我的單身日記 34
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『……對不起，廢柴誘受不是真的指您是廢柴，那只是一種特殊的形容詞…』
「反正我就是廢柴！！我沒有辦法啦！！！」
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這個時候，抽抽噎噎的我聽見了一絲無奈的嘆息，有雙手溫柔的拂開我的劉海，接著，一個冰涼的肌膚觸感貼上了額頭。
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「褚。」額頭貼著額頭，紅色的眸子深深望入我眼中最底處。
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就只是這樣，一個低聲的輕喚，而我奇蹟似的忽然止了哭聲，只剩下瞪大眼望著學長這個念頭。
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「你說過，只要待在我的身邊，你就會充滿活力了，記得嗎？」
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學長一雙手毫不退讓的捧住了我的臉，四指伸入我的髮絲中，而大拇指的指腹輕輕摩娑著，抹去我未停的淚痕。
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茫然的點著頭，我想起最一開始，學長把我綁架去飯店房間時的事情。
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那時候，我告訴焦躁的學長，我會一直需要他，只要他偶爾看一看我，對我說說話，打我也沒關係，只要有他在身邊一下下，我就會充滿活力了。
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學長還笑我是狗，我明明就是沒人權的妖師……
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「現在，我就在你身邊，哪裡都不去。」定定的望著我，學長再一次的露出了那種柔情的眼神。
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那種，讓我在台上不顧一切失控的喊出他的，眷戀的表情。
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我不知到學長表現出這種情緒的原因是什麼，我甚至不敢肯定的說，那就是眷戀。
眷戀的戀字太過沉重，太甜太蜜，太傷不起。
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我真的不知道，學長為什麼要對我露出這種表情。
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我甚至不知道，為什麼他會在這樣對我展顏一笑之後，親吻我的額頭。
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我什麼都不知道，什麼都無法思考。
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只是在他放開我的那一刻，驚慌的拉住離我而去的那雙手。
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「學長，我真的真的好喜歡你。」
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我想，像我這樣一臉呆樣亂七八糟做二次告白的妖師，一定是史無前例，後無來者吧？要是被冥玥知道，一定又會被抓去殺到爆，以正妖師一族的家法。
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但一想到過去好幾個抱住日記痛哭失聲的夜晚，好幾個帶著未乾淚痕悠悠轉醒的早晨，我真的……真的，好怕失去這個人。
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更怕這個人，就這樣無視我喜歡他的心情。
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學長……拒絕我雖然很殘忍，但真的好過這種，讓我湧生出太多不該有的期待的現狀。
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真的。
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但他依然什麼都沒說，愣了一下，旋即對我露出一種很複雜的笑。
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一點點的皺眉，說是苦笑，卻又太溫柔；一些些的勾唇，說是微笑，卻又太無奈。過多的情緒，他道不清楚，我……也看不明白。
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伸手揉了揉我的頭，學長維持著這個笑，接過夏碎學長帶來的紫爵香水，朝自己的手腕噴了一下，身上的衣服立刻變成廣告中的打歌服。接著，又像廣告裡的一樣，彎腰湊近，替我在頸邊灑上紫羅蘭香氛。
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「褚，就今晚－－結束之後，我給你答案。」他附耳，輕聲呢喃。
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於是我又哭了，伸手蓋住噴上香水而感到微微發涼的肌膚，其實我也分不出來，發涼的到底是頸邊，還是已然絕望的心底。
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「之後……還可以是朋友嗎？」我沒有再抬頭看他，因為我知道，這一次，我不能再讓他幫我擦淚了。
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「褚……」
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我想我知道那個答案。
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輕輕放開拉著他的那隻手，我深吸了一口氣：「學長，你先出去吧。我……一分鐘，給我一分鐘就好，我會努力的。」
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伸出手又縮了回去，學長就這樣掙扎了一下，最後仍走出了後台。
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我聽著外頭如雷般的尖叫聲，聽見奴勒麗介紹著出場的學長，還有稍早上了台助陣的雷多雅多一搭一唱，我淒涼的笑了笑，用力閉上眼，眨掉眼淚。
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我還得出去面對大家呢，現在，不能有眼淚。
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褚冥漾，慕冰漾，不管我是誰，現在，都該堅強。
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再一次睜開眼睛，映入視線的，是也換上了打歌服，並且和往常一樣，笑的一臉爽朗溫柔的阿利學長，而他正看著我，眼底繫著的是濃濃的心疼。
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我對他展顏一笑，沒有說話，他也只是對我比了一個姆指，點點頭。
這是一種默契，屬於我們兩個之間的默契，他在回答我，我笑得很完美。
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「假裝的堅強，其實是真正的悲傷。今天晚上就來投奔我的懷抱吧，小學弟。偶爾陪學長喝一場酒是必要的唷？」
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阿利學長依然笑著，而我也燦笑著點頭，在心底努力壓抑真的不容易的情緒。
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「既然是陪學長喝酒，我可不能拒絕。但我總覺得，今晚的酒會很鹹唷。」
「嗯，沒有關係，你是海風嘛，鹹一點應該的。」
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我噗哧一笑，然後，與他肩並著推開通往舞台的大門。
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不管是愛情或是星途，我都不會逃避的。
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看向外頭那燦爛喧鬧的世界，我在心中最後一次哀掉逝去的心情。
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來吧，IT’S SHOW TIME。
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「大家好！我是《FABLE》的慕冰漾－－」
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