幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAdBvLbaU6EP
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
385Please respect copyright.PENANABqMK7sLz2p
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAFop8S1aWcd
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAZ2a7Jby1zd
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAXAQOoHBakm
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAshUvlReXju
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAGm1zidudMG
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。385Please respect copyright.PENANAlk9DhFL26p
385Please respect copyright.PENANAjzEa7tt3ZA
385Please respect copyright.PENANAQbaDUKslvp
385Please respect copyright.PENANAVzcMPDdN0h
世界觀:385Please respect copyright.PENANAdiSwpWeBCJ
385Please respect copyright.PENANAWU700b6nuP
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAISXaoPxjRT
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAzWR48JBbgW
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
385Please respect copyright.PENANA9qp6DkbIqm
385Please respect copyright.PENANADyyDtz40lp
劇情細節的提醒:385Please respect copyright.PENANAtzIcEF088R
385Please respect copyright.PENANA35AGn9tnrp
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:385Please respect copyright.PENANA3rjBgMm9dB
385Please respect copyright.PENANALwGmqQPqut
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。385Please respect copyright.PENANAZoQVtvHZQK
385Please respect copyright.PENANAG6yuvXjpoN
參考網站:385Please respect copyright.PENANAjHFVaUfkuf
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html385Please respect copyright.PENANAuR6EGwy3zg
385Please respect copyright.PENANAx0oMQ6AkXJ
385Please respect copyright.PENANALFQyXAingm
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。385Please respect copyright.PENANARUiF4aDlBI
385Please respect copyright.PENANA69K0Md37bn
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。385Please respect copyright.PENANAxRDZxmAYVK
385Please respect copyright.PENANAlSRmUAeaZ3
385Please respect copyright.PENANAG5Swbu0qBF
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。385Please respect copyright.PENANAQxgAT5hdVP
385Please respect copyright.PENANAqQagIuw9Re
385Please respect copyright.PENANAXkDmWL0lrS
角色:385Please respect copyright.PENANAsjofqkEwRX
385Please respect copyright.PENANAVby82Ngpyd
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:385Please respect copyright.PENANALiSiMgxYG8
385Please respect copyright.PENANAnQZ0xNKRBm
主角:俊明
385Please respect copyright.PENANAg64wfPcVfN
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)385Please respect copyright.PENANA6mnLsEunPl
385Please respect copyright.PENANAuj6fQwkLuU
主角現狀:遭人排擠
385Please respect copyright.PENANAxRIr4El5la
奉翊:385Please respect copyright.PENANAnf83sFPmY8
不擅長飛行。385Please respect copyright.PENANADlCNwzfVka
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。385Please respect copyright.PENANAYobpjqNqOC
385Please respect copyright.PENANA4eCXasNjfR
385Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5g8k2vQ0g
385Please respect copyright.PENANAFpUm0c3MIq
對於角色整體的感想:385Please respect copyright.PENANAMtw6GE9moR
385Please respect copyright.PENANAKXzkh7470p
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。385Please respect copyright.PENANAIfjng9onNp
385Please respect copyright.PENANAMSL0TnJujZ
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。385Please respect copyright.PENANAfhB1HU6Tkg
385Please respect copyright.PENANAYIt0mwtBei
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:385Please respect copyright.PENANAqi4qINODZl
385Please respect copyright.PENANAmoMs6Dnpza
原作:385Please respect copyright.PENANAfvgzbSfKQe
385Please respect copyright.PENANAvHAsnWwvED
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388385Please respect copyright.PENANACXlXguBNvU
385Please respect copyright.PENANAfSFjgJBDqR
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)385Please respect copyright.PENANAyDm157mxYR
385Please respect copyright.PENANA95rV9Al4yI
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):385Please respect copyright.PENANAfRsUacXrEx
385Please respect copyright.PENANArDSqXuxuCB
調整後:385Please respect copyright.PENANAW76faK7bda
385Please respect copyright.PENANASBP22547Jj
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。385Please respect copyright.PENANAWaArjeq4LJ
385Please respect copyright.PENANAGuqCyM2U1c
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。385Please respect copyright.PENANASvZzvPCwEV
