"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjxHHR2BWm
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluq0xy66Wh
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xrNGxuRYQ
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhW7MahedyX
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZGkjjt657
it’s a mood.
– maya31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DglB7GNrK
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeE6GPi4HXU
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbSgHY9JB3
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFMY86dQJU
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSuRxk20Ou
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLtZykU1AI
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVTPm7uR0Q
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2racPKPVjv
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJpZYOJ7Sp
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRO2gXkxR6
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7hZYPaFUk
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZx1idriAo6
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW38pitQlYY
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfxPkt489I
i have goosebumps.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGN3EVTEJn
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMHI3ivzoX
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0FqswSPk0
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zRDyJBVBe
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbYb72ou25
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fqMDj1HyR
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0tm938DUI
you passed the vibe check.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2y3lhuzQTf
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hBZZpJAKb
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXMNbHnEv3
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBpHJ4c05W
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8CNbpmNaq
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Wl8Bm0HEt
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OCI2wys95
i did cry.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqoGhkCOMA
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1nDV0X4rQ
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeE6TDcwWe
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVa1gdsVb2
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mx8njg4wK
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzyF76Cxr8
To: [email protected]31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOMF18t5fP
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96z3fktjnc
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxcJUMBWOS
together we’re like...31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovBSdGKJ8M
the emotional avengers.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vg7k0kTq7
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmzlNaJi49
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO81wltfYwJ
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBpmXtzv27
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OxuLchznt
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFAgmcbBmQ
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTdG9NiuTU
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VYEEXeyu2
screamed into a spoon. felt better.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oIBVsAcn7
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nu9cqysB4
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHmLYNmUzX
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wJkd1lYGN
the rain cried for me.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERyNBPmi2Q
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpRZz3i15t
i do not condone murder. but i understand.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxBzupxrgg
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZ96PqzJSU
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSfwd2J6tx
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMdxQfo12f
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrEKK0eoX6
officially unwell in a poetic way
