I woke up one day, felt the day hitting me before I left for work...thinking about the eyes and ears over me as customers rattled on and on, and no matter what I did they complained. Someone I didn't know chopping up my day's work into ridiculous spreadsheets, some customer service formula. More texts back from friends who "couldn't make it."
The thought made me cold.
Lifting the spoon to my mouth to choke down breakfast, I dropped it back into the bowl. My eyes looked, but did not see. My mind comprehended, but did not engage. Something was not right. I simply stared, unblinking at my kitchen light.
I began to cry, and didn't know why, and found answers that satiated me. Divorced...30 years old ....entry level work...the same damn thing every day. Trying to understand my reluctance to go out the door only made it worse and found reasons more...
So I froze.
Nothing good that lasted came for the past three years. And so came this daunting, crippling fear.
What would change now? What reason for it to change? None.
If I stayed home, the only place I felt safe, would anyone care? I'm just another number that sits in their chair.And I knew I had to go there, but couldn't. Breathing deep, I stepped towards the door. It all came back in such awful dischord. Nothing I did mattered..
Again, I froze.
Nothing felt better than something. There was no disappointment. Restless that day, I stayed home and rested but still felt so vexed and perplexed and the more I invested the more I cried and didn't look forward to days next.
Depression? Anxiety? Nothing concrete to show, so what would doctors know ? All I knew...I was afraid to do anything.
So I tried.
And soon wish I hadn't. Now I was the one prattling on and on, feeling like words were only stepped on. Met with cryptic replies, more questions. The worst were the "answers" to my precarious predicament.
"Just don't think about it, just do it."
"Think positive."
This told me how much they didn't know what I was going through. So I stopped talking...it only made me tired. Exhausted from emotions tying me down, I flipped my "OFF" switch to cure my frown. Perhaps this was better...it wasn't.
Life was a routine, and I was a robot doing programmed tasks. My senses sensed things, but still was nonsense. There was no sadness, but also no joy. I am human and I must feel.
The fear remained, and so I froze.
And so...around and around the carousel I rode, where I stopped nobody knows.
I sat in this sub-zero condition of life, hoping to be thawed out. Even after all of this night was turned into day, the frostbite reminds me, still remains.
I'll never forget the time, that time that I froze...
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