385Please respect copyright.PENANAu2Dt8SgMSo
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。385Please respect copyright.PENANAIgZ15iMnXX
385Please respect copyright.PENANAmvtVC8MKAU
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」385Please respect copyright.PENANAl72MNcQ6uq
385Please respect copyright.PENANALpnLV6Z4OQ
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。385Please respect copyright.PENANAkUWSaBvHda
385Please respect copyright.PENANAx1bMgDX7Op
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:385Please respect copyright.PENANAKZ5f169yhQ
385Please respect copyright.PENANABdcxG94rNj
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAvlDy6N4Oem
385Please respect copyright.PENANA7EKdnGVS0Y
查喀比茲?那是什麼?385Please respect copyright.PENANAbwG6OuvW1d
385Please respect copyright.PENANAeGTNVxBOQn
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:385Please respect copyright.PENANAeUPUubCdYk
385Please respect copyright.PENANANGuRSnGRwp
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」385Please respect copyright.PENANAegAK9vzjSQ
385Please respect copyright.PENANApJfBlTWBZm
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。385Please respect copyright.PENANAb1RqfUtIVS
385Please respect copyright.PENANAtEIQsBgcsC
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAazSWIvd7L3
385Please respect copyright.PENANAhye7xRWB6k
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。385Please respect copyright.PENANALGTmQ6ot1z
385Please respect copyright.PENANAqsXjCaXqms
他進一步解釋道:385Please respect copyright.PENANAOLFhyU2gDC
385Please respect copyright.PENANA0UxHXqRepc
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAsmAZKGt3gt
385Please respect copyright.PENANAAnMENEwOOF
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:385Please respect copyright.PENANAKNbPihsydF
385Please respect copyright.PENANAgX9PcSZX8R
「查詢,查喀比茲。」385Please respect copyright.PENANADqf22GvQOF
385Please respect copyright.PENANAbV5KbICYqK
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。385Please respect copyright.PENANA991fPRwMuS
385Please respect copyright.PENANAoLUvMJHO0l
「──查無此項結果。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAnmClcz2wyW
385Please respect copyright.PENANAngRBIOOhQw
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。385Please respect copyright.PENANAWHYA68J6ez
385Please respect copyright.PENANA6BB6WWnj0P
「啊啊!」385Please respect copyright.PENANA13M1Sbb6Xc
385Please respect copyright.PENANAw3mcoSMccL
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。385Please respect copyright.PENANAXCcxdHCOU6
385Please respect copyright.PENANAAdqEC64q6H
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAaHwVjeiAEe
385Please respect copyright.PENANArFyNrNtptz
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:385Please respect copyright.PENANAGOWaNpL9ty
385Please respect copyright.PENANAiMGORwn9lk
查喀比茲。385Please respect copyright.PENANAzQBEXc30Rk
385Please respect copyright.PENANALGbT6uBYhY
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。385Please respect copyright.PENANADa8xhZf2kU
385Please respect copyright.PENANABsxthas7sK
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。385Please respect copyright.PENANAgHkNeRsvQT
385Please respect copyright.PENANA3iaE7Rb5wM
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:385Please respect copyright.PENANAsjrrXAmT37
385Please respect copyright.PENANAJoCPNJWk8E
「你、你、你……該不會──」385Please respect copyright.PENANAw6UWAokyCH
385Please respect copyright.PENANAx2PxWsw3V5
「沒錯,我就是──」385Please respect copyright.PENANAkj6or6Gfb7
385Please respect copyright.PENANAg9LgH38CrD
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:385Please respect copyright.PENANAPRJvifdd6z
385Please respect copyright.PENANABqoPF1XhmD
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」385Please respect copyright.PENANAa8svkbmK5E
385Please respect copyright.PENANAxBCIqo6vdp
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:385Please respect copyright.PENANAr6LP0MkFVM
385Please respect copyright.PENANALUIvfGp20o
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」385Please respect copyright.PENANAZgByZGI6KW
385Please respect copyright.PENANAAn5yTSoSDy
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。385Please respect copyright.PENANAJowRV97JTF
385Please respect copyright.PENANAePQO3xQYA9
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:385Please respect copyright.PENANAkqtfkfcb6t
385Please respect copyright.PENANAORwdaL71Nu
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」385Please respect copyright.PENANAMz8vhQnG5u
