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A Narrative of You and Me
Writer Alef Magnus
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
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A Narrative of You and Me
A - A - A
I. A Man of Many Names
Alef Magnus
Comments ( 3 )

once upon a star - I liked how the chapter ended with a short introduction by the male lead, one which leaves the story hanging!

I think I'll type my thoughts out here like last time!(some brief ideas which I hope would be of help!:) )

For the starting paragraph of the chapter, do you think it would be nice for Gary to describe the scenery outside while he's in the cab with Sophia? Perhaps he could describe the trees standing horrifyingly still amidst the light chilly breeze, and how the only light filtering through the leaves was that from the pale unwelcoming moon? An extra scene where the cold breeze seeps into the cab while Sophia fidgets a bit in her unconscious state might work well too!

For the scene where Gary goes into the lab room, I was thinking it might be good to describe a bit on why the room seemed colder than yesterday - perhaps it was because of the short ride on the cab? Or maybe Gary was somehow feeling more anxious today? It could also be that Sophia looked a bit different than yesterday(perhaps the way she slept or the state of her health), or maybe the walls of the room looked a bit more unwelcoming than before!

About the machine which Sophia is being placed in, I think it would be nice to expand a bit on it too!:) Maybe the design of the machine could be one where Sophia had to be placed horizontally in the middle of a transparent glass tube/compartment - Gary can only look at her from the outside and wonder how she's feeling each time she becomes part of the rescue experiment.

Ah, I would also love to know how the headgear Gary puts on looks like!:) I was thinking it might be nice to have it look something like the Cerebro machine in X-Men...or something else could be cool too!

I think it's a nicely written chapter overall! It fits well with the first chapter, giving a short and neat background of the rescue experiment to the reader which helps a lot with understanding the story!:)

3 years agoreply

Alef Magnus - These are very useful comments I swear. You've got a great talent at building atmosphere and yes I agree that your suggestions will improve this chapter. I shall find time to incorporate them on the edits. Or maybe i'll just go add them in anytime haha. Thank you so much! You are amazing!
3 years agoreply

once upon a star - @Alef Magnus, you're welcome! I'm glad I could help!:-)
3 years agoreply