我的單身日記 36
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我喜歡你。
我喜歡你。
我喜歡你。
在心底對你說了三次之後，我決定把這句話封印。
不是不能繼續這麼說，而是不能再對你這麼做。
除非是你允許我，但，你會嗎──學長？
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「褚……」學長欲言又止的站在門口看著我，我咬了咬下唇後，還是側過身讓出走道：「我沒事，進來說吧。」讓我們好好的解決這拖了五個月的告白。
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從冰箱裡拎了兩罐蜜豆奶走到客廳後，我在學長對面的沙發上坐下，默默的把蜜豆奶放到他面前。而學長也默默的拿起蜜豆奶，不發一語的拆出吸管喝了起來，我們就這樣默默的對飲蜜豆奶過了十分鐘。
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大概是終於意識到自己這樣拖拖拉拉磨磨蹭蹭真的很爛，學長放下那罐已經被吸扁又被吹飽再吸扁了無數次的蜜豆奶，神情糾結的抬頭看向我。
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紅色瞳眸目光複雜糾葛，看了讓人心痛，但我現在真的有種很火大的感覺，都快要忍不住摔奶了。
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五個月，學長。五個月了。
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當你在中間搞那些曖昧，不清不楚的連個聲也不吭，讓人不停重複燃起希望又幻滅的心理歷程，你在那之前不好好想清楚，現在在這邊糾結什麼？要糾結的應該是我吧？我現在真的正為了要不要在這邊現場暴走給你看而感到無比糾結啊。
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我不是沒有自尊，不是沒有脾氣。
只是太喜歡了，喜歡到這些東西都可以為了你而一度放下。
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但這份喜歡，你不需要，也不想要。那就算我是出於自願的，也不應該再繼續在你面前露出卑微的姿態。那是對我自己感情的尊重，也是對於你的選擇的尊重。
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所以，如果不喜歡我，如果不能接受這份沉重的心意，那麼，現在就拒絕我。
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現在。
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「……褚，真的很對不起。」過了幾分鐘後，他終於開口了。
「沒有關係。」我移開視線，不願意再看他那雙太漂亮的眼睛。
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「我很在乎你，真的。你是我很重要的朋友，我並不想失去你。」學長一字一句緩緩的說著，每一個字都要斟酌著如何說出口似的小心翼翼。
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「我知道。」手心收緊，我把那雙會因顫抖而洩漏心情的拳頭藏到身後。
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「比起不穩定的交往關係，堅定的友誼更能夠永遠長存。我想和你繼續當朋友，就像父親與凡斯過去那樣。」
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「……我們以後，還可以像以前一樣嗎？」深吸了幾口氣，我抬頭看向他，問著。
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視線碰撞的那一刻，我又看見了。那份一再出現，卻不曾被他自己察覺的依戀。
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就算我發現了，又能如何向他證明呢？難不成跟偶像劇一樣，衝上去抱著他大哭大鬧說：「我不要放你走！我知道你也是愛我的！」這樣？
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這太難看，也太可笑了。
他本人是那樣堅決的拒絕相信這份情感存在的可能性，我還能要求他什麼。
他連自己的心都不願意相信了，我能要他相信我的心嗎？
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對一個不願意相信愛情的人，談什麼心。
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「一定可以的。我會像以前那樣對你，就像過去一樣，不會有任何改變。」
學長馬上答應。
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聽見他的回應，我忍不住搖頭失笑。
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「學長啊，學長。讓我最後再說一段話，然後，就恢復以前那樣吧。你是厲害的學長，我是冒冒失失的學弟。你從不談感情，而我喜歡可愛的女孩子，就這樣。所以，最後再聽我說一段話。」
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毫不在乎般，我笑笑的對學長說著，埋在身後的拳頭緊緊握住，指甲陷入掌心。
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