385Please respect copyright.PENANAo0KsCHXIKf
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。385Please respect copyright.PENANAqboPdfaoKU
385Please respect copyright.PENANAEqm1OSajg7
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。385Please respect copyright.PENANAHmfXoOyudM
385Please respect copyright.PENANAA43wqJeD6K
主線劇情:385Please respect copyright.PENANACu8ME3XKR1
385Please respect copyright.PENANAlE8t0m8APF
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。385Please respect copyright.PENANAc7IzUjCUQn
385Please respect copyright.PENANAtAr4JhPPxL
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。385Please respect copyright.PENANAFJPq7atiWA
385Please respect copyright.PENANAmBrDEik1mE
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。385Please respect copyright.PENANAnA76DaqTkF
385Please respect copyright.PENANAeZBWne9sBP
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:385Please respect copyright.PENANAp3KPlmkr5h
385Please respect copyright.PENANAROPB3IIsaq
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)385Please respect copyright.PENANA7KJtElc3Uf
385Please respect copyright.PENANAmPIkdddru7
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)385Please respect copyright.PENANA8iY9fzoX6L
385Please respect copyright.PENANAlRd8V90zcc
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)385Please respect copyright.PENANA7FvadMEohi
385Please respect copyright.PENANAE156G8nhlb
385Please respect copyright.PENANAXpqJimfpw6
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。385Please respect copyright.PENANAJqPO4eJDoF
385Please respect copyright.PENANAXFB5vPB1z9
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:385Please respect copyright.PENANAXdPDRd1TtG
385Please respect copyright.PENANApVQQLant2h
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。385Please respect copyright.PENANA9Bw9mxHkw3
385Please respect copyright.PENANAqeCsHMvMrU
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。385Please respect copyright.PENANAE5b8ZJiBsz
385Please respect copyright.PENANA9fmBt3jp3W
那麼差不多是這樣。385Please respect copyright.PENANADH3OezKyzb
385Please respect copyright.PENANALyt6CGPReG
385Please respect copyright.PENANAjOcqjMqDxy
385Please respect copyright.PENANAw772ifs8Z3
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。385Please respect copyright.PENANA687rX36IKw
385Please respect copyright.PENANATCSbnN2hGq
總之加油吧。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAJ8g6KRb5py
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAOL61pZYERH
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
385Please respect copyright.PENANANJjTQzqMfL
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAMyLIl8BXCu
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
385Please respect copyright.PENANACk0BDDoiIO
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。385Please respect copyright.PENANAWIjG2TqW6K
385Please respect copyright.PENANAY3q6DpUFlA
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」385Please respect copyright.PENANA4anyajW4mD
385Please respect copyright.PENANAwKsUHM4dM4
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。385Please respect copyright.PENANAuWfugGn5yi
385Please respect copyright.PENANA70rDOFjPIk
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:385Please respect copyright.PENANA37gUwWQjw3
385Please respect copyright.PENANAsXoIfPseo9
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」385Please respect copyright.PENANANCt9AcbxYO
385Please respect copyright.PENANAQyLuTwaeBM
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
385Please respect copyright.PENANA4euUP4hczp
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAj4ub6Og4yx
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
385Please respect copyright.PENANANdzNN9L7GH
主角:俊明385Please respect copyright.PENANAQWKGZAwjtz
385Please respect copyright.PENANACf1X7RMgol
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)385Please respect copyright.PENANAkcJUBVZ7c4
385Please respect copyright.PENANAkGk5rlHChb
385Please respect copyright.PENANAx8IuMyGyqC
主角現狀:遭人排擠385Please respect copyright.PENANAC4iy1aulKa
385Please respect copyright.PENANAQjwjuvAC4b
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
385Please respect copyright.PENANAQpo4ZFZo4G
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。385Please respect copyright.PENANASaBoJ3orhO
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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