBCq
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」432Please respect copyright.PENANAd45cqr2Xcy
432Please respect copyright.PENANAOHmvwZ0beE
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。432Please respect copyright.PENANACLCidKeT7u
432Please respect copyright.PENANAD10GrNpt92
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:432Please respect copyright.PENANAFJqlsYpcmi
432Please respect copyright.PENANA5OfYhh1Chw
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」432Please respect copyright.PENANAALbmYU7PLo
432Please respect copyright.PENANAJoEJb1nS6Y
查喀比茲?那是什麼?432Please respect copyright.PENANAFJgdCDPb8k
432Please respect copyright.PENANAEdn6jPccd8
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:432Please respect copyright.PENANA8cyhSXtUVd
432Please respect copyright.PENANAhhylpQakGd
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」432Please respect copyright.PENANA7zF3Y6u90h
432Please respect copyright.PENANA5v0yKlnVhP
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。432Please respect copyright.PENANAjlPWMZsh9d
432Please respect copyright.PENANAxRU11yeBCc
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」432Please respect copyright.PENANAvne72kZYRH
432Please respect copyright.PENANAMMardea6Zq
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。432Please respect copyright.PENANA01oYPimsZL
432Please respect copyright.PENANAEXywcJJfDW
他進一步解釋道:432Please respect copyright.PENANAZGFMfqmwOM
432Please respect copyright.PENANA3bBns8oy57
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」432Please respect copyright.PENANAlxsG2aG92F
432Please respect copyright.PENANAJledffB2fV
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:432Please respect copyright.PENANA7BI73Vctsa
432Please respect copyright.PENANAtqeTBReH9P
「查詢,查喀比茲。」432Please respect copyright.PENANAJBN63vx2ra
432Please respect copyright.PENANAfmhflVit2S
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。432Please respect copyright.PENANA48BWF1j48a
432Please respect copyright.PENANA2IfUY4bQp2
「──查無此項結果。」432Please respect copyright.PENANA9onFCW1i5X
432Please respect copyright.PENANArdDdeB9WLO
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。432Please respect copyright.PENANA3y7fEZE4oX
432Please respect copyright.PENANA16SNCv0AZz
「啊啊!」432Please respect copyright.PENANAlOuEBemPtw
432Please respect copyright.PENANAVjRCzH0phI
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。432Please respect copyright.PENANA3DV7ilQg44
432Please respect copyright.PENANAmDoPRhu4Io
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」432Please respect copyright.PENANApzAGHFrJR0
432Please respect copyright.PENANA01rpOZKIKW
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:432Please respect copyright.PENANAOcDjqd2God
432Please respect copyright.PENANAo1lp80rI1Z
查喀比茲。432Please respect copyright.PENANAALsgBeLm0U
432Please respect copyright.PENANAu3hX0OmIgZ
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。432Please respect copyright.PENANAyp4Xzy1xbq
432Please respect copyright.PENANARh9MbZ6P1d
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。432Please respect copyright.PENANAZUE7yNakf6
432Please respect copyright.PENANAHadP7iMjNE
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:432Please respect copyright.PENANAtUGaho28FU
432Please respect copyright.PENANAFloE2WbcIC
「你、你、你……該不會──」432Please respect copyright.PENANAAvgWuiKIP6
432Please respect copyright.PENANAzscmxhvWM9
「沒錯,我就是──」432Please respect copyright.PENANAc2LwnydiPo
432Please respect copyright.PENANAu4sn5G6ChF
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:432Please respect copyright.PENANA5JuzXLM6JY
432Please respect copyright.PENANAxlK891bOnM
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」432Please respect copyright.PENANAjV5FcLuugZ
432Please respect copyright.PENANAmhQ50aoblg
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:432Please respect copyright.PENANADXqPLGrF9N
432Please respect copyright.PENANAX8mktX5L9v
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」432Please respect copyright.PENANARHc5lwhLTg
432Please respect copyright.PENANA3WlBXvAwMH
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。432Please respect copyright.PENANAXyVXkNDWag
432Please respect copyright.PENANA6DoLuE5fii
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:432Please respect copyright.PENANAY7OoUTdXBl
432Please respect copyright.PENANAH89z5X2xSP
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」432Please respect copyright.PENANAuZFr5ai46u
