ZAIRA'S POV
My head was a mess on my way home. All I could think about was Dean’s message.
I was pissed and overwhelmed at the same time. I was happy with Z, why did he have to randomly barge into my life again and give me mixed feelings about everything. I have no idea why my instincts were to lie when I got that text.
I was instantly regretting the impulsive text which I sent to him. I was overwhelmed with emotions, that is why people say to never act on anything when you feel too much.
Why was it every time something was about Dean, I threw my self-respect and just went back to him? It was the same even when we had normal fights as a couple.
How was I supposed to bring this matter up with Z? I didn’t even know how he would react. For the time I had known him, he had been a totally sweet guy. There had been times when he got mad, but it was just small issues. I had never actually witnessed him lose his cool.
Surely, he would be thrilled with me texting my ex. Sarcasm. That was sarcasm.
He was the one who helped me slowly get over Dean. If it weren’t for him, I’d still be wounded and crying over him.
Was I masking my hidden feelings for Dean with my feelings for Z?
No. No. I don’t think so.
I was happy with Z yet it was different when I was with Dean. When I was him, I felt content in a different way. It is obvious to feel happy in different ways when you have dated two different guys, right? Was I wrong to string along Z in my life when I knew I wasn’t ready to date so soon after Dean?
No, I cannot do this to him. He’s too pure, I shouldn’t do this to him. I should tell Dean that we are over and that now I’m with Z.
All of my time spent with Z was amazing. He could go listening to me about everything. His small gestures made me happy. He took me to cute dates all the time, and he knew exactly what I was going through at work without even me hinting about it to him, he somehow managed to cheer me up a little all the time.
The soft couch sunk under my body weight just like how my heart sunk right now.
The phone’s screen went off on the kitchen slab.
I kept the glass on the counter and picked it up.
Sure again, it was the familiar number of Dean which was engraved in my mind even after several tries where I tried to erase it.
Once again, my heart swelled up in the way it didn’t when I read Z’s text. These known and unforgettable feelings consumed my whole body.
‘I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Pls, take me back. I have been a mess without you. Can we meet? I want to hear you talk about anything and everything.’
I was honestly so flustered and confused about this. As much as I wanted to hear him explain himself, I don’t think it’d be the best idea either if I consider the normal extremes nature of Z; he feels emotions to extremes, there was no neutral. Fully embracing the situation and completely putting its feelings into it. Everything was extreme with him - love, happiness, sadness, pain and so i assume is anger, if I told him that I had talked with Dean, he wouldn’t be acting in the way I want him to. And I won’t ever get a chance to talk to Dean or hear him explain if I come clear to Z first.
So, I guess the best idea is to tell Z after the whole wrong deed is done. Why leave it incomplete when it has already started?
I talk to dean about everything, clear things out, and then finally come clear to Z on my own accord. I repeated this inside my brain like a mantra. Telling myself that this was all I needed to do, nothing more or nothing less.
‘I think we should clear things out.’
With all my might, I sent that text to him. Better to get over with this as soon as possible.
Little did I know that, just as I would see him, I’d forget all the pain he had caused me and all about Z too.
‘Meet me at our place in an hour’ his next text read.
Just as expected of me, I was on time at our place. I wonder why I still kept calling it ‘our’ place. The sound of the bells of the familiar diner’s doorbell filled my ears and somehow my eyes instantly locked with Dean at the end of the room in the corner booth. His eyes met mine from the door and they didn’t leave them even after I sat down across him in the booth.
His face sprouted scruffs of a beard which I have never seen him in. He always liked clean shaved and said he made him look young. The way he was looking at me it felt like he was staring into my soul, with I don’t know, feelings?
I ordered a black coffee so that we don’t get kicked out for just sitting.
While we were waiting for the order, I decided to talk and get things over with because the more I stayed longer the more I wanted to hold him. Why is my whole subconsciousness and self-respect betraying me this way?
His right foot started bouncing under the table which was a sign of nervousness for him. My hand extended under the table, like an old unforgettable habit, and reached his knee to make him stop vibrating the whole table.
Just as my fingers brushed his knee, his head snapped up from the table in which he was burning holes in. Even if his legs were covered with sweatpants, it didn’t prevent the tingles that mere touch passed through my whole body. As if my touch was a start button, his body tensed up and he started blabbering about something along the lines of many I’m sorry’s.
“I speak two languages and what you are speaking doesn’t come under either. Speak English.”
I was trying to control my laughter because this was both annoying and cute. Wait, what? Why? Heart, you need to shut up.
He let out a shaky chuckle and his shoulders relaxed and he slumped his body weight on his hands on top of the table.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m just nervous. This might be the last time I see you so I’m trying to choose the right words.” his breath came out shaky and he fiddled with his fingers.
“I regret what I said about you being clingy and an attention seeker. Things were hard at that time with work and family. I-I know I should have told you what was going on in my daily life but everything was so overwhelming that everything was irritating me and I just needed a break from basically, everything. As you know, my brother’s death anniversary was near and that wasn’t helping my mental state either. Things turned out in a way where I took out everything on you and I’m sorry for that. Isolation helped me get my mind straight and figure out what I did to you was wrong. Putting a three-year-long relationship to an end just because things were hard was stupid and I need you to know that I want you back and that I will treat you right.”
He spoke without a break and slumped on the table more; little more and he would strain his back. His eyes searched for mine and I tried to find the right words to say to him. I should have remembered Jared’s death anniversary, and I should have noticed that he was going through a tough time. Instead, I was just pissed because he had been acting off lately and fought him for it. What kind of a girlfriend was I?
The whole atmosphere was heavy now.
I tried to unjumble my next words in my head and found myself staring at that face of his.
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