"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4qtyvzWmD
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPVAwrdZzR
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSme4eDS3DP
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87oGxpcNzW
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDUJbhKo61
it’s a mood.
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhXNJxy8pc
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNh5B4HINh
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CXoPkENgs
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMaf8R8eQK
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDzec0Apqw
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4C2E7ijtgA
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1w2255plFe
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGmt0EhVvj
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAI9uZ8Jdiv
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5Cwezc4n4
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwG3sae1SIR
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoRR8zrCEv
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0aZVlkTkU
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2w4fLeVf7
i have goosebumps.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafOvltV1CB
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmihfGpzGEp
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeD7ZBO2FHg
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnjCzjJkdB
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIScM4JkH0v
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiev1QeytVO
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUhLT73zU7
you passed the vibe check.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZiDdqbs64
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Zzg6NlFwx
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHi9ClCictw
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3f5WoR4Jj
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafrzLDtxii
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0z8EjMZvmT
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahC3mYQqm8
i did cry.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPf4Xdwz2j
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPy7Qqyp5IQ
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6Yz3WBi1R
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqcC1EOjIT
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8Ino2NDeJ
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVFy3J98Bn
To: [email protected]97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XKW1I7mTW
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yoBBVzwWW
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8xPm3oDBa
together we’re like...97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSBRtmfBu0
the emotional avengers.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡub9nD9wVUt
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKR71IoUPBq
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AFdzCFeSE
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOVaidTNex
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZwfIXxuIV
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCztx8EzeOa
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5rDcoqV4Y
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6Xm6zTJia
screamed into a spoon. felt better.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iobSGZZIP
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp85irVTlXs
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCRAiK5uj5
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3JOvI8F1K
the rain cried for me.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXd0R95mCgv
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFtMM7uNSp
i do not condone murder. but i understand.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Wu4CqkP8u
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xypUSm9sF
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEAy020VAU
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBsU84kE79
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibZNBR2JML
officially unwell in a poetic way