432Please respect copyright.PENANAtWt7EDkZdQ
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。432Please respect copyright.PENANA5KytcU4LRl
432Please respect copyright.PENANARkklX9d1qq
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。432Please respect copyright.PENANAK3xKwpesOH
432Please respect copyright.PENANASaoJJhYqDz
主線劇情:432Please respect copyright.PENANA0mXnCkdDvp
432Please respect copyright.PENANAxGsnZ5mibW
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。432Please respect copyright.PENANAmpYRSE2xYD
432Please respect copyright.PENANAQHdbU0026w
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。432Please respect copyright.PENANAUKTHnkB1iN
432Please respect copyright.PENANAX4jTTGwluS
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。432Please respect copyright.PENANAxjvVm7efU2
432Please respect copyright.PENANAEev3Qw5bjr
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:432Please respect copyright.PENANAtcI1jVKKT0
432Please respect copyright.PENANAAGdRCy1n5A
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)432Please respect copyright.PENANAdA9qntTlmc
432Please respect copyright.PENANAbRbARSNFAK
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)432Please respect copyright.PENANADd2pLLlxJ7
432Please respect copyright.PENANAh8CqiStVFt
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)432Please respect copyright.PENANAhmpqRaI1cD
432Please respect copyright.PENANAcWGELVmWOi
432Please respect copyright.PENANAvKNXAIQlsW
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。432Please respect copyright.PENANAB40sOJVtWI
432Please respect copyright.PENANAq5E4RYyqxn
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:432Please respect copyright.PENANA1Tw56MbhoV
432Please respect copyright.PENANAQpcMcFyn40
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。432Please respect copyright.PENANAeEXwwXCV09
432Please respect copyright.PENANAn4Xgs1OY7h
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。432Please respect copyright.PENANAx8Uk7FUgH6
432Please respect copyright.PENANAF9jVh7lPVi
那麼差不多是這樣。432Please respect copyright.PENANAfMJnHGupmI
432Please respect copyright.PENANANCnHXfGbWV
432Please respect copyright.PENANA1BBc9UmMKM
432Please respect copyright.PENANAo9S1hoSHzG
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。432Please respect copyright.PENANAPM0oQPg961
432Please respect copyright.PENANAG2IK9g3F6B
總之加油吧。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAOMbWYDwpii
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
432Please respect copyright.PENANANX3jG9yGyi
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAX0ypjFhvaf
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAzm06HXEY42
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
432Please respect copyright.PENANAcvSpB5hxMS
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。432Please respect copyright.PENANAyI90SbzKfG
432Please respect copyright.PENANAqnaLIF5LB4
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」432Please respect copyright.PENANAuHqo999p3D
432Please respect copyright.PENANA3upZtpuuW2
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。432Please respect copyright.PENANA02Vdc8wbBr
432Please respect copyright.PENANAWgW98loG1D
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:432Please respect copyright.PENANAlQY5EDUdQO
432Please respect copyright.PENANAds9p3FHZhi
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」432Please respect copyright.PENANAdkUMezd0a4
432Please respect copyright.PENANA3GUAIn28CY
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAd3Jvrp5NVO
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAKYKlTgq0jW
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
432Please respect copyright.PENANAQXX23nojoT
主角:俊明432Please respect copyright.PENANA9yNBuhHDtx
432Please respect copyright.PENANAtotVSOXbQt
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)432Please respect copyright.PENANAAjJN4dRT85
432Please respect copyright.PENANAxvx8CyKPHu
432Please respect copyright.PENANAfSSM1lSP73
主角現狀:遭人排擠432Please respect copyright.PENANAuSGLr3IeO5
432Please respect copyright.PENANA0YB8KnGm3K
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
432Please respect copyright.PENANAZByzKjk9fR
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。432Please respect copyright.PENANApQs78vsOiQ
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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